A Faith that changes

I've been writing this blog in my head for weeks, probably months, and even more so now that I've got the actual time while recovering from my ACL repair.  Why have I been avoiding this, well, because it is an emotional journey to relive and pour these thoughts into typed words, and well, it's going to bring on some tears, a flood of them more than likely.  So, here it goes....

My faith journey began from the time I was born, my parents raised my brother and I in a loving Christian home, a home where there was peace, comfort, love, grace, and everything in between.  I watched my parents lead in our church, be involved in Bible Study Fellowship, lead studies in their homes for couples in our church and in our neighborhood, I too was involved in our church; from helping in the nursery, to the library my mom got started at the church, VBS, you name it and I helped with it.  Was baptized as a baby and made my public statement of faith in confirmation, as an 8th grader.  But there was something I just couldn't grasp...I was afraid to really disobey, I was afraid my salvation wasn't set in stone, I was afraid my sinning would "undo" my salvation...I knew Jesus was my savior and I knew what HE did to save me, but I still worried...I remember laying in bed at night worrying, I remember saying in my quiet nighttime prayers that He was my savior, over and over again, why?  I have no idea.  Through the college years and beyond my faith was always there, but there was no relationship, that seemed too hard and way too time consuming.  By that point I knew that my belief in my savior was enough, anything more just seemed like too much, I was too busy with college, work, partying, work, friends, dating, graduate work, work, friends, etc.   I had Christian friends, but something was missing.

Bryan and I got married in 2010, we knew we wanted to be involved in the church but we just weren't "all in" with the idea of waking up early on Sundays and making it happen.  But then marriage got really hard, things weren't "happily ever after" and we didn't know what to do...we found ourselves at Crosstimbers in Argyle, we knew we needed to make a change, so in January of 2011 we took the "membership class" and decided to jump in with all 4 feet, my 2 feet were a little ahead of Bryan's but he was willing.

In 2012, my best friend, Brenna and I were teaching together, and we gained a new team mate, Krista. Krista, joined Brenna and I on a Pinterest craft day to make anchor posters for our classroom.  At the time, we had only met her once, I wasn't so sure what I thought, she seemed nice enough, but there was something different about her...she was involved in her church, a part of the women's ministry, raising two precious kids, and she was just different...a different I really hadn't experienced at that point in my life...she just exuded the Holy Spirit, that first day when we spent time together poster making in my garage, she told me that she just knew she was supposed to be on our team, and she just knew that she would walk beside us and welcome a baby into our little family, she just knew that she would get to throw me the best baby shower ever.  I thought, man this chick is crazy, but whatever, I knew we were going to start the adoption process but marriage had gotten hard again...I just didn't know how it would ever be in our favor.  Over the course of that year, a very unpleasant and hard year in the classroom, a harder year in marriage, but the sweetest year when it came to friends.  Krista and I shared our dream of schooling for our children, her current children and my prayed for child...it wasn't public school, and neither of us knew what or how, but we knew we weren't meant to be in the public school arena, but this was a season.

Over the course of the next two years Krista spoke so much peace into my life, small truths that probably didn't mean much at the time, but over the coming years would mean the world.  I began to be able to pray in a way that I hadn't prayed before.  I watched her through her faith peaks and valleys that year.

Krista continued to be a large influence in my faith walk, as she prayed along side me/us as we began the adoption process, along side us as we prayed for Cooper and his safe arrival, and she prayed when we couldn't during our separation from Cooper...but what really got me, was the way the Lord clearly showed her and her daughter Abby that Cooper would be ours, and how He showed other ladies that were praying along side her for us in the months before and after his arrival.  They showed up on our doorstep one Friday during our separation, and during that prayer, I experienced something I hadn't ever experienced before, a peace that was unexplainable.  Up until that point in my faith and the faith we shred as a couple, I/we really hadn't ever seen that, my faith had already been shifting, but a shift began for Bryan as well.

I had seen my parents make faith decisions, some that were hard, and I guess I never really thought twice about those, as they were my parents.  But at that point, I began to get it, she began something in my faith walk, but then she moved.  The devastating news of their leaving and moving to Arkansas ripped my heart out, we were in different phases of our lives, but she and I were bound in our faith in a way that I hadn't been bound before, and it broke my heart to know she wouldn't be 15 minutes away anymore, instead she was 5 hours away.  I hadn't cried that many tears over a friend in years, I felt like the teenager who moved from Beaumont to Dallas, leaving my friends behind, it was a hurt that I hadn't felt in a long time...and a hurt that someone else caused, because in the past I had always been the "leaver."

Her moving stirred my desire to be plugged into the mommy world even more, as up until that point I didn't have any friends that were raising a toddler in close proximity.  I was an "older" mom, my friends' kids were in elementary school, and I didn't want to do this crazy toddler time without other moms.  I began seeking out friends that would walk this path beside me, and do these crazy years together.  So, I jumped into leadership at our church in the women's ministry.  The Lord answered my prayer in many ways, he brought many amazing ladies into my life that began to walk beside me/us as we did this thing called "mommihood."  The same month Krista and her family moved, I met a new friend, by happenstance because Bryan went to service their AC.  He didn't know who they were, but when he came home and showed me the check that they paid him with, I said, " you realize that's the new teaching pastor at church?"  We got a good laugh out of it, and then began this walk alongside Laura and Nick Person and their tribe...we began to rely on their parenting tactics, as they had two in school and then Cooper's BFF, Nash.  Our weekly play dates grew a bond between two little boys that I had only dreamed would happen, I didn't want it to be a forced friendship for the little boys because the mamas were friends, and it wasn't, it was this connection that they had that was undeniable.  And then our families lives began to intertwine, and the impact they began to have on our lives became irreversible.  Healing began in my life, from our marriage, to hurts of our heart, other relationships, and so much more.  The connection that we have with them, and the way we walked our faith beside them, lifting each other up when needed and celebrating together, crying together and getting through tough stuff together, was different than we had ever experienced before.  I knew my faith was shifting even more, and Bryan's was too.  These were level 10 friends! (A level 10 friend is one who knows the ugly and dirty side of you, but loves you regardless.)

The faith they walked, and shared with us, was undeniably ordained by our Heavenly Father.  Bryan will be the first to say, he wasn't looking for new friends, I was...but I wasn't looking for what I got...I was challenged in ways I didn't think I'd be challenged since Krista left, I began jumping in to more ministries at church...we left the comfort of the Argyle campus and decided to walk alongside our friends as a new campus was being launched in Lake Cities, because we just felt like that was where God was placing us...it was hard to leave what we had known for so many years, the faces we saw weekly, the level of kids programming that was available.  Bryan was even more reluctant, but found himself being called to be apart of early morning crew to haul trailers as we are a take down/set up church, meeting in a school gym.

Our faith lives have changed so drastically over the course of the past 5 years, and even more so the past 2 years.  As I began to find myself still having fun, but staying steeped in the word, I wonder what I missed out on all those years that my faith was on the back burner, too afraid I'd miss out on "fun" and not concerned enough about what was best for my heart...I don't regret my decisions, because I know they made me into who I am now and brought me to where I am now, but I do know that if I could do it again, I'd do things a little differently.  Maybe there would have been less pain, but maybe there wouldn't have.  What I do know is that yes things are hard, and marriage will always be work, but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior loves me and when the day comes for me to meet Jesus face to face, my salvation is set, there is no worrying or doubting that fact any longer.

And then there was the phone call, one Saturday afternoon from Laura...the dreaded news that I knew would happen one day, I just didn't expect it to be that day...they felt the Lord calling them to be closer to their families in Atlanta, and they were more than just entertaining a move.  Insert pure devastation, how could the Lord bring them to us, bring us to this place in our friendship, and then take them away?  How would I or could I survive with out her?  We spend 5 days a week with them, we do each other's grocery shopping and errands, we babysit each other's kids, we go on double dates, we worship together every single Sunday, I have a best friend, Bryan has a best friend, Cooper has a best friend, and Cooper has two older siblings in Ava and Jax.

Then the Lord starting stirring something in my heart again...my life had changed so much and our best friends were getting ready to move, and it was necessary, a must, that Nick baptize me before he left. I couldn't imagine any other pastor baptizing me.  I had struggled with this for a while, was it betraying my Confirmation as an 8th grader?  No!  Was it going to look weird that I had been leading Bible studies for several years?  No!  But I just couldn't get the words out, i couldn't share them with anyone.  I just couldn't speak these things.  So, one day as Laura and I sat at Pei Wei, child-free, I couldn't help but cry, all of this sat on my heart, but I just couldn't spit it out.   So, I kept praying.  A few days later we headed out to Broken Bow on a framily vacation.  Laura and I drove with the gaggle of kids, while Nick and Bryan would come after church tear down.  Through many tears I got a short version of this out, and told her that I had been thinking about being baptized and I thought I wanted Nick to do it while we were at the lake.  Insert more tears.  The next morning as we sat around the breakfast table, I spit out a few words about my faith and the journey I started on with Krista and then the impact that Nick and Laura's relationship had on me and our family, and that I wanted Nick to baptize me.

So...while out on the boat one evening, Nick performed his first "floating" baptism.  So many tears had been shed, that it was just a cool moment, well and then he knocked the gimp (Pre-ACL surgery) off of her noodle.  :)  Many of you are wondering...."why hasn't she told us"...well, it wasn't something I wanted to make a big deal of, and here it is.  Here is the why, here is the how...and here we are heartbroken over the upcoming move of our friends, friends that we couldn't imagine walking beside through this thing called life, but friends we are ever thankful walked this season beside us in Denton, Texas.

Why do I write this big huge blog?  I want you to know that the importance of friends is vital!  The value of a friendship that is steeped in faith is life changing.  Just when we thought we didn't need more friends, new ones were thrown into our laps and changed the trajectory of our family, faith, and friendships to come.

I am thankful for the level 10 friends that have been along side me for years...from college roommate Brit, Krista, to my adoptive mamma bestie Shelby, Natalie/Mimi and for friends yet to come.  And for our couple level 10 friends that have walked beside us for years, The Newmans.  I'm amazed at how each of these deep relationships have special parts in our lives, feed us in different ways, and meet needs when we didn't know needed to be met.

I pray you too have level 10 friends.  Friends that have seen your dirty laundry and love you regardless.  

Grace under pressure = COURAGE

Here we are a week after Cooper's first birthday and SO MUCH has happened over the course of the last 12 months, that sometimes it's really hard to believe it's only been a year.  Adoption is the most amazing blessing, the best gift anyone will ever give is a birth mom blessing an adoptive family with her child, a child that she loves so much that she releases to someone else to raise.  Could I do it?  Probably not.  Birthmom's are heroes!  

This year as Mother's Day approached, I felt a heaviness on my heart for Cooper's Mama Maria.  I love her beyond words that could be expressed.  I hurt for her, knowing that she hurts, I cry for her, knowing she cries...yet I'm the one holding her son, the child she went through near death experiences carrying in her womb.  The child she loves so selflessly to release him to us to raise, trusting that we will follow through with our words of being an open adoption.  An "open adoption" is not a legal term, it is a moral agreement that an adoptive family says they will be a part of, there is no legal binding to an open adoption.  Going in to our adoption we knew that an open adoption was what IS in the best interest of Cooper, for his overall well being of self.  We wanted his birthmom to know that just because she was placing him in our care, did not mean that she was releasing him altogether and then he'd be gone.  One of the best phrases our Pastor, Toby, used recently in a sermon he said that "releases get sweeter when you release to God."  That has never rung more true over the course of the past year.  In that same sermon on Mother's Day Toby spoke to them mom's saying that our children aren't ours, they belong to God, and encouraged us to release them to the Lord because they are His.  To not mourn the milestones and be sad, to not live in the past, but when they are released to the Lord we are free to love them as they are and where they are.  During our time away from Cooper as he was in the NICU for those 4 weeks, I learned a lot about release.  I knew that Cooper belonged to the Lord and right then he was where he was supposed to be...not that is was easy, by any stretch of the imagination, and not that I didn't cry and grieve or be angry...but yet we stood fast in the promise that was made to us.  And over the course of the months since we became a family (June 25, 2014), I knew that he wasn't just mine/ours, he was the Lords and he was also Mama Maria's.  All of that felt well and good, until this past week.

For a few months now we have been planning our birthday celebration with Cooper's birth mom and his 1/2 siblings.  I had anxiously awaited being able to celebrate with her, hug her again, and tell her how much we love her and how much we love our son.  (She had not seen Cooper since he was about 4 weeks old & in NICU).   On Thursday my anxiety began to rise, Friday it was higher and on Saturday it led me to uncontrollable tears....I was excited, scared no terrified, happy, terrified, joyful, anxious....and so many more emotions that I don't know even how to list them all.   I had not felt like this ever before...the knot in my stomach...what if she thinks we are doing a bad job?  What if she doesn't think he's progressed like he should?  What if she's a crying mess and can't handle it?  What if I'm a crying mess and can't handle it?  What if the kids react in a negative way and are hateful to him?  What if the kids can't separate from him when it's time to go?  The list of questions flowing in my head kept going....  Prayers began, by me and a multitude of others, a crying call to my best friend Brenna, a little bit of Valor and Joy Essential Oils....and we pulled up to his Aunt's house, ran through the rain and into the house and IT ALL WENT AWAY!!!  EVERY LAST BIT OF ANXIETY AND FEAR!  

This was my heart!  This was my child's birth mom.  This IS my child's birth mom. This IS my child's half siblings, a sister who is 8 and a brother who is 5.  This IS my child's biological grandma and step-grandpa.  This IS my child's biological Aunt, Uncle and cousins that he sees on a regular basis.  And you know what's the best part...we all want what's best for him.  We all want him to thrive.  We all love him unconditionally.  And this is what our day was like...PURE LOVE!

The LOVE that she has for him in undeniable.  I know yesterday was not easy for her.  I can't imagine the feelings she had leading up to our day together.  If I was a mess, I can only imagine what she was going through, what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through.  The day was perfect.  The connection she has with Cooper is priceless.  The time that was spent with his siblings was irreplaceable.  

We don't just have two extended families..mine and Bryan's...we have three...mine, Bryan's and Cooper's.  Cooper has 3 sets of Grandparents, 3 sets of Aunts and Uncles, 3 sets of cousins, a birth mom, and a mom and dad that love him unconditionally.  We are blessed!

Cooper, his brother Santi, & cousin Jack - those 3 could be brothers!

 Santi and Cooper - ready to eat cake

 Still not a fan of cake, but sure did like making a "painting" mess with the frosting and then feeding the cake to his cousin dog, Bailey

Our first time "officially" in a pool

 Papa and Nene with all of their grandkids

 Mama Maria and her kiddos - Santi, Cooper & Shilo (don't mind Cooper's grumpy face...he was TIRED)

 Sisters and their kids - because of my last year in the classroom, teaching Johnny in 3rd grade...we have our Cooper - blessings come in the least expected ways

Adoption isn't easy...but with a lot of Faith, a dash of hope, a whole LOT of Grace, an even bigger amount of prayers, and a LOT of LOVE....we have an incredible family...and more courage than we could have even imagined would EVER be possible!

If you are ever looking for some encouragement...check out our church's messages online at www.crosstimberschurch.org - you won't regret it!  

got hope?

This blog has whirled around and around in my head for quite some time...and I'm finally able to sit down and write, not because my to do list is done...I'm actually procrastinating finishing up our taxes...but because today, while Cooper was napping, I watched "Mom's Night Out"and realized I have even more to say now!  (Sidebar...if you are a mommy, YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE...it was just what I needed today, in this temporary season of illness in our home!)

For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy.  I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth.  I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything.  I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full.  It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits!  I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep.   I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles!  I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.

For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS!  I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly.  I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get.  Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done.  I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be.  A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait.  We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.

Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.

During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope.  Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.

Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.

Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined.  In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US!  Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope.  Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable.  We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new.  If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis.  Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire.  Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives.   Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.

Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac.  We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy.  The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!

Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.

I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength.  If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/  All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!

All my love,
Jessica

May 2014 bring you PEACE

Wow, 2013 is almost over!  I'm brought to tears as I reflect on what this year has entailed for our family....a church service in January where the Holy Spirit very clearly told me I was to go to Uganda in August with our church, a leap of faith in deciding if I was to resign from teaching, new friends, healed hearts, an openness to what the Lord had in store for us, not starting the adoption process in June like we had intended a year ago, meeting more and more people leading us towards fostering, blessing upon blessing with providing, and most of all learning that our Lord is sovereign and with Him, all things truly are possible! 

As this year comes to a close, I was humbled in church last night....the worship leader, Barrett, who went to Uganda with me was leading worship (a treat for me, as he leads worship on another campus)...and of course he sang the one song that brings the most amazing memory to mind...."Your love never fails it never gives up, it never runs out on me"....I had never before experienced children worshiping like they did to that song!  I can't believe it's been almost a year since that trip became something I was working towards, praying about, and yearning for...and now I'm anxious to see if I'll be able to return again in August, or if there is something else in store for me.

Our Pastor, Toby, spoke about how in the middle of uncertain times, that is not a time for us to be anxious, it's a time for us to feel Jesus, and the calm that only HE can bring!  I think for the first time, I can say, without any hesitation or any pretending...I've never been happier!  The joy that has come to our lives is incredible...the people praying for us and our upcoming journey is amazing!

A few "maybe's" have come about....maybe this door for a child will open, maybe this door for a child will open...all in all, it's truly HIS plan.  Maybe it'll be a straight adoption, an open adoption and we'll add to our family.  Maybe it'll be a sibling pair that is currently in foster care with a family I met a few months ago.  Maybe it'll be through Buckner or maybe it'll be through another agency that we've learned about.    In all of this, I find peace, because my heart is tied to Christ, not to the circumstance of the unknown.  

I've always told my students....I don't pay the "what if" game...even though I find myself playing it...even in church last night...What if...I don't get to go to Uganda in August...What if...we do have a child placed in our home in March/June/whenever...What if...What if....  But I was quickly reminded that I don't have to play the "What if.." game, Christ came to bring us PEACE, through his stressful life on Earth, the trouble that comes is out of our control.

Romans 5 tells us that troubles build endurance, I know about endurance, I run long distances...I've never thought about the troubles that come our way building our endurance...we have PEACE because we've been made right with God, we are JUSTIFIED!  God doesn't waste our hurts, HE brings GOOD through our pain and in the end he DEARLY LOVES US!  Mary wasn't afraid when the angel came to her and said, "God is with you," despite the trials that came her with with the news the angel brought...she endured and because she endured, we have PEACE!

So, no more "resolutions"...I choose JOY, PEACE, LOVE, GRACE, (patience...dare I say it out-loud), and EXCITEMENT!  I have goals....selfishly...that maybe this will have been our last Christmas without a child...but we said that last year...so once again....it's HIS plan! 

No more resolutions...2014 GOALS...
To minister to those that need me/my story/my resources
To be a blessing to those around me
To take Boxing Lessons - a birthday present from Bryan
Run a few half marathons...my full marathon goal may not work out this year
To Love and Serve my husband the way the Lord wants me to
To pray relentlessly for our future child(ren)
To get my NEXT Tattoo - Thanks to my little brother's Christmas present to me

 
 Blessings to your and yours!  Christmas cards never made it out this year...and New Years cards probably won't either...but just maybe....a baby adoption/foster announcement will....

Jesus came to turn our world upside down...Peace will NEVER be in our circumstances...only in HIM!  Happy 2014!  May it be a year of PEACE for you and your family!


The Peace in our circumstances comes from Toby Slough's Upside Down Christmas - Part 2 - Click here to hear his message - you won't regret it!!!