Raw Emotions

Last night was our first "meeting" at Buckner down in Dallas, we fought traffic all the way down there, ended up being late but didn't miss anything major.  The meeting was fairly straight-forward, here's what they require, here's what you need, blah blah blah.  They went through the information on foster and then foster to adopt (the route we think we are taking), and they talked a lot about how the state's goal is reunification into the family.  The speaker encouraged us to know that God has a plan for what child we will have, and we have to trust His plan and what He wants us to do.  The phrase that stuck out to both Bryan and I was, "we are to think of our selves as a safe home, not a family." 

Here's what I know, I know God has a plan.  I know (or am fairly certain) this, foster to adopt, is the plan we are supposed to follow.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I know there are risks.  I know a child may come into our home and leave.  I know my world will turn upside down if and when that happens.  I know it will all be okay.  I know we'll get to be parents.  BUT here's where my plan and God's plan are colliding.  For once I'd like something to be easy.  I'd like to receive a child and them not leave my home.  I'd like to just know that this is it.  I'd like money to just grown on a tree for a straight adoption and a birth mother to fall into our lap, I don't want to wait (anything longer than 9 months), I just want to be a mom.  For the most part my jealousy of my friends and their ability to have their own children does not get the best of me, but occasionally it's a struggle....and last night after the meeting was one of those struggles.  My grief rears it's head every once in awhile, not always, but sometimes and then I'm emotional and a mess!    In the midst of my ever flowing tears, Bryan is excited and anxious, looking forward to the child that will come into our home, no fear or sadness.  I share the excitement, but last night the fear and sadness was over-taking me.  Fear of more grief, fear of it being so damn hard, and just plain sad!  I fought tears all day today, thankfully I was subbing so that kept my mind off of it for the most part, but KLTY played every song I needed to hear on my way there this morning and while leaving this afternoon.  I haven't talked to anyone, besides Bryan (obviously) about this, because I just couldn't.  I don't like these emotions, I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel sad, and I sure as heck don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" on my birthday weekend.

Then in-swoops a crazy schedule for subbing and I was able to catch up on my Bible Study reading, and then I'm humbled and amazed by my Heavenly Father...when all I want to do is crawl into my Earthly Father's lap and cry...and him make everything better, even though I know he can't...but would if he could!...I digress....back to how the Lord swooped in...I was reading my last section of my He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer and the first page I read is talking about Samuel and how he had been gifted to be a prophet by God's calling, which meant "putting his feelings aside and accepting difficult tasks."  Okay, Lord, I'm listening.  Then there's the verse, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10. Still listening....Priscilla then goes into talking about how we are to serve our Maker, because he knows what will bring us fullfillment in life...and that "Genuine happiness comes from fulfilling God's purpose for us."  Okay, I get the picture, as I'm sure you do...but I still have more to read.  "When you submit to God's assignment, you find true peace and contentment."  I think our assignment is foster to adopt.  I think there is more growth He has for us as a couple and individually.  Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  So she then writes, "let's decide to willingly go along with God's plan instead of insisting on our own."  Last night I was a big bawling baby, wanting it to be my way, wanting it to be easy...but I've come accustomed to things not being easy.  Romans 12:1 then says, "I urge you, (sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."....so if I would stop comparing myself to my friends who could have their own kids and follow His plan, I'd be able to accomplish so much more!  OKAY LORD, I'M SERIOUSLY LISTENING!!!   Psalm 130:5 says "With all my heart, I am waiting, Lord for you!  I trust your promises"....I have to trust that if this is the path He wants us to walk, that I'll be okay, we'll be okay.  The right child will come into our lives and into our homes, maybe more than one before it's "the right" one to become ours!...Still hard, still emotional, still makes me cry, but I know it's what's right! 

Priscilla then goes into talking about sacrificial offerings and how His assignments don't come free of challenges, and they may be things we feel are more than we can handle, but if we place our offerings at the altar, he will help us through them.  I'm still afraid and I'm still sad, but I know that humbling myself/ourselves before our Lord is what we are supposed to do, even Samuel felt afraid.  "How would it change your attitude if you focused not on what you are giving up but on what you are gaining through obedience?"  WOW!  Yep, that's it, that's what I needed to "hear."   "Rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory."  We are to love a child, or two or three, and be that light of Heaven in their lives, for however long of a period of time.  "Trials and challenges are inevitable.  We must learn to expect them, submit to them, and learn from them.  However, rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory." I couldn't have said it better, He knows what He's doing, so we must follow His guidance and we will be fulfilled. 

"Are you willing to get up from the table of your own comfort and serve?...Jesus tells us to take off whatever hinders us from serving Him.  Maybe you need to take off your expectations of what you thought your life was going to be like so you can gladly serve..."  How did Priscilla know that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear? 

Bottom line....I know God is in control, and frankly, I need Him in control!  But, no, not but....Yet, I know I'm still human and I know the emotions of this experience are going to be up and down.  I know that if our feelings that foster to adopt are not the right path, he'll steer us somewhere else.  I'm letting go of the wheel (or at least trying my hardest). 

Friends and family...this isn't always easy to talk about, I don't want to cry all the time...please don't be hurt if I don't/can't/won't call and express this to you, it's not easy.  You can ask about it all you want, as you know, I'm an open book....I may not go as in depth as I can when I write or ask me about what I wrote!  Writing is just so much easier for me!  I can sit at my computer and cry, ugly tears, boohoo, with snot running down my face and I don't feel judged, weak, or any other negative emotion. 

Prayer request:  Please pray that God continues to guide us, that we are able to find the answers to our unanswered questions with foster to adopt, that we have a peace about filling out the preliminary paper work and moving forward, pray for the child that is to be ours, pray for a peace in our hearts and minds.

AND KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT!

Well, here I go....

For years I used to send out "update" emails to friends and family, it was a HUGE part of my healing after my break-in in May 2007, but as my mind, body, and soul healed I didn't feel the need to send "updates."  However, the Lord has been guiding me back to "updates," but this time in the form of a blog.  The other day I had two phone calls, one with my best friend, Brenna, where we were talking about the healing of one's mind/body/soul and how I healed through telling my story, over and over again about my break in, being open about my hysterectomy and the trials that were in between those two significant events in my life.  The second call was with my dear sister in law, Lori, who was expressing her excitement for our foster/adoption journey to begin and how she hoped that I would blog or in some way share all of our upcoming baby news so that others could share with us.  Of course she figured I would blog!  :)  So, here I go.

Since January 2008 when I had my hysterectomy, I knew adoption was the only way I would get to be a mom.  I went into my surgery planning to adopt, whether Mr. Right came along or not.  I had set in my head what kind of agency I wanted, etc. had even done the research and identified a few for future reference.  I planned on finishing my Master's in Education, becoming an administrator, and adopting.  Needless to say, that wasn't God's plan, I did finish my Master's 1 month before....He put Bryan in my life in June 2009, thanks to our good friends, Jeff and Melissa Norman, and he knew that adoption was how we would become parents, and was good with it (whew).  At that point, I had closed my mind to fostering a child...thinking, "I've had enough trials, for once I'd like something to be easy...easier," (Bryan on the other hand was open to any way shape or form of us becoming parents).  Knowing good and well, that adoption was NEVER going to be easy!  BUT...it was less risky in my head than fostering a child.  INSERT God's plan....over the past year, He just kept putting foster families into my path...Lisa D.'s blog was directed my way by a mutual high school friend...Jenn B. and I have been friends since middle school, and she knew we were starting to look into adoption, so she sent me an email telling me I needed to check out Lisa's blog, so I did...I spent nights reading it and crying.  Never before had someone else written my emotions...emotions that I hadn't heard anyone else speak.  Feelings of emptiness, feeling broken, thinking "why me?", wanting to feel a baby grown inside me, wanting the full mommy to be experience and feeling jipped, and so much more...it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!  OK LORD, I'M LISTENING!!!  Over the course of the next few months (late 2012 - early 2013) Bryan and I began to talk more about the option of fostering, each praying about it. 

In August I traveled to Uganda...and no, I did not bring a child home...although there were a few that I wouldn't have minded packing up and bringing home.  It was the most humbling and life changing experience, EVER!   I fell in love with so many kids, all of which are school age, once again...God's working on my heart...not sure where that lesson will lead, but for now we sponsor a child and pray for them daily!  I did meet an incredible new, long-distance friend, on the plane from Amsterdam to Uganda, who began a non-profit in Uganda and has adopted several Ugandan children...she began to inspire me, to open my heart to older children....INSERT...God's working on my heart, again!!!!  Check out my friend Heather's website, An Army of Six.

Back to the home front....this Thursday...EEeeeee....we go to our first meeting at Buckner in Dallas to learn more about our options for fostering/adopting.  We know we want an infant, we don't care what color...we are good with green with purple polka dots :), and we know we want our option to be as close to fostering to then adopting the child as possible.  "Our plan" of course!  Pray for us as we begin this journey, this week!  

Specific prayers...pray for doors to open or close, clarity, peace, and for our future child, wherever he/she may be!