A Faith that changes

I've been writing this blog in my head for weeks, probably months, and even more so now that I've got the actual time while recovering from my ACL repair.  Why have I been avoiding this, well, because it is an emotional journey to relive and pour these thoughts into typed words, and well, it's going to bring on some tears, a flood of them more than likely.  So, here it goes....

My faith journey began from the time I was born, my parents raised my brother and I in a loving Christian home, a home where there was peace, comfort, love, grace, and everything in between.  I watched my parents lead in our church, be involved in Bible Study Fellowship, lead studies in their homes for couples in our church and in our neighborhood, I too was involved in our church; from helping in the nursery, to the library my mom got started at the church, VBS, you name it and I helped with it.  Was baptized as a baby and made my public statement of faith in confirmation, as an 8th grader.  But there was something I just couldn't grasp...I was afraid to really disobey, I was afraid my salvation wasn't set in stone, I was afraid my sinning would "undo" my salvation...I knew Jesus was my savior and I knew what HE did to save me, but I still worried...I remember laying in bed at night worrying, I remember saying in my quiet nighttime prayers that He was my savior, over and over again, why?  I have no idea.  Through the college years and beyond my faith was always there, but there was no relationship, that seemed too hard and way too time consuming.  By that point I knew that my belief in my savior was enough, anything more just seemed like too much, I was too busy with college, work, partying, work, friends, dating, graduate work, work, friends, etc.   I had Christian friends, but something was missing.

Bryan and I got married in 2010, we knew we wanted to be involved in the church but we just weren't "all in" with the idea of waking up early on Sundays and making it happen.  But then marriage got really hard, things weren't "happily ever after" and we didn't know what to do...we found ourselves at Crosstimbers in Argyle, we knew we needed to make a change, so in January of 2011 we took the "membership class" and decided to jump in with all 4 feet, my 2 feet were a little ahead of Bryan's but he was willing.

In 2012, my best friend, Brenna and I were teaching together, and we gained a new team mate, Krista. Krista, joined Brenna and I on a Pinterest craft day to make anchor posters for our classroom.  At the time, we had only met her once, I wasn't so sure what I thought, she seemed nice enough, but there was something different about her...she was involved in her church, a part of the women's ministry, raising two precious kids, and she was just different...a different I really hadn't experienced at that point in my life...she just exuded the Holy Spirit, that first day when we spent time together poster making in my garage, she told me that she just knew she was supposed to be on our team, and she just knew that she would walk beside us and welcome a baby into our little family, she just knew that she would get to throw me the best baby shower ever.  I thought, man this chick is crazy, but whatever, I knew we were going to start the adoption process but marriage had gotten hard again...I just didn't know how it would ever be in our favor.  Over the course of that year, a very unpleasant and hard year in the classroom, a harder year in marriage, but the sweetest year when it came to friends.  Krista and I shared our dream of schooling for our children, her current children and my prayed for child...it wasn't public school, and neither of us knew what or how, but we knew we weren't meant to be in the public school arena, but this was a season.

Over the course of the next two years Krista spoke so much peace into my life, small truths that probably didn't mean much at the time, but over the coming years would mean the world.  I began to be able to pray in a way that I hadn't prayed before.  I watched her through her faith peaks and valleys that year.

Krista continued to be a large influence in my faith walk, as she prayed along side me/us as we began the adoption process, along side us as we prayed for Cooper and his safe arrival, and she prayed when we couldn't during our separation from Cooper...but what really got me, was the way the Lord clearly showed her and her daughter Abby that Cooper would be ours, and how He showed other ladies that were praying along side her for us in the months before and after his arrival.  They showed up on our doorstep one Friday during our separation, and during that prayer, I experienced something I hadn't ever experienced before, a peace that was unexplainable.  Up until that point in my faith and the faith we shred as a couple, I/we really hadn't ever seen that, my faith had already been shifting, but a shift began for Bryan as well.

I had seen my parents make faith decisions, some that were hard, and I guess I never really thought twice about those, as they were my parents.  But at that point, I began to get it, she began something in my faith walk, but then she moved.  The devastating news of their leaving and moving to Arkansas ripped my heart out, we were in different phases of our lives, but she and I were bound in our faith in a way that I hadn't been bound before, and it broke my heart to know she wouldn't be 15 minutes away anymore, instead she was 5 hours away.  I hadn't cried that many tears over a friend in years, I felt like the teenager who moved from Beaumont to Dallas, leaving my friends behind, it was a hurt that I hadn't felt in a long time...and a hurt that someone else caused, because in the past I had always been the "leaver."

Her moving stirred my desire to be plugged into the mommy world even more, as up until that point I didn't have any friends that were raising a toddler in close proximity.  I was an "older" mom, my friends' kids were in elementary school, and I didn't want to do this crazy toddler time without other moms.  I began seeking out friends that would walk this path beside me, and do these crazy years together.  So, I jumped into leadership at our church in the women's ministry.  The Lord answered my prayer in many ways, he brought many amazing ladies into my life that began to walk beside me/us as we did this thing called "mommihood."  The same month Krista and her family moved, I met a new friend, by happenstance because Bryan went to service their AC.  He didn't know who they were, but when he came home and showed me the check that they paid him with, I said, " you realize that's the new teaching pastor at church?"  We got a good laugh out of it, and then began this walk alongside Laura and Nick Person and their tribe...we began to rely on their parenting tactics, as they had two in school and then Cooper's BFF, Nash.  Our weekly play dates grew a bond between two little boys that I had only dreamed would happen, I didn't want it to be a forced friendship for the little boys because the mamas were friends, and it wasn't, it was this connection that they had that was undeniable.  And then our families lives began to intertwine, and the impact they began to have on our lives became irreversible.  Healing began in my life, from our marriage, to hurts of our heart, other relationships, and so much more.  The connection that we have with them, and the way we walked our faith beside them, lifting each other up when needed and celebrating together, crying together and getting through tough stuff together, was different than we had ever experienced before.  I knew my faith was shifting even more, and Bryan's was too.  These were level 10 friends! (A level 10 friend is one who knows the ugly and dirty side of you, but loves you regardless.)

The faith they walked, and shared with us, was undeniably ordained by our Heavenly Father.  Bryan will be the first to say, he wasn't looking for new friends, I was...but I wasn't looking for what I got...I was challenged in ways I didn't think I'd be challenged since Krista left, I began jumping in to more ministries at church...we left the comfort of the Argyle campus and decided to walk alongside our friends as a new campus was being launched in Lake Cities, because we just felt like that was where God was placing us...it was hard to leave what we had known for so many years, the faces we saw weekly, the level of kids programming that was available.  Bryan was even more reluctant, but found himself being called to be apart of early morning crew to haul trailers as we are a take down/set up church, meeting in a school gym.

Our faith lives have changed so drastically over the course of the past 5 years, and even more so the past 2 years.  As I began to find myself still having fun, but staying steeped in the word, I wonder what I missed out on all those years that my faith was on the back burner, too afraid I'd miss out on "fun" and not concerned enough about what was best for my heart...I don't regret my decisions, because I know they made me into who I am now and brought me to where I am now, but I do know that if I could do it again, I'd do things a little differently.  Maybe there would have been less pain, but maybe there wouldn't have.  What I do know is that yes things are hard, and marriage will always be work, but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior loves me and when the day comes for me to meet Jesus face to face, my salvation is set, there is no worrying or doubting that fact any longer.

And then there was the phone call, one Saturday afternoon from Laura...the dreaded news that I knew would happen one day, I just didn't expect it to be that day...they felt the Lord calling them to be closer to their families in Atlanta, and they were more than just entertaining a move.  Insert pure devastation, how could the Lord bring them to us, bring us to this place in our friendship, and then take them away?  How would I or could I survive with out her?  We spend 5 days a week with them, we do each other's grocery shopping and errands, we babysit each other's kids, we go on double dates, we worship together every single Sunday, I have a best friend, Bryan has a best friend, Cooper has a best friend, and Cooper has two older siblings in Ava and Jax.

Then the Lord starting stirring something in my heart again...my life had changed so much and our best friends were getting ready to move, and it was necessary, a must, that Nick baptize me before he left. I couldn't imagine any other pastor baptizing me.  I had struggled with this for a while, was it betraying my Confirmation as an 8th grader?  No!  Was it going to look weird that I had been leading Bible studies for several years?  No!  But I just couldn't get the words out, i couldn't share them with anyone.  I just couldn't speak these things.  So, one day as Laura and I sat at Pei Wei, child-free, I couldn't help but cry, all of this sat on my heart, but I just couldn't spit it out.   So, I kept praying.  A few days later we headed out to Broken Bow on a framily vacation.  Laura and I drove with the gaggle of kids, while Nick and Bryan would come after church tear down.  Through many tears I got a short version of this out, and told her that I had been thinking about being baptized and I thought I wanted Nick to do it while we were at the lake.  Insert more tears.  The next morning as we sat around the breakfast table, I spit out a few words about my faith and the journey I started on with Krista and then the impact that Nick and Laura's relationship had on me and our family, and that I wanted Nick to baptize me.

So...while out on the boat one evening, Nick performed his first "floating" baptism.  So many tears had been shed, that it was just a cool moment, well and then he knocked the gimp (Pre-ACL surgery) off of her noodle.  :)  Many of you are wondering...."why hasn't she told us"...well, it wasn't something I wanted to make a big deal of, and here it is.  Here is the why, here is the how...and here we are heartbroken over the upcoming move of our friends, friends that we couldn't imagine walking beside through this thing called life, but friends we are ever thankful walked this season beside us in Denton, Texas.

Why do I write this big huge blog?  I want you to know that the importance of friends is vital!  The value of a friendship that is steeped in faith is life changing.  Just when we thought we didn't need more friends, new ones were thrown into our laps and changed the trajectory of our family, faith, and friendships to come.

I am thankful for the level 10 friends that have been along side me for years...from college roommate Brit, Krista, to my adoptive mamma bestie Shelby, Natalie/Mimi and for friends yet to come.  And for our couple level 10 friends that have walked beside us for years, The Newmans.  I'm amazed at how each of these deep relationships have special parts in our lives, feed us in different ways, and meet needs when we didn't know needed to be met.

I pray you too have level 10 friends.  Friends that have seen your dirty laundry and love you regardless.  

got hope?

This blog has whirled around and around in my head for quite some time...and I'm finally able to sit down and write, not because my to do list is done...I'm actually procrastinating finishing up our taxes...but because today, while Cooper was napping, I watched "Mom's Night Out"and realized I have even more to say now!  (Sidebar...if you are a mommy, YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE...it was just what I needed today, in this temporary season of illness in our home!)

For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy.  I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth.  I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything.  I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full.  It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits!  I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep.   I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles!  I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.

For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS!  I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly.  I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get.  Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done.  I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be.  A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait.  We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.

Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.

During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope.  Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.

Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.

Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined.  In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US!  Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope.  Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable.  We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new.  If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis.  Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire.  Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives.   Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.

Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac.  We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy.  The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!

Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.

I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength.  If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/  All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!

All my love,
Jessica

What's your legacy?

I LOVE Christmas, but my heart has been unsettled about the excess in our lives!  I struggle, as many of you do, wanting to have "everything," the best of the best, etc. but when our focus shifts from us, to the reason for the season, the birth of Christ, I begin to feel guilty of my "I wants," which sometimes I like to phrase as, " I need!" Bryan is always reminding me that is a "WANT" not a "NEED," psh, whatever...I need it because.... I am MAJORLY guilty of it, just like I'm guilty of wanting my way!  But here's what I REALLY need and want... I need to be an ambassador for Christ, I want others to see Him through me and my actions!

So, over the past few months my two sister in laws, a friend from teaching, and myself have been studying Priscilla Shirer's He Speaks to Me: Preparing to Hear from God and in my last post I quoted much of the book that goes along with the study.  Today I finished up our week 6 study...yep, did all 5 days this afternoon...not exactly how Priscilla *or God* would have liked me to do it, but none-the-less, I did it all today..note we were going to have our final Bible Study tonight, but it's tomorrow night...so now I'm a day ahead!  Woo hooo!  I've learned so much from this study, and I'm so glad we got to study it together! 

God is calling us to be ambassadors for Him...and a few reminders she gives are....My life means more than the temporary.  * I live at this point in history for a reason. * My existence is no mistake. * I'm here for a purpose, to fulfill my God-given role!    Hmmm...my God-given role.....wife, teacher, educator, friend, craft addict, mother, runner, sleeper, cook, baker...the list goes on and on.  He created us for something GREAT, he invites us to join HIM, but that requires....submission....YIKES!  God gives us assignments that aren't easy, they are given to us to make us stronger, they require more commitment out of us, and all in all HIS plans just might be more challenging and difficult than the ones we'd have for ourselves!  Yep, living proof of that one!  If I had, had my way with finding a husband...well, let's just say it probably wouldn't have lasted, and he definitely wouldn't have been my Bryan!  How he loves me through some of my "difficult" moments, I'm not quite sure, but he does!   I'm learning that he sometimes handles the challenges God gives us a little better than I do, even though I know he doesn't give us challenges to destroy us, in all actuality they are there to make us stronger.

Speaking of stronger....I've loved to run for years!  Almost 11 years ago, I was walking with my friend Liz, we decided to walk the loop at White Rock Lake, and some how I had told her that I wanted to run a marathon...that night we went to dinner at one of her friend's houses, and some how I learned about Team in Training....a week or so later, there I was, in full swing of training for my first full marathon...yep, 26.2 miles, what in the heck was I thinking???  Fast forward...I ran 3 full marathons and 4 half marathons from 2003-2009, then I met Bryan...teaching full time and a boyfriend/fiancee/husband was my priority!  But some how, through a little faith, my endurance returned, but not without a lot of dedication, not kicking my heels up and sitting around, but strapping on those tennis shoes and hitting the pavement.  Over the years my body bucked the system and prevented me from running, but my ability to have endurance returned.  And here I am, 4 days away from a half marathon, my first since April 2009, and my darn hip flexor is about to pop off my body....whew, it's painful, but what does that mean?  Will I be able to run on Sunday?  Will I be able to maintain my record time for a half?  Here's what I know...I can't let worry, negative feelings, or anything else prevent me from accomplishing this goal again.  What do I do for the next 4 days?  Ice, see my fabulous Chiropractor for e-stem treatments, roll on my rolly-tube thing that I can never remember it's "official" name, use a TON of Biofreeze, ice some more, and rest!  REST!  I hate REST!  I want to run!  I set monthly running goals, last month 76 miles, this month I was aiming for 80!  Okay, it's not what's important!  My focus is shifting...it's December, be thankful that I've been able to gain my endurance back, that was a gift from Him!  I have to keep my focus!  He's created me to do amazing things, what lessons can I take from this?  I can't play the "what if" game!  Oh goodness, I got side-tracked....so many things to share...I LOVE being able to complete a study, read something, listen to a sermon and take away so much!

As we live this life...enter the season of Christmas...celebrate Advent...celebrate in our homes, with our families, enjoy Christmas lights, snow days...where is your focus?  Is it on our real home?  Heaven!  When things have you down, they aren't going your way...remember, your way isn't the way...we are just passing through this life.  My cousin Jason Steger, wrote a song called "A Place I Call Home" and as he sang it at our Papa's funeral, it meant even more...we aren't at home, our home is when we leave this world...but then what legacy have we left?  Have we lived a life of delight?  Delight in what the Lord has given us, not what we look forward to having?  Do we obey his commands?  Do we obey other authority in our life?  What do we show others when we "buck" the system and don't follow the authority of those over us?  Does that just mean submitting to those we respect?  What if we don't agree with what our authority has called us to do?  What then?  Well, here's what I know...God's authority will only bring us to our next home, the way we respond to things will leave the legacy of our lives on this earth.  What does that look like for you?  What legacy are you leaving?  What hurts do you leave behind?  Do you live through your pain in a negative way or are you celebrating and rejoicing through your pain?  We have to be willing to follow HIS will and not interfere with HIS plan, but submit to HIS plan...whether we like it, whether it's easy, whether it's comfortable, period...we must submit to HIS will, HIS guidance!  This home is great, I love it, I love what I have here...do I long for things...yes, I want to be a mother, I want to feel loved, I want to know that I'm desired, I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to be a mother (just making sure you remember that *wink), but most of all, I want to leave a legacy...a legacy that represents Christ, a legacy that shows others that He is who gives me strength, that this home is just temporary, but darn it, I'm going to be the best me I can be through his strength...through the trials of becoming parents to the success of Sunday's half marathon, He will get me through!