got hope?

This blog has whirled around and around in my head for quite some time...and I'm finally able to sit down and write, not because my to do list is done...I'm actually procrastinating finishing up our taxes...but because today, while Cooper was napping, I watched "Mom's Night Out"and realized I have even more to say now!  (Sidebar...if you are a mommy, YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE...it was just what I needed today, in this temporary season of illness in our home!)

For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy.  I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth.  I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything.  I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full.  It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits!  I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep.   I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles!  I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.

For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS!  I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly.  I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get.  Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done.  I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be.  A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait.  We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.

Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.

During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope.  Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.

Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.

Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined.  In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US!  Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope.  Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable.  We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new.  If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis.  Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire.  Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives.   Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.

Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac.  We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy.  The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!

Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.

I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength.  If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/  All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!

All my love,
Jessica

What do you do when your dreams come true?

One of my favorite movies is "Coyote Ugly" and one of the final lines of the movie the main character says..."what do you do when your dreams have come true?"  I guess that's how I feel now, my dream came true...I love my sweet little family so much. 

The change that we've undergone over the course of the past 11 weeks since Cooper's birth has been spectacular!!!  We walked into the hospital in Austin on May 22nd excited for Cooper to arrive, but we had no idea the transformation that our marriage would undergo and the level of faith we would climb to.  Today someone told me they were sorry for what we had to go through, but I'm not...I actually wouldn't change anything, not one single thing!  Cooper will know the deep love his birth mother had for him, he will know that she loved us enough to bless us with him so that we could give him the life she wished for him, he will know that we fought to have him, that we loved him so much that we couldn't just let go, and he will know HIS GOD STORY!  Lots of pieces were put into place by various people, but all of it, every last little piece was orchestrated by our Heavenly Father and for that we are eternally thankful.  Never before have Bryan and I been more united and in sync with one another, we've learned to be even more vulnerable than ever before, and to truly rely on our Heavenly Father throughout this entire situation.  New friends have come into our lives through this situation, friends we might have never come into contact with, but we sure are glad that we did!

Our adjustment to being home has been fairly smooth.  We eat, sleep, poop, cry, eat, sleep, and HATE having our diaper and clothes changed...so much that we scream so hard we've gone somewhat hoarse.  Now it's kind of funny when he gets mad because he sounds muffled. 

Here is a video my dear friend Krista made for my baby shower.  We can't watch it without crying!

 

 

 

Last week Bryan went to court to terminate any paternity that could possibly come forward to try to claim him...so now we wait on our final adoption court date, which is slated for the end of September, and that's when Cooper's name changes legally and we get a birth certificate with our name.

 

He's still growing like a weed...almost 1 pound a week!  We are loving EVERY minute of our time with him and being our own little family is so cool!

 

 Here are some more recent pictures!

 

1 month was June 22nd - which was 36 weeks gestational
2 months was July 22nd - which was 5 days after his original due date

Some of my very dear prayer warrior friends!  It's amazing how friendships have grown and developed over the birth of this young man!  So blessed by Jill, Crystal, Krista and Cristy!

 

A friend, Michelle M., came and took newborn shots for us a few days after we got home.  Needless to say, Super Cooper did NOT cooperate, but we are so in love with the pictures she got!  Be sure to check out Michelle My Belle Photography.   

 

All dressed up for his baby shower debut!

Cooper and his BEST buddy Lukas in their matching car seats! 



sometimes things suck

You know that inspirational saying about walking in the sand, and there are two sets of prints and then there are only one...well, that's where we are....there's only one set of prints and we aren't sure how we've gotten to where we are, other than the Lord watching over us and carrying us through this muddled up situation.

To say the past week has been peachy keen would be just a damn lie.  To say Father's Day is happy is another damn lie.  Bryan should be celebrating his first Daddy day, but we aren't.  We boycotted our anniversary on Thursday and have just been sad. 

A short recap...last Friday our attorney told us we were going to need co-counsel to fight the hospital, Monday rolled around, no word on co-counsel, Tuesday we are told the co-counsel doesn't have time but here's the name of another "bull-dog" attorney who can help.  I call them, only to find out my attorney did not...to be told we don't have a case and there's nothing that can be done...I'm not okay with that answer and I want an attorney to speak with us face to face...so I press on and call, pleading my case to other known attorneys, all of whom don't even have the decency to call me back.  Thankfully, our new friends from church, have a great Christian adoption attorney who gets on the phone with me, is willing to meet us after hours, but ends up just seeing us Thursday morning.  He's amazing...we love him...he's frank, he's honest, and he listens without interrupting us.  Unfortunately, that day we finally had a copy of some paperwork from the hospital, only to find out that if our attorney had requested it on May 27th, like we had asked, we would not be sitting in his office, on our 4th anniversary finding out that there really is nothing we can do....despite the corruption and unethical behavior on behalf of the hospital.  Well, damn!  (excuse my language, I'm rather sad/mad)  Happy anniversary to us...so we decide we can't fight, if we know we will lose, and he's telling us we will lose. 

We had several candid conversations with the birth mom, who is terribly sorry...as she knows she was the one who put this into motion...we believe unintentionally, but none the less, put it into motion.  She knows she wants us to be Cooper's parents, and now she has to fight a battle to get him back to us.  We tell her we love her, we tell her we love him, but we can't keep living on "pipe dreams."  I've said it before...I either need to grieve or I need to fight.  So, we grieve.  We've cried a lot, we are at different stages of our grief...but we still can't fight the gut, pure faith feeling that Cooper is to be ours.  So, we cried a lot Thursday and Friday.

Friday four of my trusted Christian prayer warrior friends showed up to pray over us...as they too feel that the Lord is not revealing to them anything different than Cooper being in our home, being our child, being raised by us, that he's destined to do GREAT things for our Heavenly Father, all the while being raised by us...how does one argue with that...when they have had daily prayer vigils for us and Cooper, bringing themselves closer to the Lord, to one another and ultimately closer to us.  After they left I had not felt more at peace....it was a strong calming feeling, a feeling I had not felt in over a week. 

One thing I learned in Uganda last August was that demons are real...I know that, but I really didn't understand that.  I know that Satan attacks when we are the strongest....when our faith is so strong and secure, he tries to bring us down, bring those around us down.  A few weeks ago, my mom told me that the day we called telling her Cooper was not ours, she sat and cried, feeling the same helpless feeling like she felt the night of my break in, 7 years ago...knowing a man had intended to end my life, and knowing there was nothing she could do...over those months of healing for me, I learned a lot about myself and my faith...I was NOT where I am now faith wise, but I knew I was a fighter and I knew that man would NOT win!  I would not let his intentions to end my life, actually end my happy life, I fought through the debilitating fear, overcoming obstacles of terror, meeting with counselors, being overcome with panic and anxiety like I had never experienced before, fighting God and crying "why me," being told that these horrific things seem to always happen to me because I somehow always overcome them, making choices that weren't the best, but fighting none the less.  I overcame, and only by the grace of God, through lots of prayers, and a fight...he lost and I won, God won for me.  Satan lost!  So, here I sit again, this time with a loving husband by my side...but this time the fight isn't internal, we are fighting actual people, people who make immoral judgments and can't seem to make ethical decisions...the ultimate decision, what's best for Cooper?  For once this fight isn't just internal, and I can't just give up.

Here we sit, after a weekend of just being slugs...watching more movies than we've watched in a year...I read a sad book...it's always best to read sad books when you are already sad, right?  Hey, everyone said they cried bucks of tears reading The Fault in our Stars...yeah, it was sad, but it put my situation into perspective...but yet it made me sad for the characters who obviously do not know Jesus, even though they meet in the "heart of Jesus" for their cancer support group meetings.  None the less, I finished a book faster than I've finished a book in a long time.  Yeah, today is sad...I'm sad for Bryan...but yet, I know our chapter of this story isn't over yet...damn, it's been a long one, a bit rocky at times, and down right shitty, but I truly believe there is a happy ending to be had...I believe it with all I have in me, I have to...I guess I'm just not ready to give up yet!  As I teacher, I always fought for what was best for the children, their well being...sometimes I lost, but I never said I didn't do what was best and do all I could...and that's what I am doing, that's what we are doing...fighting for what we know is best for the little boy that we believe God has shown us to be ours.  What that future looks like, we don't know, how it will play out, we don't know...but here's what we know...

Cooper is doing well, he's about 10 days to 2 weeks from being released from NICU.  He's now in an open bed.  We understand that the hospital is doing an audit of our case, and that they are recognizing unethical behavior having been a part of our situation.  We don't know how things will play out, we do know that we have to wait until Thursday to do our final request to the state paternity board to see if dad has officially claimed Cooper as his...if this has not happened, we might have a fighting chance.  I know you may be learning this for the first time, please do not be upset with us for not sharing this in person or via the phone, this roller coaster sucks...and it's begun to suck the life out of us...we are tired, we are weary, and we are putting ourselves first in this battle, as it's our little family we are fighting for, and frankly it's easier to type than it is to talk.

Through all of this, we hold no ill will, blame, or hatred towards the birth mom and her sister, my friend, we love them...we know so much of this experience we would not have had if it weren't for them picking us.  We had no idea how this would play out, and well, there are no guarantees in adoption...no matter what kind.  I've witnessed evil in this hospital, through some of the staff, and it makes me sad.

Here's what I know....we are hiring a new attorney, we are not letting go of this yet, and if Cooper doesn't get to come home with us, we pray he is safe and loved.  We pray that the "dad" does not use Cooper as a pawn in his manipulation and that he has a change of heart as to what is best for Cooper.  We pray for the birth mom and her ultimate sacrifice, that her decision for us to be Cooper's parents is the ultimate end to our adoption journey, we pray for her extended family as they too have played a role in this, we pray for our family and the roller coaster of emotions we have put them on, we are sorry for hurt feelings, as none of it is intentional or meant to hurt anyone.  We know you all love us, but please don't ask us what you can do, as we don't know how to answer that...just do what you want to do for us, do what you are lead to do...we too do not know how to do this, we've never done this before.  If we've been rude, we are sorry.  If we've hurt your feelings, we are sorry.  If you show up, we may be in our jammies, we may be crying, we may be happy, we may be starving or living on flavored popcorn, or Blue Bell.  Just know, that this too will pass, and we will be fine...no matter the outcome.

Please just keep us in your prayers!  Peace of mind, clarity, discernment, the right people to talk to, doors to clearly shut with no light shining through, strength of mind and body, and to be held up when we can't walk anymore....and most of all Cooper's body healing and his safety.

We love you all, and appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts, Facebook posts, and most of all the prayers, as they have been felt!

JC

wHaT a RIdE

Where oh where to begin!  First of all, thank you for the constant prayers, messages, and surrounding us with your love!  What an experience this has been, and is yet to be!  Without going into great detail because of privacy for all parties involved, here's the jist. 

Cooper was born safely at 32 weeks on Thursday, May 22nd at 12:55pm, 4lbs 10oz, 17.5inches long...birth mom and Cooper were doing beautifully!  There were a TON of hiccups, non that were foreseen, but we got through them...we were able to have access to Cooper Friday and Saturday, Sunday the hospital revoked that due to their guidelines...but whatever.  Monday, May 26th, his birth mom relinquished her rights at about 7:30pm and he became ours!  WOOHOOO!!!  We didn't get to see him until about 8:30pm because of a few hospital regulations, etc...we spent many hours there with him that night, finally getting to hold him for the first time.  In those few days of his life he had done so well...considering he was 8 weeks early!  He had no extra medication, a few extra fluids via IV, only room air in his cannula (nose tube), and took milk on day 2 through his feeding tube in his mouth, began sucking on a pacifier (despite the difficulty the feeding tube and cannula posed) on Saturday. 

Tuesday, the 27th, was a bit of a train wreck....a supposed bio dad came forward, wanting to claim his paternity, but it's not that easy, legally.  HOWEVER, in the eyes of the hospital they viewed "dad" as his guardian and not our legal paperwork, that says we are his guardians in the eyes of the law.  Needless to say our attorney was not too happy.  BUT, we left, heartbroken...because while we were there they took his cannula out, his IV was coming out, AND he was going to begin bottle feeding, they were moving his mouth feeding tube to his nose to supplement what they gave him via bottle.  More great progress our little Cooper was making!  Leaving was heartbreaking!  Our attorney told us the next steps that had to happen, and we said okay...we want this baby...we feel very strongly that this is to be our child, and if not, we will have dotted every I and crossed every t to put ourselves in the position to give this little guy the best life possible.  In the meantime, we wait! 

We packed up our RV on Tuesday and headed home, in a bit of a trans...we know we hurt many feelings because we just wouldn't talk to anyone, we couldn't, reliving it was Hell!  We were devastated, but we knew that over the course of days since Cooper's birth our marriage was stronger and we were united, and our faith was unstoppable!  We cried, yelled at God, cried some more, and hauled butt home to sleep in our own beds and snuggle with PB.  Wednesday was a bit of a blur, we didn't get out of our PJ's and we didn't talk to anyone, unless you showed up on our doorstep and crawled in bed with us to cry with us.  Thursday, was a little easier, Friday was hard, but better...and well, Saturday was the hardest, because I knew that was supposed to be my baby shower, and presents had been delivered by UPS, the mail man, our in laws, etc....Cooper's room was closed and we just didn't open the door.  Sunday was easier.  Monday even easier.  And Today, Tuesday, we got a glimmer of hope....hope I can't share, but I can ask you to continue to pray!

Here's what we need prayers for: Cooper to continue to get stronger (we have no idea how he's doing because they denied us access), that what we need to happen or not happen to go according to HIS plan, and that by the end of the week we have a more definitive answer as to how this is all going to play out! 

I know it's vague....but that's all I can say for now!  We love you all, cherish your prayers, and hope to be celebrating with our sweet and perfect baby, Cooper soon enough!  And if we aren't, we know God has a plan...we will continue the adoption process, but go the agency route instead...at least the paperwork is done!  :) 

I am continually led back to Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose .

We know we are to be parents, and we just have a peace that Cooper will be ours.  Many of our friends still firmly believe that the Lord has made it clear to them that Cooper will be ours, their children have dreams about teaching Cooper to walk in their living rooms and me rocking him to sleep in our home...so that we stand firm on!  With faith like a child! 

Please forgive us for not necessarily reaching out, we know you are all there, we know you love us, we have been blessed by many, and are thankful for the space we have been given...as being sad is just too hard, and being stared at with the look of pity is too hard.  We are both busy with work, Bryan's back in Kyle working and Focused Ed, LLC is booming...so it's a good thing I pulled myself together, poor Brenna would be drowning...we only sent close to 1,000 emails today!  :) 

Again, thanks!  And I look forward to updating you again soon!  Keep the prayers coming...where two or three gather in my name, there I am among them!  Matthew 18:20!

We love you all!
Jess & Bryan

T minus 4 days....

Well, last night Bryan and I spent our last night in our house together, before we come home as a family of 3***...YIKES!  As I sit on our porch, it's gorgeous outside, and reflect on life in general these past few years it's quite amazing how this story has played out.  This past Wednesday, May 14th, 7 years ago was the anniversary of the break in...thinking back to that time in my life, the healing and recovery, the emotional state I was in for many May's, and the forgiveness that has taken place in my life over the course of the past 7 years...and looking forward to what is to come this week and the journey we are about to embark on, I'm blown away, as I couldn't have written a better story.

Right now, birth mom and Cooper are doing well.  She's hanging in there, the concerns and risks are still high...but she's been able to keep him baking, and we're just a few days away from the 32 week mark.  Wednesday they will admit her to begin monitoring her, as they take her off of her blood thinners, that's when we need the MOST prayers!  Please pray for her body to react in an okay way, so that Cooper can remain in until they deem appropriate Thursday morning.  There is NOT a scheduled C-section time, as they have to wait to see how her body does on Wednesday.  We are asking for prayers, specific prayers, that the doctors remain calm, make decisions with BOTH of their best interests at heart, and that the surgery is smooth and both come out of it without any trouble or complications. 

We will post when he is born, however, I do not know that we will post any pictures until the 48 hour mark, when she relinquishes her rights.  Throughout all of this, we are keeping her at the highest priority, what she wants and what is best for her as she makes this ultimate sacrifice.  I know how I feel and how Bryan feels about this unborn child, whom she is blessing us with, the struggles this pregnancy has caused her body....and I wish there was a way that we could repay what she is doing for us, but what it all comes down to, is that Cooper will KNOW without a shadow of a doubt the unconditional love that she had for him, that in no way is he unwanted, but dually loved! 

Everyone keeps telling me to sleep, but I think the only way I'm going to sleep from now until he arrives is with the help of Tylenol PM.  :)  The room is ready, my packing list is made, arrangements for all of my tutoring, the house, and so much more has been taken care of...so tomorrow I get to enjoy some friend time, run a few errands and begin to pack!  Tuesday we get to tour the NICU with the social worker, so we have an idea of how that works, and Wednesday our parents arrive!

Please keep us all in your prayers, and the next time you hear from me, Cooper will be here! 

***So, Bryan is working on a job in Kyle, TX right now...so that makes Cooper's arrival even easier on his work/vacation time.  He'll be able to work and be at the hospital at night for almost 3 weeks, and only have to come home for 1-2 nights in between now and June 5th or so!  YAY!  And while I get to come home for my shower in a few weeks, he'll stay at the hospital with Cooper and the same for the day of my best friend's bridal shower.

Abundant Blessings

Do you ever have one of those days where you are all blubbery and teary eyed?  Bryan and I have had a CRAZY fun week, our best friends, Brenna and Derek left us in charge of their two precious boys for 3 days and two nights while they played in Vegas...what fun we had!  LOVED every minute of being "mom and dad" together!  But man oh man is homework a beating!  We got a taste of what it was like to both be working full time, as I was subbing at their school, coming home doing homework, cooking dinner, prepping for the following day, trying to have some fun, spoiling them a little bit (ice cream at 7pm when bedtime is at 8pm is a BAD IDEA!!!), and just enjoying our time together!  All in all, no injuries, everyone was smiling in the end, and I learned (again) that I married an AMAZING MAN!  A truly loving, patient and Godly man!  I absolutely can't wait until we get to be parents, watching him with Austin and Landon for the past three days brought such a smile to my face!  

This morning I told myself I could sleep in a little bit, then I'd do some work, and begin packing our kitchen for our remodel job!  I sat down with my coffee, not for my quiet time (which is what I should have done) but to watch this week's episode of The Biggest Loser and to work on my computer getting a few things for Focused Ed done.  I found myself crying over the life changes of the contestants, feeling excited for them, and yet an overwhelmed sense of joy in our own lives.  Looking at our schedule for Focused Ed's STAAR tutoring and the abundance of kids that have registered and I kept thinking...this is OURS...this is OUR business...we are our OWN bosses...and man oh man do I have the best business partner ever....Brenna and I have been so blessed to have taken the leap of faith and resigned from teaching, to step out and try something new for our families!  And now to see....IT'S WORKING!!  TEARS!!!! 

Then I think about the overwhelming job of packing our kitchen....a remodel project...what?  I quit my job...thank you Lord for your blessings!  We are able to make things happen, things that we've wanted to do for awhile now...and even better.....we are paying someone to paint our enormous cabinets!  Even more TEARS!

And of course the baby news....TEARS!!!  We have finally picked an agency!  After the Lord closing doors and leaving us with a sense of unrest when it came to the original agency we thought we'd use, through the few road blocks he put up (Thanks Krista B. for that chat....you were right...road blocks they were), last week I was able to talk to the RIGHT person, at the  RIGHT agency, who said the RIGHT thing!  For once we were told....it's okay to be selfish, it's okay to want an infant and only an infant, it's okay to not want to be foster parents that kids come in and out of your home, it's okay to want a child who you will more than likely adopt...our needs/wants/desires to be parents were HEARD and understood!  That's huge!   Our first 19 pages of paperwork are almost complete and will be sent off to Covenant Kids, our training begins the end of February and will be done in two weekends...all 36 hours in two weekend!  Brutal, but no dragging them out...wham bam!  

I am anxiously awaiting the kitchen remodel to be finished so that I can plan the baby room...I promised Bryan I wouldn't attempt to start any new projects until that one was finished....but that doesn't mean I haven't been making Babies R Us wish lists and picking out themes...which I think I already have picked out....

All in all...overwhelmed with abundant blessings is my theme for this past week and upcoming weekend!  Thank you Lord for all you've given us, the peace that passes all understanding, our loving friends and family, those praying for us daily, the strength you give us, the love we have for one another, the growth spiritually and emotionally together and separate, YOU truly have a plan...and I'm liking where it's going!  

May 2014 bring you PEACE

Wow, 2013 is almost over!  I'm brought to tears as I reflect on what this year has entailed for our family....a church service in January where the Holy Spirit very clearly told me I was to go to Uganda in August with our church, a leap of faith in deciding if I was to resign from teaching, new friends, healed hearts, an openness to what the Lord had in store for us, not starting the adoption process in June like we had intended a year ago, meeting more and more people leading us towards fostering, blessing upon blessing with providing, and most of all learning that our Lord is sovereign and with Him, all things truly are possible! 

As this year comes to a close, I was humbled in church last night....the worship leader, Barrett, who went to Uganda with me was leading worship (a treat for me, as he leads worship on another campus)...and of course he sang the one song that brings the most amazing memory to mind...."Your love never fails it never gives up, it never runs out on me"....I had never before experienced children worshiping like they did to that song!  I can't believe it's been almost a year since that trip became something I was working towards, praying about, and yearning for...and now I'm anxious to see if I'll be able to return again in August, or if there is something else in store for me.

Our Pastor, Toby, spoke about how in the middle of uncertain times, that is not a time for us to be anxious, it's a time for us to feel Jesus, and the calm that only HE can bring!  I think for the first time, I can say, without any hesitation or any pretending...I've never been happier!  The joy that has come to our lives is incredible...the people praying for us and our upcoming journey is amazing!

A few "maybe's" have come about....maybe this door for a child will open, maybe this door for a child will open...all in all, it's truly HIS plan.  Maybe it'll be a straight adoption, an open adoption and we'll add to our family.  Maybe it'll be a sibling pair that is currently in foster care with a family I met a few months ago.  Maybe it'll be through Buckner or maybe it'll be through another agency that we've learned about.    In all of this, I find peace, because my heart is tied to Christ, not to the circumstance of the unknown.  

I've always told my students....I don't pay the "what if" game...even though I find myself playing it...even in church last night...What if...I don't get to go to Uganda in August...What if...we do have a child placed in our home in March/June/whenever...What if...What if....  But I was quickly reminded that I don't have to play the "What if.." game, Christ came to bring us PEACE, through his stressful life on Earth, the trouble that comes is out of our control.

Romans 5 tells us that troubles build endurance, I know about endurance, I run long distances...I've never thought about the troubles that come our way building our endurance...we have PEACE because we've been made right with God, we are JUSTIFIED!  God doesn't waste our hurts, HE brings GOOD through our pain and in the end he DEARLY LOVES US!  Mary wasn't afraid when the angel came to her and said, "God is with you," despite the trials that came her with with the news the angel brought...she endured and because she endured, we have PEACE!

So, no more "resolutions"...I choose JOY, PEACE, LOVE, GRACE, (patience...dare I say it out-loud), and EXCITEMENT!  I have goals....selfishly...that maybe this will have been our last Christmas without a child...but we said that last year...so once again....it's HIS plan! 

No more resolutions...2014 GOALS...
To minister to those that need me/my story/my resources
To be a blessing to those around me
To take Boxing Lessons - a birthday present from Bryan
Run a few half marathons...my full marathon goal may not work out this year
To Love and Serve my husband the way the Lord wants me to
To pray relentlessly for our future child(ren)
To get my NEXT Tattoo - Thanks to my little brother's Christmas present to me

 
 Blessings to your and yours!  Christmas cards never made it out this year...and New Years cards probably won't either...but just maybe....a baby adoption/foster announcement will....

Jesus came to turn our world upside down...Peace will NEVER be in our circumstances...only in HIM!  Happy 2014!  May it be a year of PEACE for you and your family!


The Peace in our circumstances comes from Toby Slough's Upside Down Christmas - Part 2 - Click here to hear his message - you won't regret it!!!