In the past month, two friends have come to me telling me that their doctor's have told them they need a hysterectomy, one has two children of her own and it was a possible cancer situation...after a second opinion, a hysterectomy wasn't necessary...but my mind began to go back through those decisions that I had to make as a single woman in my late twenties, when my female "good's" fate was not good. :) And for my friend I am so thankful!!!
The second friend is an 18 year old, facing the EXACT same reality I faced at that age. I love this girl like she is my sister and her family like they are my family, my heart breaks for her, and over the course of the past week or so I began to think and re-live my grief process that was an 11 year process plus the 9 years since my surgery, so in the span of my life, 20 years this has been a "thing" for me. I've sat in those doctor's offices as a young woman begin told my reproductive fate, have your children now or you won't have them...fertility doctors...the whole nine yards. But ultimately, the physical pain was too great, it wasn't worth it....so from age 18-29, I went through every treatment possible to treat my insides that were "broken" and sick...medical menopause, constant hormone, clean out surgeries and the list goes on and on...but nothing was a permanent fix, the time was needed to deal with my grief, to wrap my head around the thought of not bearing my own children, as I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. I didn't get to have a CHOICE, my body made my choice for me, the way my body was knit together was my choice. But please hear that I am not bitter about it, was I at a time, yes, grief is an ugly thing, but it is what it is, grief and everyone's looks different. This week was my week to have my hormone replacement done, something I have done about every 4 months, it is my sanity...my 38 year old body thinks it's 65, so this mama has to do something to feel "young" again! :) But none of it is bitterness, because through it brought great joy.
Is my grief gone, no...do I still grieve my body not working right, yes. But it's easier now. I can truly be happy when friends are pregnant, because I no longer long for a baby, I have one, he didn't come from my body, he doesn't look like me, he doesn't look like Bryan, but the Lord knew what He was doing 3 years ago today when we got that call...the call that changed the trajectory of our family...the call about Cooper...the call that his first mom was thinking about adoption and would we be interested...the scariest yet most exciting journey was to begin. I knew that there would be trials, I knew that it wasn't as easy as her signing over her rights to us, there was so much more to it, and in the light of all of the discussions with women's rights and marches, my heart has been tugged at big time.
Our adoption process wasn't easy, our birth mom made a CHOICE, a choice to choose life, a choice she didn't have to make, probably the hardest choice she's ever made....I live every day hugging her child, showing him how loved he is by so many people, teaching him about Jesus, making tough decisions about what's best for him, protecting him from hurt as best I can, allowing him to feel hurt so that he doesn't feel entitled, and so much more...the love I have for her is a love I can't begin to describe, I don't get to show her often enough how loved she is, but this week, in my hormonal mindset I sent her an email telling her how appreciated her CHOICE was to me, to us, to our family.
I am not a political person in any way, I tried to "pay attention" during the election, but I got so frustrated with the crap that I quit even trying. Call me whatever you may, but it's the truth. I've found so much hope and grace in this life, that the negative talk was really playing a role in my attitude, as it still is...but I'm not writing a political post. With the women's marches that have taken place I've begun to really think about a woman's CHOICE...I didn't have a choice, she had a choice. Am I pro-life, yes, but I see both sides, to an extent...last weekend women poured on Washington DC and walked for life, I saw my adoption community on Instagram posting, walking with their birth mom's, walking for their birth mom's, walking for those of us who don't have a CHOICE, walking for the babies that don't have a CHOICE...but yet, I see a woman who was raped and is now pregnant, should she have to live daily with that reminder? I've taught a child that was the product of a rape, I don't know how that mom handled that, did it affect her parenting? In my mind, it would..but she decided on life, would I? Would I have been able to parent a child that was brought into this world through such a horrific event? I don't know! I don't have the answer to whether someone should or shouldn't choose life in that case, are there "exceptions," of course...I'm not writing to share those thoughts, I'm writing to share thoughts from the perspective of someone who didn't have a CHOICE and who is raising someone else's CHOICE to choose life.
Here's what I do know about adoption...we, as Americans, as Christians, as humans, do not treat woman choosing life for their unborn child and choosing to place through adoption the way we should. Adoption is not cheap, there are more kids in the foster system than there should be, there are more orphans than there should be, there are more women who don't have a CHOICE to have a baby and yet if they want to adopt the hoops they have to jump through, the finances they have to have, the personal invasion in their lives is something one doesn't want...but if we want a baby, someone has to choose LIFE...
My plea to you...if you know an unwed/pregnant woman, LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY! Direct her to options, do not condemn her, do not treat her like she's sinned...too few places love these women unconditionally and openly share with them about adoption...it's scary, it's hard...but when we walk beside these women and show them love, other couple's lives get to be blessed, as we are. Or maybe their CHOICE is to raise their child, and that's okay, then WALK BESIDE THEM, help them parent, mentor them, love them!
Some women have a CHOICE, but not all of us have a CHOICE! So, today and every day for the rest of my life, I will love my son who was a CHOICE his birth mom made, and her CHOICE was to place him with us so that we can love him and raise him to be an incredible man of God. She is the most selfless woman I know, she is our family, she is the reason we are a family.
Here we are February 13, 2014 after being with our birth mom during her gender reveal sonogram..another experience I never thought we'd have..but we did, we got to stand beside her during that and then share with our families the news of our soon to be born baby boy!
