Grace under pressure = COURAGE

Here we are a week after Cooper's first birthday and SO MUCH has happened over the course of the last 12 months, that sometimes it's really hard to believe it's only been a year.  Adoption is the most amazing blessing, the best gift anyone will ever give is a birth mom blessing an adoptive family with her child, a child that she loves so much that she releases to someone else to raise.  Could I do it?  Probably not.  Birthmom's are heroes!  

This year as Mother's Day approached, I felt a heaviness on my heart for Cooper's Mama Maria.  I love her beyond words that could be expressed.  I hurt for her, knowing that she hurts, I cry for her, knowing she cries...yet I'm the one holding her son, the child she went through near death experiences carrying in her womb.  The child she loves so selflessly to release him to us to raise, trusting that we will follow through with our words of being an open adoption.  An "open adoption" is not a legal term, it is a moral agreement that an adoptive family says they will be a part of, there is no legal binding to an open adoption.  Going in to our adoption we knew that an open adoption was what IS in the best interest of Cooper, for his overall well being of self.  We wanted his birthmom to know that just because she was placing him in our care, did not mean that she was releasing him altogether and then he'd be gone.  One of the best phrases our Pastor, Toby, used recently in a sermon he said that "releases get sweeter when you release to God."  That has never rung more true over the course of the past year.  In that same sermon on Mother's Day Toby spoke to them mom's saying that our children aren't ours, they belong to God, and encouraged us to release them to the Lord because they are His.  To not mourn the milestones and be sad, to not live in the past, but when they are released to the Lord we are free to love them as they are and where they are.  During our time away from Cooper as he was in the NICU for those 4 weeks, I learned a lot about release.  I knew that Cooper belonged to the Lord and right then he was where he was supposed to be...not that is was easy, by any stretch of the imagination, and not that I didn't cry and grieve or be angry...but yet we stood fast in the promise that was made to us.  And over the course of the months since we became a family (June 25, 2014), I knew that he wasn't just mine/ours, he was the Lords and he was also Mama Maria's.  All of that felt well and good, until this past week.

For a few months now we have been planning our birthday celebration with Cooper's birth mom and his 1/2 siblings.  I had anxiously awaited being able to celebrate with her, hug her again, and tell her how much we love her and how much we love our son.  (She had not seen Cooper since he was about 4 weeks old & in NICU).   On Thursday my anxiety began to rise, Friday it was higher and on Saturday it led me to uncontrollable tears....I was excited, scared no terrified, happy, terrified, joyful, anxious....and so many more emotions that I don't know even how to list them all.   I had not felt like this ever before...the knot in my stomach...what if she thinks we are doing a bad job?  What if she doesn't think he's progressed like he should?  What if she's a crying mess and can't handle it?  What if I'm a crying mess and can't handle it?  What if the kids react in a negative way and are hateful to him?  What if the kids can't separate from him when it's time to go?  The list of questions flowing in my head kept going....  Prayers began, by me and a multitude of others, a crying call to my best friend Brenna, a little bit of Valor and Joy Essential Oils....and we pulled up to his Aunt's house, ran through the rain and into the house and IT ALL WENT AWAY!!!  EVERY LAST BIT OF ANXIETY AND FEAR!  

This was my heart!  This was my child's birth mom.  This IS my child's birth mom. This IS my child's half siblings, a sister who is 8 and a brother who is 5.  This IS my child's biological grandma and step-grandpa.  This IS my child's biological Aunt, Uncle and cousins that he sees on a regular basis.  And you know what's the best part...we all want what's best for him.  We all want him to thrive.  We all love him unconditionally.  And this is what our day was like...PURE LOVE!

The LOVE that she has for him in undeniable.  I know yesterday was not easy for her.  I can't imagine the feelings she had leading up to our day together.  If I was a mess, I can only imagine what she was going through, what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through.  The day was perfect.  The connection she has with Cooper is priceless.  The time that was spent with his siblings was irreplaceable.  

We don't just have two extended families..mine and Bryan's...we have three...mine, Bryan's and Cooper's.  Cooper has 3 sets of Grandparents, 3 sets of Aunts and Uncles, 3 sets of cousins, a birth mom, and a mom and dad that love him unconditionally.  We are blessed!

Cooper, his brother Santi, & cousin Jack - those 3 could be brothers!

 Santi and Cooper - ready to eat cake

 Still not a fan of cake, but sure did like making a "painting" mess with the frosting and then feeding the cake to his cousin dog, Bailey

Our first time "officially" in a pool

 Papa and Nene with all of their grandkids

 Mama Maria and her kiddos - Santi, Cooper & Shilo (don't mind Cooper's grumpy face...he was TIRED)

 Sisters and their kids - because of my last year in the classroom, teaching Johnny in 3rd grade...we have our Cooper - blessings come in the least expected ways

Adoption isn't easy...but with a lot of Faith, a dash of hope, a whole LOT of Grace, an even bigger amount of prayers, and a LOT of LOVE....we have an incredible family...and more courage than we could have even imagined would EVER be possible!

If you are ever looking for some encouragement...check out our church's messages online at www.crosstimberschurch.org - you won't regret it!  

got hope?

This blog has whirled around and around in my head for quite some time...and I'm finally able to sit down and write, not because my to do list is done...I'm actually procrastinating finishing up our taxes...but because today, while Cooper was napping, I watched "Mom's Night Out"and realized I have even more to say now!  (Sidebar...if you are a mommy, YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE...it was just what I needed today, in this temporary season of illness in our home!)

For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy.  I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth.  I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything.  I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full.  It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits!  I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep.   I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles!  I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.

For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS!  I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly.  I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get.  Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done.  I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be.  A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait.  We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.

Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.

During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope.  Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.

Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.

Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined.  In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US!  Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope.  Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable.  We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new.  If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis.  Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire.  Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives.   Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.

Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac.  We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy.  The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!

Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.

I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength.  If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/  All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!

All my love,
Jessica

Prayer Warriors

We are fully aware of the power of prayer when it comes to our sweet boy, Cooper.  So, today I come to you asking you to join me again in prayer, not for us, but for a dear friend and her family.  S & C are fighting to gain custody of their young son, who is currently living with his mother in central Texas.  She has kept him from his father, step-mom, and 2 sisters for almost a year now.  She has lied and made terrible allegations to the courts about more things than I can begin to list in this blog.  She will not allow the boy to speak with his father.  She has not shown up to court mandated visits.  She has fired her legal counsel and has been ordered to appear in court on Monday to prove her accusations, which she can't do, because they are all bogus.  Please help us cover this sweet family in prayer.

Specific Prayers: That the judge's eyes are open to her lies and manipulation.  For the judge to order what is BEST for the son.  Calm, peace, & comfort as they prepare to appear in court on Monday.  For their son to not have believed the lies that have been told to him about his father and step-mom.  Safe travels.  And ultimately that YOUR WILL be done and for all to know that HE has a plan, good will come of this, whether it's now or later..it is HIS timing.

Thank you so much!  I know they appreciate it and will feel HIS peace as court gets closer!

All my love,

Jess