"I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies, is always by my side.."
I always knew there was a plan...it had been our family verse since we moved to Dallas in the early 1990's...Jeremiah 29:11...it was a vivid verse in my head...but yet I didn't understand why my baby brother was marrying before I was....he would more than likely have kids before I would...how would I handle that? The grief of losing that part of me was devastating...yet I did my best to put on a strong face. Friends having children was hard. I wanted to strangle anyone who complained about being pregnant, getting fat, or anything related to pregnancy...I wanted to scream....BE THANKFUL you CAN BE pregnant & get fat! I was lucky to have an amazing counselor as I healed from my break in, in May 2007...as she helped me work through my ultimate hysterectomy decision for January 2008 and then as I worked through knowing my brother would marry in June 2008...one thing she told me in regards to his wedding and friends having children....do things for them and their special days that you would want done for you when you get married or have kids.... That was a saving grace for me! The grief was still real, but after my surgery and my hormone change, I changed....I "evened" out I guess would be a good way to put it. My healing became easier.
Fast forward to April 2011 when my brother and sister in law told us they were pregnant...the time stands very vivid in my mind....we were at the Rangers game for Judd's birthday, I sat between Lori and Bryan...I was so excited, yet so hurt...the nasty part of grief raised his ugly head on the most exciting news in our family...I don't know what was harder....knowing they were pregnant or knowing Bryan and I were so far from being parents and actually beginning the discussions of finances in regards to adoption....after the game my dear friend Caleb, gave me the biggest hug...he may not realize what that hug meant, but I knew he knew....He knew that was tough news, but yet exciting news. For the next months I struggled emotionally, struggled with the excitement for them, finally getting to be an Aunt to a Steger....but the hurt was SO REAL.
The coming arrival of Knox crept closer and then the call came....head to the hospital....I was so blessed to have been able to have been in the hospital room with Lori during her labor, up until she had to go back for the c-section since Knox wasn't going to arrive without some help. That day is so vivid in my mind....waiting....and then watching Knox rolled out and into the nursery with Judd while they bathed him, weighed him, and all those exciting things. The whole family stood in the window watching....I was so excited, yet so hurt....I LOVED watching my brother be a Dad...and I love that little boy like he was mine....the love I felt the first time I held him was overwhelming. We had prayed and prayed for him, I had cried and cried for him, for my jealousy to not be apparent. I remember hugging my mom and just crying about how I wouldn't get to do that. I wouldn't get to be at the hospital when my baby was born. I wouldn't get to do all those things they were getting to do and it just wasn't fair! It was a growing time in our marriage, we weren't ready to be parents together, and that hurt too...I was ready, he was ready but WE weren't ready! December 6, 2011 will forever be etched in my heart as the best and worst day for my grief! Over the past 3 years we have loved this little boy so much, we love our time with him, love watching him grow in his child-like faith.
"And nothing formed against me shall stand, you hold the whole world in your hands, I'm holding on to your promises, you are faithful...."
Fast forward to Cooper's arrival....we did get to be there, we got to be at the sonogram, we got to see pictures, we got to get to know his birth mom, we got to do ALL THE THINGS I had grieved I would never get to do for all those years! Once again, HIS plan is WAY better than ours!
This brings me to the past 2 months....Lori and Judd welcomed baby Case Judd into the world on October 25th....the week leading up to his arrival, was my "light bulb" moment realizing the change in my grief....I was no longer sad about not giving birth to my son...I was no longer sad in anyway about his birth or what they would get to do that I didn't get to do....because I got to do everything...well, everything except have a reason to eat ice cream and Oreos all the time and get fat...I did that on my own with no excuse other than emotions... :) I realized that the Lord had walked us down the path to parenthood that we needed...we needed to learn a few things about each other, our relationship, the Lord, some friends good and bad, there were some new people we needed in our lives, and most of all we needed Cooper and Cooper needed us. Arriving at the hospital the morning of Case's birth....I was so anxious about his arrival, looking forward to being there right after, taking lots of pictures and celebrating....now that didn't all go as we had hoped, we didn't get to see him for several hours...thanks to the Ebola scare we couldn't be back there after....but once they were in the room we all piled in....had this had happened prior to Cooper, a year ago...this would have been devastating to me....because I still love to do for others like I would want done for me...especially when it comes to babies!
The most beautiful thing was realizing I have overcome my grief....it doesn't make me sad, I don't feel like I missed out on anything, and the pure joy is exhilarating! And even better...Cooper has a cousin 4 months younger than him!!!
Yesterday, we celebrated our sweet Knox's 3rd birthday!
I/We still love that little boy like he's ours, and we love Case just as much! He brings SO much joy to our lives, joy he's brought since the day he was born! I love his feisty little spirit, his love for the Lord, his giggle, the way he runs to Bryan when he sees him. his love for books, his love for Cooper and Case...and even more so the way his parents are raising him is such an example for how we want to raise Cooper.
Today is church we sang the Chris Tomlin song..."Whom shall I fear" and I shed a few tears as Cooper was sleeping in my baby wrap on my chest....knowing that this blog has been floating around in my brain since October 25th when I realized I had FINALLY overcome my grief! The peace that surrounds this time of the year is not something I just say this year...we actually feel it, for the first time ever!
I pray you find the true MAGIC of Christmas this joyous season!
