got hope?

This blog has whirled around and around in my head for quite some time...and I'm finally able to sit down and write, not because my to do list is done...I'm actually procrastinating finishing up our taxes...but because today, while Cooper was napping, I watched "Mom's Night Out"and realized I have even more to say now!  (Sidebar...if you are a mommy, YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE...it was just what I needed today, in this temporary season of illness in our home!)

For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy.  I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth.  I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything.  I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full.  It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits!  I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep.   I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles!  I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.

For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS!  I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly.  I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get.  Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done.  I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be.  A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait.  We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.

Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.

During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope.  Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.

Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.

Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined.  In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US!  Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope.  Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable.  We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new.  If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis.  Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire.  Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives.   Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.

Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac.  We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy.  The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!

Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.

I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength.  If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/  All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!

All my love,
Jessica

2014 National Adoption Month Instagram Posts

November is National Adoption month! How has adoption impacted me? 18 years ago I was told I'd probably never have my own children...a tough pill to swallow at 18, that "came true" January 2008 and if it weren't for adoption I wouldn't have this little guy to love! The road was full of bumps, bruises, tears and healing...and I'd do it all over again! Thanks@mixed__beautifully for this challenge! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #thereisanothertagbuticantrememberit #knittogethersomethingorother

Day two of #knittogetherbyadoption -step one - our step one initially was walking towards foster care, feeling that was where The Lord was leading us. We attended our first meeting a year ago this month but it took us until January to pick the agency we would use...we picked our agency, registered for our classes...and then it all changed! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #blessedbyadoption #openadoption

Day 3 - Education - #knittogetherbyadoption - there is no better education than learning your child's needs and cues, no class can prepare you for how your child will develop. Learn together! Grow together! Use your community resources to aid in your learning. Lean on your support system. Be open to change. Know things don't go the way you want but the way our Heavenly Father plans them. Pray a lot! Love your added blessing! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #openadoption

Day 4 - family photo - #knittogetherbyadoption - no tribe just the 3 of us and the dog. I would love more, some day if the door opens again (my dream is an orphan Ugandan), but for now we are beyond thankful for our baby Cooper, our super trooper! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #blessedbyadoption

Day 5 - anticipation - #knittogetherbyadoption - I LOVE Christmas, our little 1200sq ft house explodes at Christmas.....last Christmas we said...this 'could' be our last Christmas just the two of us...we had no idea about the call we would get in February...meeting birth mom for the sono...finding out baby was a boy...hearing his heartbeat...seeing him on the screen...having a peace knowing that baby would be ours....unsure of what our open adoption would look like...a little scared but more excited! As the weeks pressed on my anticipation turned into concern for our birth mom's complications, I knew our little guy would be okay, but would his tummy mummy be ok? Planning his perfect room, sorting through names, reassuring friends and family that it was okay for us to get ready for him...he would be ours...our original due date of July 17 was bumped to June, then May 22 to keep mom and baby safe...waiting in the waiting room to hear that they were both ok....all those feelings were happy anticipation, not filled with worry...Bryan worried, I didn't...I had a peace that could only come from above, my faith had grown so much over the past year....he arrived and then my fear hit and Bryan's peace set in....little did we know the road of sheer joy and then devastation we would encounter in the coming weeks! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #cooperkenneth #nationaladoptionmonth

Day 6 - Prayer- #knittogetherbyadoption - this precious picture was taken at Cooper' dedication...my two nephews were tucked down in Cooper's car seat while we got dinner ready, I snuck around to get a picture and realized Knox was praying with Nolan and Cooper. *tears* that's just a small snippet of how prayer has played a roll in our miracle baby - but the most memorable prayers took place without any of us present - 4 Godly ladies that I used to teach with would gather and pray every day after school from the time Cooper was born - The Lord clearly speaking to each of them the afternoon we lost our custody of Cooper, mid prayer The Lord changed their prayer from comforting us to guiding us as we don't just let go, that he Lord promised Cooper to us and He be ours, all in God's timing. We were home from NICU for 3 weeks before they came to pray over us and share this with us. One week later, a new attorney & birth mom's help that prayer was answered and we had our little guy back!! - there was a lot of emotion as we gained our access back to NICU - another prayer answered was that his angel nurse, Jenn, who was with him and us the night he was born had stayed with him the 4 weeks we were gone, loving him a little extra, telling him about us...even though she had no idea if or when we'd be back! Our sweet Jenn was with us our last night and many many tears were shed as her shift ended but that didn't end the friendship and the connection we have with her! The night after we left was her last shift and she moved north! *tears* Cooper's onesie at dedication says "I am an answer to prayers" some day he will understand the magnitude of that outfit for his dedication! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #coopersdedication #cousinsarethebest #answertoprayer

Day 7 - documentation - #knittogetherbyadoption - todays's topic is fitting since I'm at a craft retreat working on scrapbooks...I've been a life journaler (aka scrapbook FANATIC) for 14 years....and even more so for our sweet boy! I journal often and chronicle everything in his scrapbooks...yes, books plural! Cooper knowing his story when the time is right is so important! I began "adoption" journaling through my blog...writing is healing, writing is therapy, I can't wait to see how the ret of our story goes! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #scrapbookaddict #stampinup #stampinupdemonstrator

Day 8 - speaking out - #knittogetherbyadoption - my life, my struggles, my journey have been an open book..how else can we show others the miracles of our savior? I've learned so much about myself when I openly share. My story has helped others. Sharing my view point, my struggle with deciding to go ahead with my hysterectomy before my Prince Charming arrived wasn't the most popular idea among many of my friends and family but they didn't live in the constant pain I had lived in for 13 years....and now with adoption, my heart with hating with others is even greater! And now with this adoption community I'm so blessed to read about others journey through open adoption and how strongly we feel (despite what others around us think) about Cooper being a huge part of his biological family's life...we wouldn't have him if it weren't for them. Am I fearful about it? No! Do I worry about hurting him? No, because I know that we won't put him in situations where the hurt will be intentional. Will he always understand how loved he was? Yes! He will know how we fought for him, along side his biological family because they wanted him to be with us. Will it e easy, nope...nothing in my life has been "easy"....my best friend was praying for us at the beginning of this process and she told me her selfish prayer was for our process to be "easy".... It wasn't easy, but it was exactly what God wanted it to be. A test of our faith and His demonstration of faithfulness to us, His children! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #openadoption

Day 9 - Happy World Adoption Day - #knittogetherbyadoption - there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for this little man! He is the biggest blessing! The most loved little guy! His Godstory has already affected many, he will continue to do so! Amazing Grace! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #worldadoptionday

Day 10 - birth - #knittogetherbyadoption - this is a sweet picture of Cooper's birth mama with him in NICU a day after he was born. She shared her time with him with us those first few days. The joy and pain in brought to all of us was life changing, but we wouldn't trade it for anything. The love his has for him is extraordinarily special. We were lucky to have been there along side her. It may not have gone as we had hoped at the 48 hour mark, but how does one expect it to be easy for a birth mom to "walk away?" We shouldn't expect it to. As I was hurt that it didn't go as we hoped, she was hurting more....from the very beginning we said we wanted what was best for her, because her long term well being is just as important as Cooper's well being. She named him a name that was special and we will always honor that, he will know that the love she has for him is huge, the sacrifice she made is the biggest and hardest gift anyone will ever give us! We ❤️our tummy mummy very much! #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks

Day 11 - remember - #knittogetherbyadoption - I have thought and thought about this one.....we need to remember who to give the glory to for this bundle....we remember life before we had him and it just doesn't begin to compare....I want to remember every change, all his growth, so some day I can share it with his tummy mummy. I email her every few weeks pictures, knowing she may or may not look at it now, but she will when she's ready. I scrapbook (digitally thankfully) every thing I can, I write down the mile stones and our feelings....he may not remember but he will know how loved he is! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #openadoption #blessedbyadoption

Day 12 & 13 - #knittogetherbyadoption - describe it & caseworker lumped in to one - when we knew the little guy was to be ours we thought the process would be easy...found a "great" attorney, learned how different an independent adoption is without an agency....what we didn't expect was for our first attorney to tuck his tail when things got complicated. Even the social worker wasn't standing her ground To help us. We were lied to by our attorney and taken advantage of...and all we could do was pray that the right people were taking care if him in NICU and that he would not be released until the mess was sorted out. The longest, toughest month of our life....after being told to "just wait it out, wait for _____ or _______" to happen and then we will take action. Screw that! Do your job and fight for us...you won't...okay fine, you are fired and we will find someone who will help us. A long road to the RIGHT attorney and the right social worker...but they gave us the info we needed, the info birth mom and her sis needed to take action to help us get our little guy back...a week later we had seen a judge, moms rights terminated and we were guardians...still waiting on paternity registry, attorney ready to go to battle against "paternity" but The Lord of course had his hand in it all....no battle necessary, our battle had been fought and won! Praise The Lord! Cooper will always know how we fought with his tummy mummy to get him back! The love we have for her is so immense! The strength we now have was worth the struggle, and he is worth it! #openadoption #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks

Day 14- choosing your battles - #knittogetherbyadoption - whatever the battle may be...you do what's in the best interest of the child! Hence why we didn't give up fighting for what was best for this smiley little guy! Battles aren't easy but the children are worth every second! #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption

Day 15 - #knittogetherbyadoption - education - having been a teacher for ten years, many kiddos asked me why I was never pregnant, why I didn't have a baby....as time went by it got easier to say that years ago my insides were "sick" and I can't have a baby but that we would adopt a baby one day....being open in that way to my students is the reason we have Cooper! I taught Cooper's biological cousin in 3rd grade, I went from Mrs. Cozens to Aunt Jess! --- being open with my students was always important to me, of course I never went in to detail, but my hysterectomy was ever a secret, never taboo, the parents of my students asked...if they asked about my career goals it was an open conversation that we would adopt and it was important to us for me to be home, but that I would work from home. -- when it came to explaining to our nieces when we learned about Cooper we used the book "The Tummy Mummy" a great folk tale type story, showing the love on both sides. As our nephews grow up along side Cooper talk of adoption will always be open! -- when Cooper is of school age, I'm not sure what that will look like, preferably not a traditional school, but only The Lord knows that answer, whatever it may be, the dialogue will be open and there will be lots of love spoken in regards to adoption and his birth family. Plus we are lucky to be close to his bio aunt/uncle/cousins! #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth

Day 16 - #knittogetherbyadoption - quote - as we started the adoption process this scripture was in a study I was doing by @priscillashirer and it spoke to me over and over again. Now I'm waiting on my tattoo artist to create it for my tattoo to represent this journey in our lives. #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth

World Premature Day and Day 17 - if you really knew me - #knittogetherbyadoption - here was our little guy the day he graduated from NICU! His first 5 weeks there was his angels keeping him there until we could officially be his mom and dad! - if you really knew me....that's hard because I'm an open book....I didn't know that our time (the first 5 days and his last 7 days of his 6 week stay) in NICU would be a breeze. The beeping, cords, blood work, doctors, nurses did not phase me.... If you really knew me you would know how hard it was for me to let go and not worry! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #nicugraduate #worldprematureday #blessedbyadoption

I didn't know it was Preemie Day until a little bit ago! I wore purple today without planning it! Hard to believe this sleeping babe was born at 32 weeks and will be 6 months on Saturday! #sweetbaby #cooperkenneth #nicubaby #nicugraduate #slowdown #blessedbyadoption

It's finally here!!!! Day 19 - rights - day 20 - men - #knittogetherbyadoption - first of all serious happy tears over the arrival of Coop's birth certificate. Adoption rights...for many many years I prepared myself for the process of adoption...it's hard to think that as long as your uterus works you can have a baby....but if your uterus doesn't work you get to have your life invaded to see if you are "fit" to be a parent & raise a child. Now I get that it's a woman's right to have a child, and I get that what adoptive families go through is keeping kids safe, but still! What if every OB/GYN and pregnancy center made every expectant family go through what we go through? Would our foster care programs change because CPS would be involved sooner? You may say that invades the rights of the pregnant woman... But what would it really do to protect the kids?? The topic of men then falls into place...we "lost" Cooper for 4 weeks due to a "bio-dad" wanting to claim he wanted Cooper, when in all reality he just wanted to use him as his pawn....but the hospital took our rights away because this man came forward claiming to be dad....in those 4 weeks the hospital had reported him ("dad") to CPS....but yet Cooper was scheduled to leave the hospital with this "dad"...who never changed his diaper, fed him, never spent more than 10 minutes at a time with him and didn't hold him... Then when he was removed from the hospital for family violence and his name was legally removed from the claim of paternity (a birth mom's right to do) he called the nurse and said he was leaving! And you "wanted" your child? He did nothing to earn the right to be a dad! Being a dad is so much more than donating your sperm! We thank God every day for his birth mom and her fight to do what was in the best interest of her and her child! #openadoption #cooperkenneth #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption

Day 20 - unique - #knittogetherbyadoption - today is unique in our family as it's Cooper's Mama Maria's birthday! Right now our only communication is via email....as she heals her heart. I wish I could call her, send her flowers and spoil her for the gift she gave us is far more than I can ever begin to repay! We pray that she is reading our emails and feels how much we love her! All of this is what makes adoption unique...our situation is different than my dear friend Shelby's adoption @theshelbsmg, our adoption is unique compared to what we thought it would be! Each of our adoptions are special and hold/will hold it's own challenges, but that's what makes adoption so beautiful!!! #cooperkenneth #openadoption #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #weloveourtummymummysomuch #blessedbyadoption

Day 21 -screen time & day 22- DNA- #knittogetherbyadoption This little nugget of entertainment is 6 months old today! If only we knew what what adventure was to come and still yet to come! - in regards to screen time I guess I would say my favorite is The Blind Side...a true testament that to be family you don't have to match, you don't have to share blood, and you don't have to come to be a part of the family as a baby. DNA is just a part of us, it does not define us and is not our single make up of who we are! Our definition is formed in Christ, this little fella of personality has an incredible God-story and we can't wait to see what He has in store for our sweet Super Cooper Trooper! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #cooperkenneth #somuchattitudeandheisonly6months

Day 23 - then & now - #knittogetherbyadoption - Cooper was 5 weeks old when we finally had our court order of legal guardianship, we were 1 week away from getting out of NICU. And now 6 months old! Hard to believe how fast time has flown! #slowdown #sleepyboy #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #cooperkenneth #lovehisCHEEKS

Day 24 - adoption outfit(s) of the day- #knittogetherbyadoption - Cooper needed special outfits for Adoption Day and Baby Dedication so I had these made for those occasions! Do you see the typo? It sat on the back of our couch for days while we admired it and NEVER noticed, a friend ended up pointing it out. Typo or no typo we LOVE them! The one outfit I regret not getting a specific picture of was the "mommy" onesie his nurse Jen put him in the day we gained our access back in to NICU. 😞 oh well, we have the memory! #nicugraduate #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #adoptionoutfits

Day 25 - strange things people say & day 26 - finalization day - #knittogetherbyadoption - for me the strange things people say has been minimal...mostly it's in regards to our open adoption...something we wanted from the get go....we NEEDED to know they would be around, we let go of that worry a long time ago, to do what would be best for Cooper.....but some say....aren't you afraid his bio family will come take him from you? Or "you leave him at their house and leave?" Well, yes, yes we do! They fought along side us for us to be together! So no, I'm not worried they will take him...they can't, he's ours! And yes, they babysit, he's their family too! They are our family too! --- our finalization day was just 2 months ago and was so special...and yes, his bio- aunt was there, standing by us as it became official. We were blessed to be surrounded by those that love us in the courtroom! #openadoption #adoptionrocks #adoptionlove #cooperkenneth

Day 27 - validation - #knittogetherbyadoption - Happy Thanksgiving - this dear dear friend@britbritster was the first friend phone call I made after we got the call about Cooper! I needed someone to cry with me...and someone to pray...and someone to tell me it was okay to be hopeful that this was to be our baby!! My Pretty Brity has had an incredible impact on my faith walk, so today, she is my validation for a huge part of our walk! Being able to spend time together at the Turkey Trot 5K was super special! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #cooperkenneth #firstturkeytrot #blessedbyadoption #loveher

Day 28 - World Wide Web - #knittogetherbyadoption - in 2012 my dear friend Jenn @robifer10 told me I needed to check out Lisa's @lisadodson79 blog about adoption. I knew who Lisa was from my two years of high school in Beaumont but didn't really know her...so I felt a little creepy reading her entire blog. I spent many nights crying as I read all the way back to the start..... I was reading the thoughts and feelings that I felt and could not vocalize easily. After I finished I sent her a message...after awhile we connected....they moved to the Dallas area and now we have this incredible friendship! Chase and Lisa shared with us their walk and emotions, which was great to hear! We are super blessed to have them in our lives!!! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #foreverfriends #blessedbyadoption

Day 29 - closure - #knittogetherbyadoption - I've read so many other's posts, connected with so many other open adoption families, it warms my heart to read about their journeys....with open adoption there isn't necessarily closure. There was closure to hurt feelings and what we thought was betrayal, but that was pure forgiveness...forget and move on. If that's closure...then so be it. We had closure to our long wait to become parents. We were lucky to avoid dealing with an agency. We had closure as we fired our first attorney, who happily took our money for not doing his job....and we very gladly moved on to our amazing attorney to helped us get closure to our separation from Cooper in NICU. I do look forward to a little bit of "closure" on only getting 3-4 hours if sleep at a time at night. And "closure" to not taking naps during the day would've fabulous! 😋 #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #openadoption #cooperkenneth #6monthpictures

Day 30- next step - #knittogetherbyadoption - our next steps....raise a Godly son who is kind to others and loves The Lord and feels loved by all of his family! Beyond that, only the man upstairs has the insight into that! I used to say a sticky note beside my bed would be great, but nah! I'm good with Him revealing himself when He feels fitting! #adoptionlove #adoptionrocks #blessedbyadoption #theendofnationaladoptionmonth #nationaladoptionmonth #cooperkenneth

Coming Home

The past week has been an incredible journey, and today as I was driving to Lewisville to buy a new garage door opener, the Newsboys song "We Believe" came on the radio..."in this broken generation, in all this dark YOU help us see, there is only one salvation, we believe, we believe, we believe in God the Father, we believe in Jesus Christ, we believe in the Holy Spirit, and he's given us new life...we believe in the crucifixion, we believe he conquered death, we believe in the resurrection, and he's coming back again, we believe...let our faith be more than anthems, greater than the songs we sing, and in our weakness and temptations, we believe...."

And this is what we've done...we've believed!  Through the hurt, the ups and downs, and heartache we've stood firm in HIS promise to us that Cooper Kenneth is OURS!  He is to be a Cozens! 

On Monday, I obtained the documentation that legally took the "dad" off of the birth certificate, hired the new attorney, and planned a trip to Austin for Tuesday to take the new relinquishment paperwork to the birth mom.  Tuesday my friend and I drove to Austin to get state sealed paperwork removing the "dad" and to meet with the birth mom to do a new relinquishment.  I didn't know how it would go, I didn't know how the birth mom would feel, I knew she wanted us to have him but I wasn't sure how seeing me would go...and I was blown away!  Her state of mind, her determination to make sure he is safe and with us...we had AMAZING conversations, her apologies overflowed, her thanking us for giving Cooper a loving home and for giving her a new start with her life.  Her strength is incredible.  We still battle the hospital, as they refuse to honor the legal paperwork taking "dad" off, however he was escorted out of the hospital last Sunday and has told the hospital he's gone.  So, we play their games.

I did get to spend about 45 minutes with Cooper on Tuesday.  I cried a lot and just rocked him. 

He's doing very well.  He's eating like a champ!  He has had a few "episodes" with his breathing while he's eating and his heart rate dropping when he eats, and these keep extending his time in NICU, delaying his release.  BUT that's okay, we want him to be ready to eat and breath correctly at home.  His tentative release is Wednesday, June 25th...this Sunday, the 22nd, he is 1 month old...so he'll be possibly released at what would have only been 36 weeks gestational.  He's a fighter!  The night before he is released a "sleep in" occurs with the one he is being released to...so right now that's birth mom...she'll spend the night in a family room at NICU, and then be released, we will be her ride to be picked up, and then we'll head straight home with Cooper.  Us doing the sleep in will depend on court...I'll get into that more later.

Wednesday the attorney had the new relinquishment in his hands, filed with the court, and we go to court Tuesday at 8am to terminate mom's rights.  Monday the attorney files with the "paternity registry" to find out if the "dad" "staked his claim" on Cooper in the way that he was supposed to, if he did not, then we hope to have his rights terminated at the same time on Tuesday.

If he did stake his claim, Cooper is still ours, we file a lawsuit against him, he's served with papers saying that if he wants to gain custody he must fight us...reply within 20 days, hire an attorney, appear in court in Dallas, and prove himself capable of taking care of Cooper.  And well...let's just say this character has had some violence issues recently....our attorney says no big deal, Cooper will be ours, but if we need to view it like fostering him to keep him safe until he's ours...then view it that way, since we were going to go the foster route before he came along.  So...regardless of the answer from paternity registry, Cooper comes to Dallas!

Here are our VERY specific prayers for this weekend and first of the week: pray that Cooper has NO MORE episodes and is released on Wednesday, pray that Cooper is safe and is taken care of appropriately so that he is successful with his feedings, pray that the hospital treats birth mom with respect, pray that the paternity registry shows us favor and is able to give our attorney an answer on Monday if "dad" has registered or not, pray that court goes smoothly on Tuesday, pray for favor from the judge, and continue to pray for our peace and for birth mom.

IF "dad" is able to be terminated in court on Tuesday, then we will head straight to Austin to give the hospital our paperwork granting us full custody and terminating the parents, so that we are able to do the "sleep in" with him on Tuesday night.  If he can't be terminated because of the registry, we go with our plan of picking up birth mom from the hospital and then heading home.

As a precaution of not being able to do the sleep in, we are meeting with our pediatrician today to go over preemie care...as they have to be handled a little bit differently than a full term baby.

Thank you for continuing to ride this journey with us!  We can't wait to share photos of him AT HOME!  We love you all!

Jess, Bryan, PB and soon to be Cooper Cozens

sometimes things suck

You know that inspirational saying about walking in the sand, and there are two sets of prints and then there are only one...well, that's where we are....there's only one set of prints and we aren't sure how we've gotten to where we are, other than the Lord watching over us and carrying us through this muddled up situation.

To say the past week has been peachy keen would be just a damn lie.  To say Father's Day is happy is another damn lie.  Bryan should be celebrating his first Daddy day, but we aren't.  We boycotted our anniversary on Thursday and have just been sad. 

A short recap...last Friday our attorney told us we were going to need co-counsel to fight the hospital, Monday rolled around, no word on co-counsel, Tuesday we are told the co-counsel doesn't have time but here's the name of another "bull-dog" attorney who can help.  I call them, only to find out my attorney did not...to be told we don't have a case and there's nothing that can be done...I'm not okay with that answer and I want an attorney to speak with us face to face...so I press on and call, pleading my case to other known attorneys, all of whom don't even have the decency to call me back.  Thankfully, our new friends from church, have a great Christian adoption attorney who gets on the phone with me, is willing to meet us after hours, but ends up just seeing us Thursday morning.  He's amazing...we love him...he's frank, he's honest, and he listens without interrupting us.  Unfortunately, that day we finally had a copy of some paperwork from the hospital, only to find out that if our attorney had requested it on May 27th, like we had asked, we would not be sitting in his office, on our 4th anniversary finding out that there really is nothing we can do....despite the corruption and unethical behavior on behalf of the hospital.  Well, damn!  (excuse my language, I'm rather sad/mad)  Happy anniversary to us...so we decide we can't fight, if we know we will lose, and he's telling us we will lose. 

We had several candid conversations with the birth mom, who is terribly sorry...as she knows she was the one who put this into motion...we believe unintentionally, but none the less, put it into motion.  She knows she wants us to be Cooper's parents, and now she has to fight a battle to get him back to us.  We tell her we love her, we tell her we love him, but we can't keep living on "pipe dreams."  I've said it before...I either need to grieve or I need to fight.  So, we grieve.  We've cried a lot, we are at different stages of our grief...but we still can't fight the gut, pure faith feeling that Cooper is to be ours.  So, we cried a lot Thursday and Friday.

Friday four of my trusted Christian prayer warrior friends showed up to pray over us...as they too feel that the Lord is not revealing to them anything different than Cooper being in our home, being our child, being raised by us, that he's destined to do GREAT things for our Heavenly Father, all the while being raised by us...how does one argue with that...when they have had daily prayer vigils for us and Cooper, bringing themselves closer to the Lord, to one another and ultimately closer to us.  After they left I had not felt more at peace....it was a strong calming feeling, a feeling I had not felt in over a week. 

One thing I learned in Uganda last August was that demons are real...I know that, but I really didn't understand that.  I know that Satan attacks when we are the strongest....when our faith is so strong and secure, he tries to bring us down, bring those around us down.  A few weeks ago, my mom told me that the day we called telling her Cooper was not ours, she sat and cried, feeling the same helpless feeling like she felt the night of my break in, 7 years ago...knowing a man had intended to end my life, and knowing there was nothing she could do...over those months of healing for me, I learned a lot about myself and my faith...I was NOT where I am now faith wise, but I knew I was a fighter and I knew that man would NOT win!  I would not let his intentions to end my life, actually end my happy life, I fought through the debilitating fear, overcoming obstacles of terror, meeting with counselors, being overcome with panic and anxiety like I had never experienced before, fighting God and crying "why me," being told that these horrific things seem to always happen to me because I somehow always overcome them, making choices that weren't the best, but fighting none the less.  I overcame, and only by the grace of God, through lots of prayers, and a fight...he lost and I won, God won for me.  Satan lost!  So, here I sit again, this time with a loving husband by my side...but this time the fight isn't internal, we are fighting actual people, people who make immoral judgments and can't seem to make ethical decisions...the ultimate decision, what's best for Cooper?  For once this fight isn't just internal, and I can't just give up.

Here we sit, after a weekend of just being slugs...watching more movies than we've watched in a year...I read a sad book...it's always best to read sad books when you are already sad, right?  Hey, everyone said they cried bucks of tears reading The Fault in our Stars...yeah, it was sad, but it put my situation into perspective...but yet it made me sad for the characters who obviously do not know Jesus, even though they meet in the "heart of Jesus" for their cancer support group meetings.  None the less, I finished a book faster than I've finished a book in a long time.  Yeah, today is sad...I'm sad for Bryan...but yet, I know our chapter of this story isn't over yet...damn, it's been a long one, a bit rocky at times, and down right shitty, but I truly believe there is a happy ending to be had...I believe it with all I have in me, I have to...I guess I'm just not ready to give up yet!  As I teacher, I always fought for what was best for the children, their well being...sometimes I lost, but I never said I didn't do what was best and do all I could...and that's what I am doing, that's what we are doing...fighting for what we know is best for the little boy that we believe God has shown us to be ours.  What that future looks like, we don't know, how it will play out, we don't know...but here's what we know...

Cooper is doing well, he's about 10 days to 2 weeks from being released from NICU.  He's now in an open bed.  We understand that the hospital is doing an audit of our case, and that they are recognizing unethical behavior having been a part of our situation.  We don't know how things will play out, we do know that we have to wait until Thursday to do our final request to the state paternity board to see if dad has officially claimed Cooper as his...if this has not happened, we might have a fighting chance.  I know you may be learning this for the first time, please do not be upset with us for not sharing this in person or via the phone, this roller coaster sucks...and it's begun to suck the life out of us...we are tired, we are weary, and we are putting ourselves first in this battle, as it's our little family we are fighting for, and frankly it's easier to type than it is to talk.

Through all of this, we hold no ill will, blame, or hatred towards the birth mom and her sister, my friend, we love them...we know so much of this experience we would not have had if it weren't for them picking us.  We had no idea how this would play out, and well, there are no guarantees in adoption...no matter what kind.  I've witnessed evil in this hospital, through some of the staff, and it makes me sad.

Here's what I know....we are hiring a new attorney, we are not letting go of this yet, and if Cooper doesn't get to come home with us, we pray he is safe and loved.  We pray that the "dad" does not use Cooper as a pawn in his manipulation and that he has a change of heart as to what is best for Cooper.  We pray for the birth mom and her ultimate sacrifice, that her decision for us to be Cooper's parents is the ultimate end to our adoption journey, we pray for her extended family as they too have played a role in this, we pray for our family and the roller coaster of emotions we have put them on, we are sorry for hurt feelings, as none of it is intentional or meant to hurt anyone.  We know you all love us, but please don't ask us what you can do, as we don't know how to answer that...just do what you want to do for us, do what you are lead to do...we too do not know how to do this, we've never done this before.  If we've been rude, we are sorry.  If we've hurt your feelings, we are sorry.  If you show up, we may be in our jammies, we may be crying, we may be happy, we may be starving or living on flavored popcorn, or Blue Bell.  Just know, that this too will pass, and we will be fine...no matter the outcome.

Please just keep us in your prayers!  Peace of mind, clarity, discernment, the right people to talk to, doors to clearly shut with no light shining through, strength of mind and body, and to be held up when we can't walk anymore....and most of all Cooper's body healing and his safety.

We love you all, and appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts, Facebook posts, and most of all the prayers, as they have been felt!

JC

wHaT a RIdE

Where oh where to begin!  First of all, thank you for the constant prayers, messages, and surrounding us with your love!  What an experience this has been, and is yet to be!  Without going into great detail because of privacy for all parties involved, here's the jist. 

Cooper was born safely at 32 weeks on Thursday, May 22nd at 12:55pm, 4lbs 10oz, 17.5inches long...birth mom and Cooper were doing beautifully!  There were a TON of hiccups, non that were foreseen, but we got through them...we were able to have access to Cooper Friday and Saturday, Sunday the hospital revoked that due to their guidelines...but whatever.  Monday, May 26th, his birth mom relinquished her rights at about 7:30pm and he became ours!  WOOHOOO!!!  We didn't get to see him until about 8:30pm because of a few hospital regulations, etc...we spent many hours there with him that night, finally getting to hold him for the first time.  In those few days of his life he had done so well...considering he was 8 weeks early!  He had no extra medication, a few extra fluids via IV, only room air in his cannula (nose tube), and took milk on day 2 through his feeding tube in his mouth, began sucking on a pacifier (despite the difficulty the feeding tube and cannula posed) on Saturday. 

Tuesday, the 27th, was a bit of a train wreck....a supposed bio dad came forward, wanting to claim his paternity, but it's not that easy, legally.  HOWEVER, in the eyes of the hospital they viewed "dad" as his guardian and not our legal paperwork, that says we are his guardians in the eyes of the law.  Needless to say our attorney was not too happy.  BUT, we left, heartbroken...because while we were there they took his cannula out, his IV was coming out, AND he was going to begin bottle feeding, they were moving his mouth feeding tube to his nose to supplement what they gave him via bottle.  More great progress our little Cooper was making!  Leaving was heartbreaking!  Our attorney told us the next steps that had to happen, and we said okay...we want this baby...we feel very strongly that this is to be our child, and if not, we will have dotted every I and crossed every t to put ourselves in the position to give this little guy the best life possible.  In the meantime, we wait! 

We packed up our RV on Tuesday and headed home, in a bit of a trans...we know we hurt many feelings because we just wouldn't talk to anyone, we couldn't, reliving it was Hell!  We were devastated, but we knew that over the course of days since Cooper's birth our marriage was stronger and we were united, and our faith was unstoppable!  We cried, yelled at God, cried some more, and hauled butt home to sleep in our own beds and snuggle with PB.  Wednesday was a bit of a blur, we didn't get out of our PJ's and we didn't talk to anyone, unless you showed up on our doorstep and crawled in bed with us to cry with us.  Thursday, was a little easier, Friday was hard, but better...and well, Saturday was the hardest, because I knew that was supposed to be my baby shower, and presents had been delivered by UPS, the mail man, our in laws, etc....Cooper's room was closed and we just didn't open the door.  Sunday was easier.  Monday even easier.  And Today, Tuesday, we got a glimmer of hope....hope I can't share, but I can ask you to continue to pray!

Here's what we need prayers for: Cooper to continue to get stronger (we have no idea how he's doing because they denied us access), that what we need to happen or not happen to go according to HIS plan, and that by the end of the week we have a more definitive answer as to how this is all going to play out! 

I know it's vague....but that's all I can say for now!  We love you all, cherish your prayers, and hope to be celebrating with our sweet and perfect baby, Cooper soon enough!  And if we aren't, we know God has a plan...we will continue the adoption process, but go the agency route instead...at least the paperwork is done!  :) 

I am continually led back to Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose .

We know we are to be parents, and we just have a peace that Cooper will be ours.  Many of our friends still firmly believe that the Lord has made it clear to them that Cooper will be ours, their children have dreams about teaching Cooper to walk in their living rooms and me rocking him to sleep in our home...so that we stand firm on!  With faith like a child! 

Please forgive us for not necessarily reaching out, we know you are all there, we know you love us, we have been blessed by many, and are thankful for the space we have been given...as being sad is just too hard, and being stared at with the look of pity is too hard.  We are both busy with work, Bryan's back in Kyle working and Focused Ed, LLC is booming...so it's a good thing I pulled myself together, poor Brenna would be drowning...we only sent close to 1,000 emails today!  :) 

Again, thanks!  And I look forward to updating you again soon!  Keep the prayers coming...where two or three gather in my name, there I am among them!  Matthew 18:20!

We love you all!
Jess & Bryan

Raw Emotions

Last night was our first "meeting" at Buckner down in Dallas, we fought traffic all the way down there, ended up being late but didn't miss anything major.  The meeting was fairly straight-forward, here's what they require, here's what you need, blah blah blah.  They went through the information on foster and then foster to adopt (the route we think we are taking), and they talked a lot about how the state's goal is reunification into the family.  The speaker encouraged us to know that God has a plan for what child we will have, and we have to trust His plan and what He wants us to do.  The phrase that stuck out to both Bryan and I was, "we are to think of our selves as a safe home, not a family." 

Here's what I know, I know God has a plan.  I know (or am fairly certain) this, foster to adopt, is the plan we are supposed to follow.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I know there are risks.  I know a child may come into our home and leave.  I know my world will turn upside down if and when that happens.  I know it will all be okay.  I know we'll get to be parents.  BUT here's where my plan and God's plan are colliding.  For once I'd like something to be easy.  I'd like to receive a child and them not leave my home.  I'd like to just know that this is it.  I'd like money to just grown on a tree for a straight adoption and a birth mother to fall into our lap, I don't want to wait (anything longer than 9 months), I just want to be a mom.  For the most part my jealousy of my friends and their ability to have their own children does not get the best of me, but occasionally it's a struggle....and last night after the meeting was one of those struggles.  My grief rears it's head every once in awhile, not always, but sometimes and then I'm emotional and a mess!    In the midst of my ever flowing tears, Bryan is excited and anxious, looking forward to the child that will come into our home, no fear or sadness.  I share the excitement, but last night the fear and sadness was over-taking me.  Fear of more grief, fear of it being so damn hard, and just plain sad!  I fought tears all day today, thankfully I was subbing so that kept my mind off of it for the most part, but KLTY played every song I needed to hear on my way there this morning and while leaving this afternoon.  I haven't talked to anyone, besides Bryan (obviously) about this, because I just couldn't.  I don't like these emotions, I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel sad, and I sure as heck don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" on my birthday weekend.

Then in-swoops a crazy schedule for subbing and I was able to catch up on my Bible Study reading, and then I'm humbled and amazed by my Heavenly Father...when all I want to do is crawl into my Earthly Father's lap and cry...and him make everything better, even though I know he can't...but would if he could!...I digress....back to how the Lord swooped in...I was reading my last section of my He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer and the first page I read is talking about Samuel and how he had been gifted to be a prophet by God's calling, which meant "putting his feelings aside and accepting difficult tasks."  Okay, Lord, I'm listening.  Then there's the verse, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10. Still listening....Priscilla then goes into talking about how we are to serve our Maker, because he knows what will bring us fullfillment in life...and that "Genuine happiness comes from fulfilling God's purpose for us."  Okay, I get the picture, as I'm sure you do...but I still have more to read.  "When you submit to God's assignment, you find true peace and contentment."  I think our assignment is foster to adopt.  I think there is more growth He has for us as a couple and individually.  Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  So she then writes, "let's decide to willingly go along with God's plan instead of insisting on our own."  Last night I was a big bawling baby, wanting it to be my way, wanting it to be easy...but I've come accustomed to things not being easy.  Romans 12:1 then says, "I urge you, (sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."....so if I would stop comparing myself to my friends who could have their own kids and follow His plan, I'd be able to accomplish so much more!  OKAY LORD, I'M SERIOUSLY LISTENING!!!   Psalm 130:5 says "With all my heart, I am waiting, Lord for you!  I trust your promises"....I have to trust that if this is the path He wants us to walk, that I'll be okay, we'll be okay.  The right child will come into our lives and into our homes, maybe more than one before it's "the right" one to become ours!...Still hard, still emotional, still makes me cry, but I know it's what's right! 

Priscilla then goes into talking about sacrificial offerings and how His assignments don't come free of challenges, and they may be things we feel are more than we can handle, but if we place our offerings at the altar, he will help us through them.  I'm still afraid and I'm still sad, but I know that humbling myself/ourselves before our Lord is what we are supposed to do, even Samuel felt afraid.  "How would it change your attitude if you focused not on what you are giving up but on what you are gaining through obedience?"  WOW!  Yep, that's it, that's what I needed to "hear."   "Rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory."  We are to love a child, or two or three, and be that light of Heaven in their lives, for however long of a period of time.  "Trials and challenges are inevitable.  We must learn to expect them, submit to them, and learn from them.  However, rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory." I couldn't have said it better, He knows what He's doing, so we must follow His guidance and we will be fulfilled. 

"Are you willing to get up from the table of your own comfort and serve?...Jesus tells us to take off whatever hinders us from serving Him.  Maybe you need to take off your expectations of what you thought your life was going to be like so you can gladly serve..."  How did Priscilla know that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear? 

Bottom line....I know God is in control, and frankly, I need Him in control!  But, no, not but....Yet, I know I'm still human and I know the emotions of this experience are going to be up and down.  I know that if our feelings that foster to adopt are not the right path, he'll steer us somewhere else.  I'm letting go of the wheel (or at least trying my hardest). 

Friends and family...this isn't always easy to talk about, I don't want to cry all the time...please don't be hurt if I don't/can't/won't call and express this to you, it's not easy.  You can ask about it all you want, as you know, I'm an open book....I may not go as in depth as I can when I write or ask me about what I wrote!  Writing is just so much easier for me!  I can sit at my computer and cry, ugly tears, boohoo, with snot running down my face and I don't feel judged, weak, or any other negative emotion. 

Prayer request:  Please pray that God continues to guide us, that we are able to find the answers to our unanswered questions with foster to adopt, that we have a peace about filling out the preliminary paper work and moving forward, pray for the child that is to be ours, pray for a peace in our hearts and minds.

AND KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT!