I am one of those people who remembers dates, especially the monumental, make an inprint on your life dates. Sometimes they are painful, life changing, gut wrenching events, and sometimes they are joyous.
Do you know what you were doing 11 years ago over Mother's Day weekend? I do, that weekend and following week are burned into my memory like none other. I was 28 years old, single, teaching 4th grade, wanting more than anything to be loved and to be a mom, seeking attention in many of the wrong ways, but trying not to. My relationship with the Lord was on the back burner, because I didn't want to make changes, I wanted to be in control of my life and how things went...I wasn't ready to let go of the wheel. My plans seemed more relavant and appropriate at the time. Mom and Dad lived in Nebraska at the time, mom had just broken her ankle, and dad was in full swing of the church plant for 1C in Columbus. I spent Mother's Day with my new single friends, on Lake Lewisville, having a ball. It was a fun day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Beer, sun and friends, nothing could be better. Until Monday rolled around. Walking into my home at 7pm with arms full of groceries on May 14, 2017, and my world changed. How one man, invading my home, having eaten my food, folded my laundry, did my dishes, packed my clothes into a bag, and prepared my bedroom for what he needed in order to end my life when I came home, but yet he was gone...rocked my world in a way I never imagined was possible. I lived carefree, invinsible, and "somewhat" wild. Over the course of hours the police showed me the various items that were strategically placed in my home for my harm, I was questioned about past relationships and possibly disgruntled parents of students, my friends and family that were with me were questioned about me having a secret life or secrets, as they attempted to solve the "who did this." And 24 hours later, they had a who, a man who had ended another woman's life 7 days prior and was on the run, too many similar aspects to the cases and they knew he left Florida and was headed to Denton, as he had previously lived here. The next few weeks were a blur, medication, therapy, alcohol, more medication, more therapy, trying to finish the school year as a zombie on so much medication. The following months I sought the Lord, but still didn't want to let go of "wild child," and wanted even more to find protection and safety in and through someone else.
Fast forward through a year of therapy. A hysterectomy, because that was pain I could finally control. Grief process of knowing the finality of my womb was truly done. Finally feeling somewhat safe in my home, because I didn't move, I wasn't going to let him win. Multiple painful relationships and too many painful Mother's Days to remember. Learning to be happy for friends and family when they got engaged, married, pregnant...everything I wanted but didn't have...and would never have. Learning to find me...
Bryan and I met 2 years and 3 weeks after the break in on June 6, 2009...I had testified against the man in court in Florida, I had graduated with my masters from TWU, I had solidified my survival with a tattoo on my back, and I was in a much healthier place...too much heart break, I had given up my control, or at least tried to somewhat give it up. My friends might have threatened my life if I screwed up this relationship. He was the carefree, no stress, go with the flow guy everyone said I needed, and I was not so sure. But it worked...and he knew I couldn't have kids, and he had already mentally processed that, whew! Didn't have to worry about scaring him away with my lack of womanhood. (I know, that's not really what it is, but it felt like it).
BUT insert more painful Mother's Days, babies being born, and no one truly understanding what it was like to be in my shoes on Mother's Day. At that point, I really didn't have any friends who had had trouble getting pregnant or with infertility, I didn't have any close friends walking through the path we were on. Marriage was hard, we had said we'd start the process and then things got harder and we didn't...so another Mother's Day with empty arms. By this point I was mid-thirties, my friends' kids were in elementary school. We were both ready to be parents and not just Uncle Bryan and Aunt Jess...2013 was probably the hardest, I couldn't tell you what we did. I HATED church on Mother's Day, because all it did was remind me of what I didn't have. But by that point I was invested in our church, I had heard the Lord speak to me for the first time, because I was being still and listening. My career was a wreck, I knew my time in the classroom was coming to an end, and I was being led in another direction. We kept having foster care put into our paths, friends started coming through the woodwork that were fostering/adopting. But my heart still ached. I didn't want more pain. I didn't want a painful adoption process. I didn't want a child to enter our home and then leave. Hadn't I been through enough pain already?
So, we made a plan....a painful plan, but a plan we felt the Lord was leading us to....foster to adopt. We were trying to be obedient. And then the phone call came, a student my last year of teaching's mom paid attention as to why I left the classroom, and her sister was pregnant...would we consider adopting her unborn niece or nephew. February of 2014 then became a whirl wind...finish home remodel, continue building a business because it looks like we will be parents in July...Meet her, feel like the Lord is telling us this is our child...March - pregnancy complications. April - more pregnancy complications and plan for a NICU baby. Mother's Day 2014 was full of TERRIFIED anticipation. Had we put all of our eggs in a basket that would devastate us? May had been a shitty month of memories up until this point, was that going to change? Or would I still loathe the month of May? How does a mother process the thoughts of not parenting? How will she do it? She is already a mom? Can she? Will she? My mantra on repeat was..."It's not your plan, Jessica, it's the Lord's...and HE will get you through."
Being present on delivery day. Spending time with birth mom and Cooper in NICU....a lengthy wait for relinquishment...trying to be understanding of her, but longing to have my arms filled...gaining custody to only have it taken away 18 hours later...and leaving the hospital in Austin and driving back to Denton without him...the child the Lord had told me was going to be mine? WHAT THE HELL? I knew it wasn't my plan. I knew it was HIS, but still! How could the memory of the month of May get any better? How can I ever survive this month again? I swore I would lock myself away May 1st and not come out until June 1st when I drove back to Denton, following Bryan that day. Is this what hell is like? I was on my knees in prayer for that sweet baby laying in NICU, being held by who knows who...I now know who...our sweet nurse Jen who stuck by his side. Fast forward a month of hell and our reunification and custody given back to us. A WHOLE LOT of work on my heart and forgiveness given to all.
We now had the sweet baby we longed for...my arms were finally full. And then came my first Mother's Day...and it WAS HARD! Why? Why? Why would it be hard? And every year since, it's been hard. But now it's hard for a new reason. I rock someone else's baby to sleep. I comfort him when he's scared or sick or hurt. I see him change daily. I teach him about the Lord. I watch his love for being outdoors. I take him to experience new things. And the woman who gave him life doesn't. I do all I can to love her, communicate with her, see her, and let Cooper know how much she loves him and will always love him. She too is his Mama, in a different way. She loves him in a way I can never understand. She didn't give him up or throw him away or give up on him, she placed him with parents that love him like he is their own flesh and blood, parents that ached to be parents, and parents that now owe her more than could ever be paid. She gave the ultimate sacrifice, she gave up her son to be loved and raised by someone other than herself.
As I write that, I can only think about our Heavenly Father...He too loved us so much that he let His son suffer and die for my "wild child" ways and bad mama days. And I'm overwhelmed with love, joy, and sorrow all in one weekend. I think about the hurt of 11 years ago, and the growth I've gone through, the highs and lows, the friends that have been in and out of my life for seasons, more joy, more sorrow, and I'm in awe. Eleven years ago I was single, teaching and partying wanting to be married and a mom. Five years ago I was ready to leave the classroom and do various odd jobs to make the income necessary and aching for a child. Four years ago I was awaiting the child I prayed would be mine to be born. And now, here I sit, having just left a fabulous brunch put on by my dear friend/Cooper's Mimi (bonus Grandma) and I'm an emotional blubbering fool. I never imagined I'd be running my own business, working outside of the home less than 20 hours a week, home with Cooper, involved in various ministries at church, on an incredible parenting journey, walking with the Lord in a way that I thought would be so "uncool" but is so NOT *why didn't I do it sooner* because I still drink beer :) , and in awe of the ways the Lord has worked in our lives and through us to help others, and others help us. I've learned to rely on the Lord's plan and not my own, because HIS plan is way better.
My question is no longer...why did the break in happen or why did I have a hysterectomy or why did we lose custody of Cooper? Because I know, it led me to where I am now. The pain helped mold me into who I am now. To help me be present in other's pain and sorrow. To help us show Cooper how loved and wanted he was/is.
Adoption isn't easy. I still hurt for her at this time. I still cry tears for her loss. I cry tears because I'm overwhelmed by her love and generosity and selflessness.
So, if you see me this weekend and I'm crying, I'm not sad. I'm not grieving. I'm overwhelemd. I'm overwhelemed with all that May has brought me. I'm overwhelmed by my Heavenly Father's love for me, my life, my family and those that I hold dear.
I drove this morning to Natalie's in tears, as the date dawned on me, I usually begin to process way in advance, but I hadn't...so there I sat in my car, trying not to mess up my make up...processing what May has been in my life over the past 11 years...from terror, sorrow, joy, pain...and now about to celebrate our precious boy's 4th birthday and my 4th Mother's Day. I am thankful for a memory that helps bring me back, and reflect on what was and what brought me to where I am now!
