sometimes things suck

You know that inspirational saying about walking in the sand, and there are two sets of prints and then there are only one...well, that's where we are....there's only one set of prints and we aren't sure how we've gotten to where we are, other than the Lord watching over us and carrying us through this muddled up situation.

To say the past week has been peachy keen would be just a damn lie.  To say Father's Day is happy is another damn lie.  Bryan should be celebrating his first Daddy day, but we aren't.  We boycotted our anniversary on Thursday and have just been sad. 

A short recap...last Friday our attorney told us we were going to need co-counsel to fight the hospital, Monday rolled around, no word on co-counsel, Tuesday we are told the co-counsel doesn't have time but here's the name of another "bull-dog" attorney who can help.  I call them, only to find out my attorney did not...to be told we don't have a case and there's nothing that can be done...I'm not okay with that answer and I want an attorney to speak with us face to face...so I press on and call, pleading my case to other known attorneys, all of whom don't even have the decency to call me back.  Thankfully, our new friends from church, have a great Christian adoption attorney who gets on the phone with me, is willing to meet us after hours, but ends up just seeing us Thursday morning.  He's amazing...we love him...he's frank, he's honest, and he listens without interrupting us.  Unfortunately, that day we finally had a copy of some paperwork from the hospital, only to find out that if our attorney had requested it on May 27th, like we had asked, we would not be sitting in his office, on our 4th anniversary finding out that there really is nothing we can do....despite the corruption and unethical behavior on behalf of the hospital.  Well, damn!  (excuse my language, I'm rather sad/mad)  Happy anniversary to us...so we decide we can't fight, if we know we will lose, and he's telling us we will lose. 

We had several candid conversations with the birth mom, who is terribly sorry...as she knows she was the one who put this into motion...we believe unintentionally, but none the less, put it into motion.  She knows she wants us to be Cooper's parents, and now she has to fight a battle to get him back to us.  We tell her we love her, we tell her we love him, but we can't keep living on "pipe dreams."  I've said it before...I either need to grieve or I need to fight.  So, we grieve.  We've cried a lot, we are at different stages of our grief...but we still can't fight the gut, pure faith feeling that Cooper is to be ours.  So, we cried a lot Thursday and Friday.

Friday four of my trusted Christian prayer warrior friends showed up to pray over us...as they too feel that the Lord is not revealing to them anything different than Cooper being in our home, being our child, being raised by us, that he's destined to do GREAT things for our Heavenly Father, all the while being raised by us...how does one argue with that...when they have had daily prayer vigils for us and Cooper, bringing themselves closer to the Lord, to one another and ultimately closer to us.  After they left I had not felt more at peace....it was a strong calming feeling, a feeling I had not felt in over a week. 

One thing I learned in Uganda last August was that demons are real...I know that, but I really didn't understand that.  I know that Satan attacks when we are the strongest....when our faith is so strong and secure, he tries to bring us down, bring those around us down.  A few weeks ago, my mom told me that the day we called telling her Cooper was not ours, she sat and cried, feeling the same helpless feeling like she felt the night of my break in, 7 years ago...knowing a man had intended to end my life, and knowing there was nothing she could do...over those months of healing for me, I learned a lot about myself and my faith...I was NOT where I am now faith wise, but I knew I was a fighter and I knew that man would NOT win!  I would not let his intentions to end my life, actually end my happy life, I fought through the debilitating fear, overcoming obstacles of terror, meeting with counselors, being overcome with panic and anxiety like I had never experienced before, fighting God and crying "why me," being told that these horrific things seem to always happen to me because I somehow always overcome them, making choices that weren't the best, but fighting none the less.  I overcame, and only by the grace of God, through lots of prayers, and a fight...he lost and I won, God won for me.  Satan lost!  So, here I sit again, this time with a loving husband by my side...but this time the fight isn't internal, we are fighting actual people, people who make immoral judgments and can't seem to make ethical decisions...the ultimate decision, what's best for Cooper?  For once this fight isn't just internal, and I can't just give up.

Here we sit, after a weekend of just being slugs...watching more movies than we've watched in a year...I read a sad book...it's always best to read sad books when you are already sad, right?  Hey, everyone said they cried bucks of tears reading The Fault in our Stars...yeah, it was sad, but it put my situation into perspective...but yet it made me sad for the characters who obviously do not know Jesus, even though they meet in the "heart of Jesus" for their cancer support group meetings.  None the less, I finished a book faster than I've finished a book in a long time.  Yeah, today is sad...I'm sad for Bryan...but yet, I know our chapter of this story isn't over yet...damn, it's been a long one, a bit rocky at times, and down right shitty, but I truly believe there is a happy ending to be had...I believe it with all I have in me, I have to...I guess I'm just not ready to give up yet!  As I teacher, I always fought for what was best for the children, their well being...sometimes I lost, but I never said I didn't do what was best and do all I could...and that's what I am doing, that's what we are doing...fighting for what we know is best for the little boy that we believe God has shown us to be ours.  What that future looks like, we don't know, how it will play out, we don't know...but here's what we know...

Cooper is doing well, he's about 10 days to 2 weeks from being released from NICU.  He's now in an open bed.  We understand that the hospital is doing an audit of our case, and that they are recognizing unethical behavior having been a part of our situation.  We don't know how things will play out, we do know that we have to wait until Thursday to do our final request to the state paternity board to see if dad has officially claimed Cooper as his...if this has not happened, we might have a fighting chance.  I know you may be learning this for the first time, please do not be upset with us for not sharing this in person or via the phone, this roller coaster sucks...and it's begun to suck the life out of us...we are tired, we are weary, and we are putting ourselves first in this battle, as it's our little family we are fighting for, and frankly it's easier to type than it is to talk.

Through all of this, we hold no ill will, blame, or hatred towards the birth mom and her sister, my friend, we love them...we know so much of this experience we would not have had if it weren't for them picking us.  We had no idea how this would play out, and well, there are no guarantees in adoption...no matter what kind.  I've witnessed evil in this hospital, through some of the staff, and it makes me sad.

Here's what I know....we are hiring a new attorney, we are not letting go of this yet, and if Cooper doesn't get to come home with us, we pray he is safe and loved.  We pray that the "dad" does not use Cooper as a pawn in his manipulation and that he has a change of heart as to what is best for Cooper.  We pray for the birth mom and her ultimate sacrifice, that her decision for us to be Cooper's parents is the ultimate end to our adoption journey, we pray for her extended family as they too have played a role in this, we pray for our family and the roller coaster of emotions we have put them on, we are sorry for hurt feelings, as none of it is intentional or meant to hurt anyone.  We know you all love us, but please don't ask us what you can do, as we don't know how to answer that...just do what you want to do for us, do what you are lead to do...we too do not know how to do this, we've never done this before.  If we've been rude, we are sorry.  If we've hurt your feelings, we are sorry.  If you show up, we may be in our jammies, we may be crying, we may be happy, we may be starving or living on flavored popcorn, or Blue Bell.  Just know, that this too will pass, and we will be fine...no matter the outcome.

Please just keep us in your prayers!  Peace of mind, clarity, discernment, the right people to talk to, doors to clearly shut with no light shining through, strength of mind and body, and to be held up when we can't walk anymore....and most of all Cooper's body healing and his safety.

We love you all, and appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts, Facebook posts, and most of all the prayers, as they have been felt!

JC

wHaT a RIdE

Where oh where to begin!  First of all, thank you for the constant prayers, messages, and surrounding us with your love!  What an experience this has been, and is yet to be!  Without going into great detail because of privacy for all parties involved, here's the jist. 

Cooper was born safely at 32 weeks on Thursday, May 22nd at 12:55pm, 4lbs 10oz, 17.5inches long...birth mom and Cooper were doing beautifully!  There were a TON of hiccups, non that were foreseen, but we got through them...we were able to have access to Cooper Friday and Saturday, Sunday the hospital revoked that due to their guidelines...but whatever.  Monday, May 26th, his birth mom relinquished her rights at about 7:30pm and he became ours!  WOOHOOO!!!  We didn't get to see him until about 8:30pm because of a few hospital regulations, etc...we spent many hours there with him that night, finally getting to hold him for the first time.  In those few days of his life he had done so well...considering he was 8 weeks early!  He had no extra medication, a few extra fluids via IV, only room air in his cannula (nose tube), and took milk on day 2 through his feeding tube in his mouth, began sucking on a pacifier (despite the difficulty the feeding tube and cannula posed) on Saturday. 

Tuesday, the 27th, was a bit of a train wreck....a supposed bio dad came forward, wanting to claim his paternity, but it's not that easy, legally.  HOWEVER, in the eyes of the hospital they viewed "dad" as his guardian and not our legal paperwork, that says we are his guardians in the eyes of the law.  Needless to say our attorney was not too happy.  BUT, we left, heartbroken...because while we were there they took his cannula out, his IV was coming out, AND he was going to begin bottle feeding, they were moving his mouth feeding tube to his nose to supplement what they gave him via bottle.  More great progress our little Cooper was making!  Leaving was heartbreaking!  Our attorney told us the next steps that had to happen, and we said okay...we want this baby...we feel very strongly that this is to be our child, and if not, we will have dotted every I and crossed every t to put ourselves in the position to give this little guy the best life possible.  In the meantime, we wait! 

We packed up our RV on Tuesday and headed home, in a bit of a trans...we know we hurt many feelings because we just wouldn't talk to anyone, we couldn't, reliving it was Hell!  We were devastated, but we knew that over the course of days since Cooper's birth our marriage was stronger and we were united, and our faith was unstoppable!  We cried, yelled at God, cried some more, and hauled butt home to sleep in our own beds and snuggle with PB.  Wednesday was a bit of a blur, we didn't get out of our PJ's and we didn't talk to anyone, unless you showed up on our doorstep and crawled in bed with us to cry with us.  Thursday, was a little easier, Friday was hard, but better...and well, Saturday was the hardest, because I knew that was supposed to be my baby shower, and presents had been delivered by UPS, the mail man, our in laws, etc....Cooper's room was closed and we just didn't open the door.  Sunday was easier.  Monday even easier.  And Today, Tuesday, we got a glimmer of hope....hope I can't share, but I can ask you to continue to pray!

Here's what we need prayers for: Cooper to continue to get stronger (we have no idea how he's doing because they denied us access), that what we need to happen or not happen to go according to HIS plan, and that by the end of the week we have a more definitive answer as to how this is all going to play out! 

I know it's vague....but that's all I can say for now!  We love you all, cherish your prayers, and hope to be celebrating with our sweet and perfect baby, Cooper soon enough!  And if we aren't, we know God has a plan...we will continue the adoption process, but go the agency route instead...at least the paperwork is done!  :) 

I am continually led back to Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose .

We know we are to be parents, and we just have a peace that Cooper will be ours.  Many of our friends still firmly believe that the Lord has made it clear to them that Cooper will be ours, their children have dreams about teaching Cooper to walk in their living rooms and me rocking him to sleep in our home...so that we stand firm on!  With faith like a child! 

Please forgive us for not necessarily reaching out, we know you are all there, we know you love us, we have been blessed by many, and are thankful for the space we have been given...as being sad is just too hard, and being stared at with the look of pity is too hard.  We are both busy with work, Bryan's back in Kyle working and Focused Ed, LLC is booming...so it's a good thing I pulled myself together, poor Brenna would be drowning...we only sent close to 1,000 emails today!  :) 

Again, thanks!  And I look forward to updating you again soon!  Keep the prayers coming...where two or three gather in my name, there I am among them!  Matthew 18:20!

We love you all!
Jess & Bryan

Raw Emotions

Last night was our first "meeting" at Buckner down in Dallas, we fought traffic all the way down there, ended up being late but didn't miss anything major.  The meeting was fairly straight-forward, here's what they require, here's what you need, blah blah blah.  They went through the information on foster and then foster to adopt (the route we think we are taking), and they talked a lot about how the state's goal is reunification into the family.  The speaker encouraged us to know that God has a plan for what child we will have, and we have to trust His plan and what He wants us to do.  The phrase that stuck out to both Bryan and I was, "we are to think of our selves as a safe home, not a family." 

Here's what I know, I know God has a plan.  I know (or am fairly certain) this, foster to adopt, is the plan we are supposed to follow.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I know there are risks.  I know a child may come into our home and leave.  I know my world will turn upside down if and when that happens.  I know it will all be okay.  I know we'll get to be parents.  BUT here's where my plan and God's plan are colliding.  For once I'd like something to be easy.  I'd like to receive a child and them not leave my home.  I'd like to just know that this is it.  I'd like money to just grown on a tree for a straight adoption and a birth mother to fall into our lap, I don't want to wait (anything longer than 9 months), I just want to be a mom.  For the most part my jealousy of my friends and their ability to have their own children does not get the best of me, but occasionally it's a struggle....and last night after the meeting was one of those struggles.  My grief rears it's head every once in awhile, not always, but sometimes and then I'm emotional and a mess!    In the midst of my ever flowing tears, Bryan is excited and anxious, looking forward to the child that will come into our home, no fear or sadness.  I share the excitement, but last night the fear and sadness was over-taking me.  Fear of more grief, fear of it being so damn hard, and just plain sad!  I fought tears all day today, thankfully I was subbing so that kept my mind off of it for the most part, but KLTY played every song I needed to hear on my way there this morning and while leaving this afternoon.  I haven't talked to anyone, besides Bryan (obviously) about this, because I just couldn't.  I don't like these emotions, I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel sad, and I sure as heck don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" on my birthday weekend.

Then in-swoops a crazy schedule for subbing and I was able to catch up on my Bible Study reading, and then I'm humbled and amazed by my Heavenly Father...when all I want to do is crawl into my Earthly Father's lap and cry...and him make everything better, even though I know he can't...but would if he could!...I digress....back to how the Lord swooped in...I was reading my last section of my He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer and the first page I read is talking about Samuel and how he had been gifted to be a prophet by God's calling, which meant "putting his feelings aside and accepting difficult tasks."  Okay, Lord, I'm listening.  Then there's the verse, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10. Still listening....Priscilla then goes into talking about how we are to serve our Maker, because he knows what will bring us fullfillment in life...and that "Genuine happiness comes from fulfilling God's purpose for us."  Okay, I get the picture, as I'm sure you do...but I still have more to read.  "When you submit to God's assignment, you find true peace and contentment."  I think our assignment is foster to adopt.  I think there is more growth He has for us as a couple and individually.  Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  So she then writes, "let's decide to willingly go along with God's plan instead of insisting on our own."  Last night I was a big bawling baby, wanting it to be my way, wanting it to be easy...but I've come accustomed to things not being easy.  Romans 12:1 then says, "I urge you, (sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."....so if I would stop comparing myself to my friends who could have their own kids and follow His plan, I'd be able to accomplish so much more!  OKAY LORD, I'M SERIOUSLY LISTENING!!!   Psalm 130:5 says "With all my heart, I am waiting, Lord for you!  I trust your promises"....I have to trust that if this is the path He wants us to walk, that I'll be okay, we'll be okay.  The right child will come into our lives and into our homes, maybe more than one before it's "the right" one to become ours!...Still hard, still emotional, still makes me cry, but I know it's what's right! 

Priscilla then goes into talking about sacrificial offerings and how His assignments don't come free of challenges, and they may be things we feel are more than we can handle, but if we place our offerings at the altar, he will help us through them.  I'm still afraid and I'm still sad, but I know that humbling myself/ourselves before our Lord is what we are supposed to do, even Samuel felt afraid.  "How would it change your attitude if you focused not on what you are giving up but on what you are gaining through obedience?"  WOW!  Yep, that's it, that's what I needed to "hear."   "Rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory."  We are to love a child, or two or three, and be that light of Heaven in their lives, for however long of a period of time.  "Trials and challenges are inevitable.  We must learn to expect them, submit to them, and learn from them.  However, rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory." I couldn't have said it better, He knows what He's doing, so we must follow His guidance and we will be fulfilled. 

"Are you willing to get up from the table of your own comfort and serve?...Jesus tells us to take off whatever hinders us from serving Him.  Maybe you need to take off your expectations of what you thought your life was going to be like so you can gladly serve..."  How did Priscilla know that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear? 

Bottom line....I know God is in control, and frankly, I need Him in control!  But, no, not but....Yet, I know I'm still human and I know the emotions of this experience are going to be up and down.  I know that if our feelings that foster to adopt are not the right path, he'll steer us somewhere else.  I'm letting go of the wheel (or at least trying my hardest). 

Friends and family...this isn't always easy to talk about, I don't want to cry all the time...please don't be hurt if I don't/can't/won't call and express this to you, it's not easy.  You can ask about it all you want, as you know, I'm an open book....I may not go as in depth as I can when I write or ask me about what I wrote!  Writing is just so much easier for me!  I can sit at my computer and cry, ugly tears, boohoo, with snot running down my face and I don't feel judged, weak, or any other negative emotion. 

Prayer request:  Please pray that God continues to guide us, that we are able to find the answers to our unanswered questions with foster to adopt, that we have a peace about filling out the preliminary paper work and moving forward, pray for the child that is to be ours, pray for a peace in our hearts and minds.

AND KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT!