2014 National Adoption Month Instagram Posts

November is National Adoption month! How has adoption impacted me? 18 years ago I was told I'd probably never have my own children...a tough pill to swallow at 18, that "came true" January 2008 and if it weren't for adoption I wouldn't have this little guy to love! The road was full of bumps, bruises, tears and healing...and I'd do it all over again! Thanks@mixed__beautifully for this challenge! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #thereisanothertagbuticantrememberit #knittogethersomethingorother

Day two of #knittogetherbyadoption -step one - our step one initially was walking towards foster care, feeling that was where The Lord was leading us. We attended our first meeting a year ago this month but it took us until January to pick the agency we would use...we picked our agency, registered for our classes...and then it all changed! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #blessedbyadoption #openadoption

Day 3 - Education - #knittogetherbyadoption - there is no better education than learning your child's needs and cues, no class can prepare you for how your child will develop. Learn together! Grow together! Use your community resources to aid in your learning. Lean on your support system. Be open to change. Know things don't go the way you want but the way our Heavenly Father plans them. Pray a lot! Love your added blessing! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #openadoption

Day 4 - family photo - #knittogetherbyadoption - no tribe just the 3 of us and the dog. I would love more, some day if the door opens again (my dream is an orphan Ugandan), but for now we are beyond thankful for our baby Cooper, our super trooper! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #blessedbyadoption

Day 5 - anticipation - #knittogetherbyadoption - I LOVE Christmas, our little 1200sq ft house explodes at Christmas.....last Christmas we said...this 'could' be our last Christmas just the two of us...we had no idea about the call we would get in February...meeting birth mom for the sono...finding out baby was a boy...hearing his heartbeat...seeing him on the screen...having a peace knowing that baby would be ours....unsure of what our open adoption would look like...a little scared but more excited! As the weeks pressed on my anticipation turned into concern for our birth mom's complications, I knew our little guy would be okay, but would his tummy mummy be ok? Planning his perfect room, sorting through names, reassuring friends and family that it was okay for us to get ready for him...he would be ours...our original due date of July 17 was bumped to June, then May 22 to keep mom and baby safe...waiting in the waiting room to hear that they were both ok....all those feelings were happy anticipation, not filled with worry...Bryan worried, I didn't...I had a peace that could only come from above, my faith had grown so much over the past year....he arrived and then my fear hit and Bryan's peace set in....little did we know the road of sheer joy and then devastation we would encounter in the coming weeks! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #cooperkenneth #nationaladoptionmonth

Day 6 - Prayer- #knittogetherbyadoption - this precious picture was taken at Cooper' dedication...my two nephews were tucked down in Cooper's car seat while we got dinner ready, I snuck around to get a picture and realized Knox was praying with Nolan and Cooper. *tears* that's just a small snippet of how prayer has played a roll in our miracle baby - but the most memorable prayers took place without any of us present - 4 Godly ladies that I used to teach with would gather and pray every day after school from the time Cooper was born - The Lord clearly speaking to each of them the afternoon we lost our custody of Cooper, mid prayer The Lord changed their prayer from comforting us to guiding us as we don't just let go, that he Lord promised Cooper to us and He be ours, all in God's timing. We were home from NICU for 3 weeks before they came to pray over us and share this with us. One week later, a new attorney & birth mom's help that prayer was answered and we had our little guy back!! - there was a lot of emotion as we gained our access back to NICU - another prayer answered was that his angel nurse, Jenn, who was with him and us the night he was born had stayed with him the 4 weeks we were gone, loving him a little extra, telling him about us...even though she had no idea if or when we'd be back! Our sweet Jenn was with us our last night and many many tears were shed as her shift ended but that didn't end the friendship and the connection we have with her! The night after we left was her last shift and she moved north! *tears* Cooper's onesie at dedication says "I am an answer to prayers" some day he will understand the magnitude of that outfit for his dedication! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #coopersdedication #cousinsarethebest #answertoprayer

Day 7 - documentation - #knittogetherbyadoption - todays's topic is fitting since I'm at a craft retreat working on scrapbooks...I've been a life journaler (aka scrapbook FANATIC) for 14 years....and even more so for our sweet boy! I journal often and chronicle everything in his scrapbooks...yes, books plural! Cooper knowing his story when the time is right is so important! I began "adoption" journaling through my blog...writing is healing, writing is therapy, I can't wait to see how the ret of our story goes! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #scrapbookaddict #stampinup #stampinupdemonstrator

Day 8 - speaking out - #knittogetherbyadoption - my life, my struggles, my journey have been an open book..how else can we show others the miracles of our savior? I've learned so much about myself when I openly share. My story has helped others. Sharing my view point, my struggle with deciding to go ahead with my hysterectomy before my Prince Charming arrived wasn't the most popular idea among many of my friends and family but they didn't live in the constant pain I had lived in for 13 years....and now with adoption, my heart with hating with others is even greater! And now with this adoption community I'm so blessed to read about others journey through open adoption and how strongly we feel (despite what others around us think) about Cooper being a huge part of his biological family's life...we wouldn't have him if it weren't for them. Am I fearful about it? No! Do I worry about hurting him? No, because I know that we won't put him in situations where the hurt will be intentional. Will he always understand how loved he was? Yes! He will know how we fought for him, along side his biological family because they wanted him to be with us. Will it e easy, nope...nothing in my life has been "easy"....my best friend was praying for us at the beginning of this process and she told me her selfish prayer was for our process to be "easy".... It wasn't easy, but it was exactly what God wanted it to be. A test of our faith and His demonstration of faithfulness to us, His children! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #openadoption

Day 9 - Happy World Adoption Day - #knittogetherbyadoption - there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for this little man! He is the biggest blessing! The most loved little guy! His Godstory has already affected many, he will continue to do so! Amazing Grace! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #worldadoptionday

Day 10 - birth - #knittogetherbyadoption - this is a sweet picture of Cooper's birth mama with him in NICU a day after he was born. She shared her time with him with us those first few days. The joy and pain in brought to all of us was life changing, but we wouldn't trade it for anything. The love his has for him is extraordinarily special. We were lucky to have been there along side her. It may not have gone as we had hoped at the 48 hour mark, but how does one expect it to be easy for a birth mom to "walk away?" We shouldn't expect it to. As I was hurt that it didn't go as we hoped, she was hurting more....from the very beginning we said we wanted what was best for her, because her long term well being is just as important as Cooper's well being. She named him a name that was special and we will always honor that, he will know that the love she has for him is huge, the sacrifice she made is the biggest and hardest gift anyone will ever give us! We ❤️our tummy mummy very much! #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks

Day 11 - remember - #knittogetherbyadoption - I have thought and thought about this one.....we need to remember who to give the glory to for this bundle....we remember life before we had him and it just doesn't begin to compare....I want to remember every change, all his growth, so some day I can share it with his tummy mummy. I email her every few weeks pictures, knowing she may or may not look at it now, but she will when she's ready. I scrapbook (digitally thankfully) every thing I can, I write down the mile stones and our feelings....he may not remember but he will know how loved he is! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #openadoption #blessedbyadoption

Day 12 & 13 - #knittogetherbyadoption - describe it & caseworker lumped in to one - when we knew the little guy was to be ours we thought the process would be easy...found a "great" attorney, learned how different an independent adoption is without an agency....what we didn't expect was for our first attorney to tuck his tail when things got complicated. Even the social worker wasn't standing her ground To help us. We were lied to by our attorney and taken advantage of...and all we could do was pray that the right people were taking care if him in NICU and that he would not be released until the mess was sorted out. The longest, toughest month of our life....after being told to "just wait it out, wait for _____ or _______" to happen and then we will take action. Screw that! Do your job and fight for us...you won't...okay fine, you are fired and we will find someone who will help us. A long road to the RIGHT attorney and the right social worker...but they gave us the info we needed, the info birth mom and her sis needed to take action to help us get our little guy back...a week later we had seen a judge, moms rights terminated and we were guardians...still waiting on paternity registry, attorney ready to go to battle against "paternity" but The Lord of course had his hand in it all....no battle necessary, our battle had been fought and won! Praise The Lord! Cooper will always know how we fought with his tummy mummy to get him back! The love we have for her is so immense! The strength we now have was worth the struggle, and he is worth it! #openadoption #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks

Day 14- choosing your battles - #knittogetherbyadoption - whatever the battle may be...you do what's in the best interest of the child! Hence why we didn't give up fighting for what was best for this smiley little guy! Battles aren't easy but the children are worth every second! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption

Day 15 - #knittogetherbyadoption - education - having been a teacher for ten years, many kiddos asked me why I was never pregnant, why I didn't have a baby....as time went by it got easier to say that years ago my insides were "sick" and I can't have a baby but that we would adopt a baby one day....being open in that way to my students is the reason we have Cooper! I taught Cooper's biological cousin in 3rd grade, I went from Mrs. Cozens to Aunt Jess! --- being open with my students was always important to me, of course I never went in to detail, but my hysterectomy was ever a secret, never taboo, the parents of my students asked...if they asked about my career goals it was an open conversation that we would adopt and it was important to us for me to be home, but that I would work from home. -- when it came to explaining to our nieces when we learned about Cooper we used the book "The Tummy Mummy" a great folk tale type story, showing the love on both sides. As our nephews grow up along side Cooper talk of adoption will always be open! -- when Cooper is of school age, I'm not sure what that will look like, preferably not a traditional school, but only The Lord knows that answer, whatever it may be, the dialogue will be open and there will be lots of love spoken in regards to adoption and his birth family. Plus we are lucky to be close to his bio aunt/uncle/cousins! #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth

Day 16 - #knittogetherbyadoption - quote - as we started the adoption process this scripture was in a study I was doing by @priscillashirer and it spoke to me over and over again. Now I'm waiting on my tattoo artist to create it for my tattoo to represent this journey in our lives. #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth

World Premature Day and Day 17 - if you really knew me - #knittogetherbyadoption - here was our little guy the day he graduated from NICU! His first 5 weeks there was his angels keeping him there until we could officially be his mom and dad! - if you really knew me....that's hard because I'm an open book....I didn't know that our time (the first 5 days and his last 7 days of his 6 week stay) in NICU would be a breeze. The beeping, cords, blood work, doctors, nurses did not phase me.... If you really knew me you would know how hard it was for me to let go and not worry! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #nicugraduate #worldprematureday #blessedbyadoption

I didn't know it was Preemie Day until a little bit ago! I wore purple today without planning it! Hard to believe this sleeping babe was born at 32 weeks and will be 6 months on Saturday! #sweetbaby #cooperkenneth #nicubaby #nicugraduate #slowdown #blessedbyadoption

It's finally here!!!! Day 19 - rights - day 20 - men - #knittogetherbyadoption - first of all serious happy tears over the arrival of Coop's birth certificate. Adoption rights...for many many years I prepared myself for the process of adoption...it's hard to think that as long as your uterus works you can have a baby....but if your uterus doesn't work you get to have your life invaded to see if you are "fit" to be a parent & raise a child. Now I get that it's a woman's right to have a child, and I get that what adoptive families go through is keeping kids safe, but still! What if every OB/GYN and pregnancy center made every expectant family go through what we go through? Would our foster care programs change because CPS would be involved sooner? You may say that invades the rights of the pregnant woman... But what would it really do to protect the kids?? The topic of men then falls into place...we "lost" Cooper for 4 weeks due to a "bio-dad" wanting to claim he wanted Cooper, when in all reality he just wanted to use him as his pawn....but the hospital took our rights away because this man came forward claiming to be dad....in those 4 weeks the hospital had reported him ("dad") to CPS....but yet Cooper was scheduled to leave the hospital with this "dad"...who never changed his diaper, fed him, never spent more than 10 minutes at a time with him and didn't hold him... Then when he was removed from the hospital for family violence and his name was legally removed from the claim of paternity (a birth mom's right to do) he called the nurse and said he was leaving! And you "wanted" your child? He did nothing to earn the right to be a dad! Being a dad is so much more than donating your sperm! We thank God every day for his birth mom and her fight to do what was in the best interest of her and her child! #openadoption #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption

Day 20 - unique - #knittogetherbyadoption - today is unique in our family as it's Cooper's Mama Maria's birthday! Right now our only communication is via email....as she heals her heart. I wish I could call her, send her flowers and spoil her for the gift she gave us is far more than I can ever begin to repay! We pray that she is reading our emails and feels how much we love her! All of this is what makes adoption unique...our situation is different than my dear friend Shelby's adoption @theshelbsmg, our adoption is unique compared to what we thought it would be! Each of our adoptions are special and hold/will hold it's own challenges, but that's what makes adoption so beautiful!!! #cooperkenneth #openadoption #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #weloveourtummymummysomuch #blessedbyadoption

Day 21 -screen time & day 22- DNA- #knittogetherbyadoption This little nugget of entertainment is 6 months old today! If only we knew what what adventure was to come and still yet to come! - in regards to screen time I guess I would say my favorite is The Blind Side...a true testament that to be family you don't have to match, you don't have to share blood, and you don't have to come to be a part of the family as a baby. DNA is just a part of us, it does not define us and is not our single make up of who we are! Our definition is formed in Christ, this little fella of personality has an incredible God-story and we can't wait to see what He has in store for our sweet Super Cooper Trooper! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #cooperkenneth #somuchattitudeandheisonly6months

Day 23 - then & now - #knittogetherbyadoption - Cooper was 5 weeks old when we finally had our court order of legal guardianship, we were 1 week away from getting out of NICU. And now 6 months old! Hard to believe how fast time has flown! #slowdown #sleepyboy #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #lovehisCHEEKS

Day 24 - adoption outfit(s) of the day- #knittogetherbyadoption - Cooper needed special outfits for Adoption Day and Baby Dedication so I had these made for those occasions! Do you see the typo? It sat on the back of our couch for days while we admired it and NEVER noticed, a friend ended up pointing it out. Typo or no typo we LOVE them! The one outfit I regret not getting a specific picture of was the "mommy" onesie his nurse Jen put him in the day we gained our access back in to NICU. 😞 oh well, we have the memory! #nicugraduate #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #adoptionoutfits

Day 25 - strange things people say & day 26 - finalization day - #knittogetherbyadoption - for me the strange things people say has been minimal...mostly it's in regards to our open adoption...something we wanted from the get go....we NEEDED to know they would be around, we let go of that worry a long time ago, to do what would be best for Cooper.....but some say....aren't you afraid his bio family will come take him from you? Or "you leave him at their house and leave?" Well, yes, yes we do! They fought along side us for us to be together! So no, I'm not worried they will take him...they can't, he's ours! And yes, they babysit, he's their family too! They are our family too! --- our finalization day was just 2 months ago and was so special...and yes, his bio- aunt was there, standing by us as it became official. We were blessed to be surrounded by those that love us in the courtroom! #openadoption #adoptionrocks #adoptionlove #cooperkenneth

Day 27 - validation - #knittogetherbyadoption - Happy Thanksgiving - this dear dear friend@britbritster was the first friend phone call I made after we got the call about Cooper! I needed someone to cry with me...and someone to pray...and someone to tell me it was okay to be hopeful that this was to be our baby!! My Pretty Brity has had an incredible impact on my faith walk, so today, she is my validation for a huge part of our walk! Being able to spend time together at the Turkey Trot 5K was super special! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #firstturkeytrot #blessedbyadoption #loveher

Day 28 - World Wide Web - #knittogetherbyadoption - in 2012 my dear friend Jenn @robifer10 told me I needed to check out Lisa's @lisadodson79 blog about adoption. I knew who Lisa was from my two years of high school in Beaumont but didn't really know her...so I felt a little creepy reading her entire blog. I spent many nights crying as I read all the way back to the start..... I was reading the thoughts and feelings that I felt and could not vocalize easily. After I finished I sent her a message...after awhile we connected....they moved to the Dallas area and now we have this incredible friendship! Chase and Lisa shared with us their walk and emotions, which was great to hear! We are super blessed to have them in our lives!!! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #foreverfriends #blessedbyadoption

Day 29 - closure - #knittogetherbyadoption - I've read so many other's posts, connected with so many other open adoption families, it warms my heart to read about their journeys....with open adoption there isn't necessarily closure. There was closure to hurt feelings and what we thought was betrayal, but that was pure forgiveness...forget and move on. If that's closure...then so be it. We had closure to our long wait to become parents. We were lucky to avoid dealing with an agency. We had closure as we fired our first attorney, who happily took our money for not doing his job....and we very gladly moved on to our amazing attorney to helped us get closure to our separation from Cooper in NICU. I do look forward to a little bit of "closure" on only getting 3-4 hours if sleep at a time at night. And "closure" to not taking naps during the day would've fabulous! 😋 #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #cooperkenneth #6monthpictures

Day 30- next step - #knittogetherbyadoption - our next steps....raise a Godly son who is kind to others and loves The Lord and feels loved by all of his family! Beyond that, only the man upstairs has the insight into that! I used to say a sticky note beside my bed would be great, but nah! I'm good with Him revealing himself when He feels fitting! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #theendofnationaladoptionmonth #nationaladoptionmonth #cooperkenneth

Coming Home

The past week has been an incredible journey, and today as I was driving to Lewisville to buy a new garage door opener, the Newsboys song "We Believe" came on the radio..."in this broken generation, in all this dark YOU help us see, there is only one salvation, we believe, we believe, we believe in God the Father, we believe in Jesus Christ, we believe in the Holy Spirit, and he's given us new life...we believe in the crucifixion, we believe he conquered death, we believe in the resurrection, and he's coming back again, we believe...let our faith be more than anthems, greater than the songs we sing, and in our weakness and temptations, we believe...."

And this is what we've done...we've believed!  Through the hurt, the ups and downs, and heartache we've stood firm in HIS promise to us that Cooper Kenneth is OURS!  He is to be a Cozens! 

On Monday, I obtained the documentation that legally took the "dad" off of the birth certificate, hired the new attorney, and planned a trip to Austin for Tuesday to take the new relinquishment paperwork to the birth mom.  Tuesday my friend and I drove to Austin to get state sealed paperwork removing the "dad" and to meet with the birth mom to do a new relinquishment.  I didn't know how it would go, I didn't know how the birth mom would feel, I knew she wanted us to have him but I wasn't sure how seeing me would go...and I was blown away!  Her state of mind, her determination to make sure he is safe and with us...we had AMAZING conversations, her apologies overflowed, her thanking us for giving Cooper a loving home and for giving her a new start with her life.  Her strength is incredible.  We still battle the hospital, as they refuse to honor the legal paperwork taking "dad" off, however he was escorted out of the hospital last Sunday and has told the hospital he's gone.  So, we play their games.

I did get to spend about 45 minutes with Cooper on Tuesday.  I cried a lot and just rocked him. 

He's doing very well.  He's eating like a champ!  He has had a few "episodes" with his breathing while he's eating and his heart rate dropping when he eats, and these keep extending his time in NICU, delaying his release.  BUT that's okay, we want him to be ready to eat and breath correctly at home.  His tentative release is Wednesday, June 25th...this Sunday, the 22nd, he is 1 month old...so he'll be possibly released at what would have only been 36 weeks gestational.  He's a fighter!  The night before he is released a "sleep in" occurs with the one he is being released to...so right now that's birth mom...she'll spend the night in a family room at NICU, and then be released, we will be her ride to be picked up, and then we'll head straight home with Cooper.  Us doing the sleep in will depend on court...I'll get into that more later.

Wednesday the attorney had the new relinquishment in his hands, filed with the court, and we go to court Tuesday at 8am to terminate mom's rights.  Monday the attorney files with the "paternity registry" to find out if the "dad" "staked his claim" on Cooper in the way that he was supposed to, if he did not, then we hope to have his rights terminated at the same time on Tuesday.

If he did stake his claim, Cooper is still ours, we file a lawsuit against him, he's served with papers saying that if he wants to gain custody he must fight us...reply within 20 days, hire an attorney, appear in court in Dallas, and prove himself capable of taking care of Cooper.  And well...let's just say this character has had some violence issues recently....our attorney says no big deal, Cooper will be ours, but if we need to view it like fostering him to keep him safe until he's ours...then view it that way, since we were going to go the foster route before he came along.  So...regardless of the answer from paternity registry, Cooper comes to Dallas!

Here are our VERY specific prayers for this weekend and first of the week: pray that Cooper has NO MORE episodes and is released on Wednesday, pray that Cooper is safe and is taken care of appropriately so that he is successful with his feedings, pray that the hospital treats birth mom with respect, pray that the paternity registry shows us favor and is able to give our attorney an answer on Monday if "dad" has registered or not, pray that court goes smoothly on Tuesday, pray for favor from the judge, and continue to pray for our peace and for birth mom.

IF "dad" is able to be terminated in court on Tuesday, then we will head straight to Austin to give the hospital our paperwork granting us full custody and terminating the parents, so that we are able to do the "sleep in" with him on Tuesday night.  If he can't be terminated because of the registry, we go with our plan of picking up birth mom from the hospital and then heading home.

As a precaution of not being able to do the sleep in, we are meeting with our pediatrician today to go over preemie care...as they have to be handled a little bit differently than a full term baby.

Thank you for continuing to ride this journey with us!  We can't wait to share photos of him AT HOME!  We love you all!

Jess, Bryan, PB and soon to be Cooper Cozens

Abundant Blessings

Do you ever have one of those days where you are all blubbery and teary eyed?  Bryan and I have had a CRAZY fun week, our best friends, Brenna and Derek left us in charge of their two precious boys for 3 days and two nights while they played in Vegas...what fun we had!  LOVED every minute of being "mom and dad" together!  But man oh man is homework a beating!  We got a taste of what it was like to both be working full time, as I was subbing at their school, coming home doing homework, cooking dinner, prepping for the following day, trying to have some fun, spoiling them a little bit (ice cream at 7pm when bedtime is at 8pm is a BAD IDEA!!!), and just enjoying our time together!  All in all, no injuries, everyone was smiling in the end, and I learned (again) that I married an AMAZING MAN!  A truly loving, patient and Godly man!  I absolutely can't wait until we get to be parents, watching him with Austin and Landon for the past three days brought such a smile to my face!  

This morning I told myself I could sleep in a little bit, then I'd do some work, and begin packing our kitchen for our remodel job!  I sat down with my coffee, not for my quiet time (which is what I should have done) but to watch this week's episode of The Biggest Loser and to work on my computer getting a few things for Focused Ed done.  I found myself crying over the life changes of the contestants, feeling excited for them, and yet an overwhelmed sense of joy in our own lives.  Looking at our schedule for Focused Ed's STAAR tutoring and the abundance of kids that have registered and I kept thinking...this is OURS...this is OUR business...we are our OWN bosses...and man oh man do I have the best business partner ever....Brenna and I have been so blessed to have taken the leap of faith and resigned from teaching, to step out and try something new for our families!  And now to see....IT'S WORKING!!  TEARS!!!! 

Then I think about the overwhelming job of packing our kitchen....a remodel project...what?  I quit my job...thank you Lord for your blessings!  We are able to make things happen, things that we've wanted to do for awhile now...and even better.....we are paying someone to paint our enormous cabinets!  Even more TEARS!

And of course the baby news....TEARS!!!  We have finally picked an agency!  After the Lord closing doors and leaving us with a sense of unrest when it came to the original agency we thought we'd use, through the few road blocks he put up (Thanks Krista B. for that chat....you were right...road blocks they were), last week I was able to talk to the RIGHT person, at the  RIGHT agency, who said the RIGHT thing!  For once we were told....it's okay to be selfish, it's okay to want an infant and only an infant, it's okay to not want to be foster parents that kids come in and out of your home, it's okay to want a child who you will more than likely adopt...our needs/wants/desires to be parents were HEARD and understood!  That's huge!   Our first 19 pages of paperwork are almost complete and will be sent off to Covenant Kids, our training begins the end of February and will be done in two weekends...all 36 hours in two weekend!  Brutal, but no dragging them out...wham bam!  

I am anxiously awaiting the kitchen remodel to be finished so that I can plan the baby room...I promised Bryan I wouldn't attempt to start any new projects until that one was finished....but that doesn't mean I haven't been making Babies R Us wish lists and picking out themes...which I think I already have picked out....

All in all...overwhelmed with abundant blessings is my theme for this past week and upcoming weekend!  Thank you Lord for all you've given us, the peace that passes all understanding, our loving friends and family, those praying for us daily, the strength you give us, the love we have for one another, the growth spiritually and emotionally together and separate, YOU truly have a plan...and I'm liking where it's going!  

May 2014 bring you PEACE

Wow, 2013 is almost over!  I'm brought to tears as I reflect on what this year has entailed for our family....a church service in January where the Holy Spirit very clearly told me I was to go to Uganda in August with our church, a leap of faith in deciding if I was to resign from teaching, new friends, healed hearts, an openness to what the Lord had in store for us, not starting the adoption process in June like we had intended a year ago, meeting more and more people leading us towards fostering, blessing upon blessing with providing, and most of all learning that our Lord is sovereign and with Him, all things truly are possible! 

As this year comes to a close, I was humbled in church last night....the worship leader, Barrett, who went to Uganda with me was leading worship (a treat for me, as he leads worship on another campus)...and of course he sang the one song that brings the most amazing memory to mind...."Your love never fails it never gives up, it never runs out on me"....I had never before experienced children worshiping like they did to that song!  I can't believe it's been almost a year since that trip became something I was working towards, praying about, and yearning for...and now I'm anxious to see if I'll be able to return again in August, or if there is something else in store for me.

Our Pastor, Toby, spoke about how in the middle of uncertain times, that is not a time for us to be anxious, it's a time for us to feel Jesus, and the calm that only HE can bring!  I think for the first time, I can say, without any hesitation or any pretending...I've never been happier!  The joy that has come to our lives is incredible...the people praying for us and our upcoming journey is amazing!

A few "maybe's" have come about....maybe this door for a child will open, maybe this door for a child will open...all in all, it's truly HIS plan.  Maybe it'll be a straight adoption, an open adoption and we'll add to our family.  Maybe it'll be a sibling pair that is currently in foster care with a family I met a few months ago.  Maybe it'll be through Buckner or maybe it'll be through another agency that we've learned about.    In all of this, I find peace, because my heart is tied to Christ, not to the circumstance of the unknown.  

I've always told my students....I don't pay the "what if" game...even though I find myself playing it...even in church last night...What if...I don't get to go to Uganda in August...What if...we do have a child placed in our home in March/June/whenever...What if...What if....  But I was quickly reminded that I don't have to play the "What if.." game, Christ came to bring us PEACE, through his stressful life on Earth, the trouble that comes is out of our control.

Romans 5 tells us that troubles build endurance, I know about endurance, I run long distances...I've never thought about the troubles that come our way building our endurance...we have PEACE because we've been made right with God, we are JUSTIFIED!  God doesn't waste our hurts, HE brings GOOD through our pain and in the end he DEARLY LOVES US!  Mary wasn't afraid when the angel came to her and said, "God is with you," despite the trials that came her with with the news the angel brought...she endured and because she endured, we have PEACE!

So, no more "resolutions"...I choose JOY, PEACE, LOVE, GRACE, (patience...dare I say it out-loud), and EXCITEMENT!  I have goals....selfishly...that maybe this will have been our last Christmas without a child...but we said that last year...so once again....it's HIS plan! 

No more resolutions...2014 GOALS...
To minister to those that need me/my story/my resources
To be a blessing to those around me
To take Boxing Lessons - a birthday present from Bryan
Run a few half marathons...my full marathon goal may not work out this year
To Love and Serve my husband the way the Lord wants me to
To pray relentlessly for our future child(ren)
To get my NEXT Tattoo - Thanks to my little brother's Christmas present to me

 
 Blessings to your and yours!  Christmas cards never made it out this year...and New Years cards probably won't either...but just maybe....a baby adoption/foster announcement will....

Jesus came to turn our world upside down...Peace will NEVER be in our circumstances...only in HIM!  Happy 2014!  May it be a year of PEACE for you and your family!


The Peace in our circumstances comes from Toby Slough's Upside Down Christmas - Part 2 - Click here to hear his message - you won't regret it!!!

Raw Emotions

Last night was our first "meeting" at Buckner down in Dallas, we fought traffic all the way down there, ended up being late but didn't miss anything major.  The meeting was fairly straight-forward, here's what they require, here's what you need, blah blah blah.  They went through the information on foster and then foster to adopt (the route we think we are taking), and they talked a lot about how the state's goal is reunification into the family.  The speaker encouraged us to know that God has a plan for what child we will have, and we have to trust His plan and what He wants us to do.  The phrase that stuck out to both Bryan and I was, "we are to think of our selves as a safe home, not a family." 

Here's what I know, I know God has a plan.  I know (or am fairly certain) this, foster to adopt, is the plan we are supposed to follow.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I know there are risks.  I know a child may come into our home and leave.  I know my world will turn upside down if and when that happens.  I know it will all be okay.  I know we'll get to be parents.  BUT here's where my plan and God's plan are colliding.  For once I'd like something to be easy.  I'd like to receive a child and them not leave my home.  I'd like to just know that this is it.  I'd like money to just grown on a tree for a straight adoption and a birth mother to fall into our lap, I don't want to wait (anything longer than 9 months), I just want to be a mom.  For the most part my jealousy of my friends and their ability to have their own children does not get the best of me, but occasionally it's a struggle....and last night after the meeting was one of those struggles.  My grief rears it's head every once in awhile, not always, but sometimes and then I'm emotional and a mess!    In the midst of my ever flowing tears, Bryan is excited and anxious, looking forward to the child that will come into our home, no fear or sadness.  I share the excitement, but last night the fear and sadness was over-taking me.  Fear of more grief, fear of it being so damn hard, and just plain sad!  I fought tears all day today, thankfully I was subbing so that kept my mind off of it for the most part, but KLTY played every song I needed to hear on my way there this morning and while leaving this afternoon.  I haven't talked to anyone, besides Bryan (obviously) about this, because I just couldn't.  I don't like these emotions, I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel sad, and I sure as heck don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" on my birthday weekend.

Then in-swoops a crazy schedule for subbing and I was able to catch up on my Bible Study reading, and then I'm humbled and amazed by my Heavenly Father...when all I want to do is crawl into my Earthly Father's lap and cry...and him make everything better, even though I know he can't...but would if he could!...I digress....back to how the Lord swooped in...I was reading my last section of my He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer and the first page I read is talking about Samuel and how he had been gifted to be a prophet by God's calling, which meant "putting his feelings aside and accepting difficult tasks."  Okay, Lord, I'm listening.  Then there's the verse, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10. Still listening....Priscilla then goes into talking about how we are to serve our Maker, because he knows what will bring us fullfillment in life...and that "Genuine happiness comes from fulfilling God's purpose for us."  Okay, I get the picture, as I'm sure you do...but I still have more to read.  "When you submit to God's assignment, you find true peace and contentment."  I think our assignment is foster to adopt.  I think there is more growth He has for us as a couple and individually.  Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  So she then writes, "let's decide to willingly go along with God's plan instead of insisting on our own."  Last night I was a big bawling baby, wanting it to be my way, wanting it to be easy...but I've come accustomed to things not being easy.  Romans 12:1 then says, "I urge you, (sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."....so if I would stop comparing myself to my friends who could have their own kids and follow His plan, I'd be able to accomplish so much more!  OKAY LORD, I'M SERIOUSLY LISTENING!!!   Psalm 130:5 says "With all my heart, I am waiting, Lord for you!  I trust your promises"....I have to trust that if this is the path He wants us to walk, that I'll be okay, we'll be okay.  The right child will come into our lives and into our homes, maybe more than one before it's "the right" one to become ours!...Still hard, still emotional, still makes me cry, but I know it's what's right! 

Priscilla then goes into talking about sacrificial offerings and how His assignments don't come free of challenges, and they may be things we feel are more than we can handle, but if we place our offerings at the altar, he will help us through them.  I'm still afraid and I'm still sad, but I know that humbling myself/ourselves before our Lord is what we are supposed to do, even Samuel felt afraid.  "How would it change your attitude if you focused not on what you are giving up but on what you are gaining through obedience?"  WOW!  Yep, that's it, that's what I needed to "hear."   "Rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory."  We are to love a child, or two or three, and be that light of Heaven in their lives, for however long of a period of time.  "Trials and challenges are inevitable.  We must learn to expect them, submit to them, and learn from them.  However, rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory." I couldn't have said it better, He knows what He's doing, so we must follow His guidance and we will be fulfilled. 

"Are you willing to get up from the table of your own comfort and serve?...Jesus tells us to take off whatever hinders us from serving Him.  Maybe you need to take off your expectations of what you thought your life was going to be like so you can gladly serve..."  How did Priscilla know that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear? 

Bottom line....I know God is in control, and frankly, I need Him in control!  But, no, not but....Yet, I know I'm still human and I know the emotions of this experience are going to be up and down.  I know that if our feelings that foster to adopt are not the right path, he'll steer us somewhere else.  I'm letting go of the wheel (or at least trying my hardest). 

Friends and family...this isn't always easy to talk about, I don't want to cry all the time...please don't be hurt if I don't/can't/won't call and express this to you, it's not easy.  You can ask about it all you want, as you know, I'm an open book....I may not go as in depth as I can when I write or ask me about what I wrote!  Writing is just so much easier for me!  I can sit at my computer and cry, ugly tears, boohoo, with snot running down my face and I don't feel judged, weak, or any other negative emotion. 

Prayer request:  Please pray that God continues to guide us, that we are able to find the answers to our unanswered questions with foster to adopt, that we have a peace about filling out the preliminary paper work and moving forward, pray for the child that is to be ours, pray for a peace in our hearts and minds.

AND KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT!

Well, here I go....

For years I used to send out "update" emails to friends and family, it was a HUGE part of my healing after my break-in in May 2007, but as my mind, body, and soul healed I didn't feel the need to send "updates."  However, the Lord has been guiding me back to "updates," but this time in the form of a blog.  The other day I had two phone calls, one with my best friend, Brenna, where we were talking about the healing of one's mind/body/soul and how I healed through telling my story, over and over again about my break in, being open about my hysterectomy and the trials that were in between those two significant events in my life.  The second call was with my dear sister in law, Lori, who was expressing her excitement for our foster/adoption journey to begin and how she hoped that I would blog or in some way share all of our upcoming baby news so that others could share with us.  Of course she figured I would blog!  :)  So, here I go.

Since January 2008 when I had my hysterectomy, I knew adoption was the only way I would get to be a mom.  I went into my surgery planning to adopt, whether Mr. Right came along or not.  I had set in my head what kind of agency I wanted, etc. had even done the research and identified a few for future reference.  I planned on finishing my Master's in Education, becoming an administrator, and adopting.  Needless to say, that wasn't God's plan, I did finish my Master's 1 month before....He put Bryan in my life in June 2009, thanks to our good friends, Jeff and Melissa Norman, and he knew that adoption was how we would become parents, and was good with it (whew).  At that point, I had closed my mind to fostering a child...thinking, "I've had enough trials, for once I'd like something to be easy...easier," (Bryan on the other hand was open to any way shape or form of us becoming parents).  Knowing good and well, that adoption was NEVER going to be easy!  BUT...it was less risky in my head than fostering a child.  INSERT God's plan....over the past year, He just kept putting foster families into my path...Lisa D.'s blog was directed my way by a mutual high school friend...Jenn B. and I have been friends since middle school, and she knew we were starting to look into adoption, so she sent me an email telling me I needed to check out Lisa's blog, so I did...I spent nights reading it and crying.  Never before had someone else written my emotions...emotions that I hadn't heard anyone else speak.  Feelings of emptiness, feeling broken, thinking "why me?", wanting to feel a baby grown inside me, wanting the full mommy to be experience and feeling jipped, and so much more...it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!  OK LORD, I'M LISTENING!!!  Over the course of the next few months (late 2012 - early 2013) Bryan and I began to talk more about the option of fostering, each praying about it. 

In August I traveled to Uganda...and no, I did not bring a child home...although there were a few that I wouldn't have minded packing up and bringing home.  It was the most humbling and life changing experience, EVER!   I fell in love with so many kids, all of which are school age, once again...God's working on my heart...not sure where that lesson will lead, but for now we sponsor a child and pray for them daily!  I did meet an incredible new, long-distance friend, on the plane from Amsterdam to Uganda, who began a non-profit in Uganda and has adopted several Ugandan children...she began to inspire me, to open my heart to older children....INSERT...God's working on my heart, again!!!!  Check out my friend Heather's website, An Army of Six.

Back to the home front....this Thursday...EEeeeee....we go to our first meeting at Buckner in Dallas to learn more about our options for fostering/adopting.  We know we want an infant, we don't care what color...we are good with green with purple polka dots :), and we know we want our option to be as close to fostering to then adopting the child as possible.  "Our plan" of course!  Pray for us as we begin this journey, this week!  

Specific prayers...pray for doors to open or close, clarity, peace, and for our future child, wherever he/she may be!