The best NEWS ever!!

Wow, we've been with Cooper for 5 full days now! He's made leaps and bounds in progress....eating and breathing at the same time without having to always be paced...not perfected, but close!  He weighs 7lbs 1.3oz and is 19.7 inches long. We have an amazing doctor and excellent nurses. He had two of mommy's great friends come to Austin to visit on Friday. On Saturday i was able to be home in Denton to be in Karsten's wedding, it gave Bryan and Coop some time together, plus Gran and Pops came to meet Cooper. 

I went to bed late Saturday night after the wedding, and read my emails prior...one from the attorney telling me the paperwork from the Paternity Registry was on their fax machine......with no answer...my heart was racing....what does that mean? It must mean the answer was no....surely she would not tease me like that......needless to say, falling asleep was a challenge! 

Sunday Oma and Opa drove me back, and got to meet Cooper. While driving the attorney's office replied telling me the answer was NO NO NO!!!!!!  No one had submitted to the Registry to take paternal claim to Cooper.....our fight is OVER. Paternal rights will be terminated...how that works I'm not totally clear on....bottom line....there is no man that can ever claim Cooper as theirs, besides Bryan...and that's the best feeling ever!  I knew it would be a no, but guarded myself for a fight....just in case! Now Doubters and nay-Sayers can let their guard down....we fought a battle for a baby The Lord clear said was ours, and HE won!  It wasn't an easy battle, lots of us were hurt, but He never promised us that our life would be easy, or easy to explain or understand, He told us to trust Him and He will make our paths the way He designed them to be, all we must do is trust and have faith like a child! 

We won't go to court to have our final adoption/name change/new birth certificate for about 4months, but that's simply a formality! No one can take him from us! He IS Cooper Kenneth Cozens!  And we stand in utter amazement at the God story this little guy was a huge part of! 

Today was a big day...besides our final news, meeting Oma and Opa, spending time and saying bye to Gran and Pops, we gave him our second bath....and he hated it!  He had been chugging down 90mL of formula every four hours, to only eat 65mL after his bath. He was plum tuckered out! I tried telling him he'd be less tired if he wouldn't cry and fight the bath...but he has STINKY feet, so a bath was a must! He did get to wear his new outfit from Gran's friends...such a cutie pie he is!

Right now we are slated to go home on Wednesday....as long as I don't have any "bradies" aka being lazy and not breathing. I had a few yesterday, but my doctor says I caught myself and started breathing again quick enough that it wouldn't extend my time til Saturday! Woooohoooooo! So ready to meet PB!

Isn't my new outfit cute??  I'm pretty darn cute when I'm mad! Well, I'm pretty darn cute always! 

 Just staring at my Daddy

This was during bath #1 on Thurs, June 26th

Sweet little family

Yesterday we went to court with our attorney in Dallas....birth mom's rights were terminated and we were granted temporary custody. Temporary meaning we have not heard back from the state's paternity registry to see if "dad" registered himself, claiming paternity.  If the answer is no, then we go to court again and his rights are terminated and we gain permanent custody until our final adoption court date in about 4 months. If the answer is yes, we still have custody, we serve d

"Dad" with a lawsuit, he has 20 days to respond that he wants to fight us for custody... Meaning hire an attorney, show up in court in Dallas (he is in Austin), and then prove himself hit and able to care for Cooper. We will cross that hurdle when it gets here...should know by July 1st. 

Last night when we got to the hospital we couldn't get to Cooper because the legal department needed to check the authenticity of our court order...so enjoyed dinner with some friends, Jennifer & Jason Larson, from when I worked at Camp Lone Star. This morning we were ready and waiting to hear from the nicu supervisor that they had approved our entrance, that call came at 9:15am. As we waited I was reading my daily devotional, and it fit so well for our situation today 

"Creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by it's own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself wil be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the wil of God." Romans 8:19-27 

Then it's followed by the verse that will be a part of my next tattoo...Romans 8:28...thanks to my brothers tattoo piggie bank savings :) it shall be spent soon! 

That scripture was so fitting... I'm loving my devotional, that's more like a Bible study and focuses on prayer- "Whispers of Hope:10 weeks of devotional prayer" by Beth Moore. If you awe looking for something to speak to you, pick it up! :)  

Now back to our day......We were scrubbed in at 10am when nicu opened back up. We got to meet with the doctor and hear he's doing great. He's had a few breathing issues, so we are looking at being sent home next week. We've enjoyed every minute of sitting and just holding him. Learning to feed him at the right angle and such! Most importantly loving our snuggles! 

He's so funny when he eats, he would rather sleep, but the nurse said its because he pigged out earlier this morning! 

The doctors and nurses have been so amazing, congratulating us and celebrating with us! We anxiously await our two favorite nurses from the first round to have a shift so we can celebrate with them. We were a little surprised by the welcome we have had, but are thankful for how it's played out now! 

Thank you for all the prayers, throughout this roller coaster they have been felt!  Keep praying for his breathing to develop (developmentally appropriate, so no sadness for still being here), paternity registry answer quickly and for it to be a no, and praises as we are elated!  And please continue to pray for birth mom and her transition! 

Love to you all! 

Bryan, Jess, Cooper and PB too

I'm 6lbs 6.8oz now!

Coming Home

The past week has been an incredible journey, and today as I was driving to Lewisville to buy a new garage door opener, the Newsboys song "We Believe" came on the radio..."in this broken generation, in all this dark YOU help us see, there is only one salvation, we believe, we believe, we believe in God the Father, we believe in Jesus Christ, we believe in the Holy Spirit, and he's given us new life...we believe in the crucifixion, we believe he conquered death, we believe in the resurrection, and he's coming back again, we believe...let our faith be more than anthems, greater than the songs we sing, and in our weakness and temptations, we believe...."

And this is what we've done...we've believed!  Through the hurt, the ups and downs, and heartache we've stood firm in HIS promise to us that Cooper Kenneth is OURS!  He is to be a Cozens! 

On Monday, I obtained the documentation that legally took the "dad" off of the birth certificate, hired the new attorney, and planned a trip to Austin for Tuesday to take the new relinquishment paperwork to the birth mom.  Tuesday my friend and I drove to Austin to get state sealed paperwork removing the "dad" and to meet with the birth mom to do a new relinquishment.  I didn't know how it would go, I didn't know how the birth mom would feel, I knew she wanted us to have him but I wasn't sure how seeing me would go...and I was blown away!  Her state of mind, her determination to make sure he is safe and with us...we had AMAZING conversations, her apologies overflowed, her thanking us for giving Cooper a loving home and for giving her a new start with her life.  Her strength is incredible.  We still battle the hospital, as they refuse to honor the legal paperwork taking "dad" off, however he was escorted out of the hospital last Sunday and has told the hospital he's gone.  So, we play their games.

I did get to spend about 45 minutes with Cooper on Tuesday.  I cried a lot and just rocked him. 

He's doing very well.  He's eating like a champ!  He has had a few "episodes" with his breathing while he's eating and his heart rate dropping when he eats, and these keep extending his time in NICU, delaying his release.  BUT that's okay, we want him to be ready to eat and breath correctly at home.  His tentative release is Wednesday, June 25th...this Sunday, the 22nd, he is 1 month old...so he'll be possibly released at what would have only been 36 weeks gestational.  He's a fighter!  The night before he is released a "sleep in" occurs with the one he is being released to...so right now that's birth mom...she'll spend the night in a family room at NICU, and then be released, we will be her ride to be picked up, and then we'll head straight home with Cooper.  Us doing the sleep in will depend on court...I'll get into that more later.

Wednesday the attorney had the new relinquishment in his hands, filed with the court, and we go to court Tuesday at 8am to terminate mom's rights.  Monday the attorney files with the "paternity registry" to find out if the "dad" "staked his claim" on Cooper in the way that he was supposed to, if he did not, then we hope to have his rights terminated at the same time on Tuesday.

If he did stake his claim, Cooper is still ours, we file a lawsuit against him, he's served with papers saying that if he wants to gain custody he must fight us...reply within 20 days, hire an attorney, appear in court in Dallas, and prove himself capable of taking care of Cooper.  And well...let's just say this character has had some violence issues recently....our attorney says no big deal, Cooper will be ours, but if we need to view it like fostering him to keep him safe until he's ours...then view it that way, since we were going to go the foster route before he came along.  So...regardless of the answer from paternity registry, Cooper comes to Dallas!

Here are our VERY specific prayers for this weekend and first of the week: pray that Cooper has NO MORE episodes and is released on Wednesday, pray that Cooper is safe and is taken care of appropriately so that he is successful with his feedings, pray that the hospital treats birth mom with respect, pray that the paternity registry shows us favor and is able to give our attorney an answer on Monday if "dad" has registered or not, pray that court goes smoothly on Tuesday, pray for favor from the judge, and continue to pray for our peace and for birth mom.

IF "dad" is able to be terminated in court on Tuesday, then we will head straight to Austin to give the hospital our paperwork granting us full custody and terminating the parents, so that we are able to do the "sleep in" with him on Tuesday night.  If he can't be terminated because of the registry, we go with our plan of picking up birth mom from the hospital and then heading home.

As a precaution of not being able to do the sleep in, we are meeting with our pediatrician today to go over preemie care...as they have to be handled a little bit differently than a full term baby.

Thank you for continuing to ride this journey with us!  We can't wait to share photos of him AT HOME!  We love you all!

Jess, Bryan, PB and soon to be Cooper Cozens

sometimes things suck

You know that inspirational saying about walking in the sand, and there are two sets of prints and then there are only one...well, that's where we are....there's only one set of prints and we aren't sure how we've gotten to where we are, other than the Lord watching over us and carrying us through this muddled up situation.

To say the past week has been peachy keen would be just a damn lie.  To say Father's Day is happy is another damn lie.  Bryan should be celebrating his first Daddy day, but we aren't.  We boycotted our anniversary on Thursday and have just been sad. 

A short recap...last Friday our attorney told us we were going to need co-counsel to fight the hospital, Monday rolled around, no word on co-counsel, Tuesday we are told the co-counsel doesn't have time but here's the name of another "bull-dog" attorney who can help.  I call them, only to find out my attorney did not...to be told we don't have a case and there's nothing that can be done...I'm not okay with that answer and I want an attorney to speak with us face to face...so I press on and call, pleading my case to other known attorneys, all of whom don't even have the decency to call me back.  Thankfully, our new friends from church, have a great Christian adoption attorney who gets on the phone with me, is willing to meet us after hours, but ends up just seeing us Thursday morning.  He's amazing...we love him...he's frank, he's honest, and he listens without interrupting us.  Unfortunately, that day we finally had a copy of some paperwork from the hospital, only to find out that if our attorney had requested it on May 27th, like we had asked, we would not be sitting in his office, on our 4th anniversary finding out that there really is nothing we can do....despite the corruption and unethical behavior on behalf of the hospital.  Well, damn!  (excuse my language, I'm rather sad/mad)  Happy anniversary to us...so we decide we can't fight, if we know we will lose, and he's telling us we will lose. 

We had several candid conversations with the birth mom, who is terribly sorry...as she knows she was the one who put this into motion...we believe unintentionally, but none the less, put it into motion.  She knows she wants us to be Cooper's parents, and now she has to fight a battle to get him back to us.  We tell her we love her, we tell her we love him, but we can't keep living on "pipe dreams."  I've said it before...I either need to grieve or I need to fight.  So, we grieve.  We've cried a lot, we are at different stages of our grief...but we still can't fight the gut, pure faith feeling that Cooper is to be ours.  So, we cried a lot Thursday and Friday.

Friday four of my trusted Christian prayer warrior friends showed up to pray over us...as they too feel that the Lord is not revealing to them anything different than Cooper being in our home, being our child, being raised by us, that he's destined to do GREAT things for our Heavenly Father, all the while being raised by us...how does one argue with that...when they have had daily prayer vigils for us and Cooper, bringing themselves closer to the Lord, to one another and ultimately closer to us.  After they left I had not felt more at peace....it was a strong calming feeling, a feeling I had not felt in over a week. 

One thing I learned in Uganda last August was that demons are real...I know that, but I really didn't understand that.  I know that Satan attacks when we are the strongest....when our faith is so strong and secure, he tries to bring us down, bring those around us down.  A few weeks ago, my mom told me that the day we called telling her Cooper was not ours, she sat and cried, feeling the same helpless feeling like she felt the night of my break in, 7 years ago...knowing a man had intended to end my life, and knowing there was nothing she could do...over those months of healing for me, I learned a lot about myself and my faith...I was NOT where I am now faith wise, but I knew I was a fighter and I knew that man would NOT win!  I would not let his intentions to end my life, actually end my happy life, I fought through the debilitating fear, overcoming obstacles of terror, meeting with counselors, being overcome with panic and anxiety like I had never experienced before, fighting God and crying "why me," being told that these horrific things seem to always happen to me because I somehow always overcome them, making choices that weren't the best, but fighting none the less.  I overcame, and only by the grace of God, through lots of prayers, and a fight...he lost and I won, God won for me.  Satan lost!  So, here I sit again, this time with a loving husband by my side...but this time the fight isn't internal, we are fighting actual people, people who make immoral judgments and can't seem to make ethical decisions...the ultimate decision, what's best for Cooper?  For once this fight isn't just internal, and I can't just give up.

Here we sit, after a weekend of just being slugs...watching more movies than we've watched in a year...I read a sad book...it's always best to read sad books when you are already sad, right?  Hey, everyone said they cried bucks of tears reading The Fault in our Stars...yeah, it was sad, but it put my situation into perspective...but yet it made me sad for the characters who obviously do not know Jesus, even though they meet in the "heart of Jesus" for their cancer support group meetings.  None the less, I finished a book faster than I've finished a book in a long time.  Yeah, today is sad...I'm sad for Bryan...but yet, I know our chapter of this story isn't over yet...damn, it's been a long one, a bit rocky at times, and down right shitty, but I truly believe there is a happy ending to be had...I believe it with all I have in me, I have to...I guess I'm just not ready to give up yet!  As I teacher, I always fought for what was best for the children, their well being...sometimes I lost, but I never said I didn't do what was best and do all I could...and that's what I am doing, that's what we are doing...fighting for what we know is best for the little boy that we believe God has shown us to be ours.  What that future looks like, we don't know, how it will play out, we don't know...but here's what we know...

Cooper is doing well, he's about 10 days to 2 weeks from being released from NICU.  He's now in an open bed.  We understand that the hospital is doing an audit of our case, and that they are recognizing unethical behavior having been a part of our situation.  We don't know how things will play out, we do know that we have to wait until Thursday to do our final request to the state paternity board to see if dad has officially claimed Cooper as his...if this has not happened, we might have a fighting chance.  I know you may be learning this for the first time, please do not be upset with us for not sharing this in person or via the phone, this roller coaster sucks...and it's begun to suck the life out of us...we are tired, we are weary, and we are putting ourselves first in this battle, as it's our little family we are fighting for, and frankly it's easier to type than it is to talk.

Through all of this, we hold no ill will, blame, or hatred towards the birth mom and her sister, my friend, we love them...we know so much of this experience we would not have had if it weren't for them picking us.  We had no idea how this would play out, and well, there are no guarantees in adoption...no matter what kind.  I've witnessed evil in this hospital, through some of the staff, and it makes me sad.

Here's what I know....we are hiring a new attorney, we are not letting go of this yet, and if Cooper doesn't get to come home with us, we pray he is safe and loved.  We pray that the "dad" does not use Cooper as a pawn in his manipulation and that he has a change of heart as to what is best for Cooper.  We pray for the birth mom and her ultimate sacrifice, that her decision for us to be Cooper's parents is the ultimate end to our adoption journey, we pray for her extended family as they too have played a role in this, we pray for our family and the roller coaster of emotions we have put them on, we are sorry for hurt feelings, as none of it is intentional or meant to hurt anyone.  We know you all love us, but please don't ask us what you can do, as we don't know how to answer that...just do what you want to do for us, do what you are lead to do...we too do not know how to do this, we've never done this before.  If we've been rude, we are sorry.  If we've hurt your feelings, we are sorry.  If you show up, we may be in our jammies, we may be crying, we may be happy, we may be starving or living on flavored popcorn, or Blue Bell.  Just know, that this too will pass, and we will be fine...no matter the outcome.

Please just keep us in your prayers!  Peace of mind, clarity, discernment, the right people to talk to, doors to clearly shut with no light shining through, strength of mind and body, and to be held up when we can't walk anymore....and most of all Cooper's body healing and his safety.

We love you all, and appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts, Facebook posts, and most of all the prayers, as they have been felt!

JC

wHaT a RIdE

Where oh where to begin!  First of all, thank you for the constant prayers, messages, and surrounding us with your love!  What an experience this has been, and is yet to be!  Without going into great detail because of privacy for all parties involved, here's the jist. 

Cooper was born safely at 32 weeks on Thursday, May 22nd at 12:55pm, 4lbs 10oz, 17.5inches long...birth mom and Cooper were doing beautifully!  There were a TON of hiccups, non that were foreseen, but we got through them...we were able to have access to Cooper Friday and Saturday, Sunday the hospital revoked that due to their guidelines...but whatever.  Monday, May 26th, his birth mom relinquished her rights at about 7:30pm and he became ours!  WOOHOOO!!!  We didn't get to see him until about 8:30pm because of a few hospital regulations, etc...we spent many hours there with him that night, finally getting to hold him for the first time.  In those few days of his life he had done so well...considering he was 8 weeks early!  He had no extra medication, a few extra fluids via IV, only room air in his cannula (nose tube), and took milk on day 2 through his feeding tube in his mouth, began sucking on a pacifier (despite the difficulty the feeding tube and cannula posed) on Saturday. 

Tuesday, the 27th, was a bit of a train wreck....a supposed bio dad came forward, wanting to claim his paternity, but it's not that easy, legally.  HOWEVER, in the eyes of the hospital they viewed "dad" as his guardian and not our legal paperwork, that says we are his guardians in the eyes of the law.  Needless to say our attorney was not too happy.  BUT, we left, heartbroken...because while we were there they took his cannula out, his IV was coming out, AND he was going to begin bottle feeding, they were moving his mouth feeding tube to his nose to supplement what they gave him via bottle.  More great progress our little Cooper was making!  Leaving was heartbreaking!  Our attorney told us the next steps that had to happen, and we said okay...we want this baby...we feel very strongly that this is to be our child, and if not, we will have dotted every I and crossed every t to put ourselves in the position to give this little guy the best life possible.  In the meantime, we wait! 

We packed up our RV on Tuesday and headed home, in a bit of a trans...we know we hurt many feelings because we just wouldn't talk to anyone, we couldn't, reliving it was Hell!  We were devastated, but we knew that over the course of days since Cooper's birth our marriage was stronger and we were united, and our faith was unstoppable!  We cried, yelled at God, cried some more, and hauled butt home to sleep in our own beds and snuggle with PB.  Wednesday was a bit of a blur, we didn't get out of our PJ's and we didn't talk to anyone, unless you showed up on our doorstep and crawled in bed with us to cry with us.  Thursday, was a little easier, Friday was hard, but better...and well, Saturday was the hardest, because I knew that was supposed to be my baby shower, and presents had been delivered by UPS, the mail man, our in laws, etc....Cooper's room was closed and we just didn't open the door.  Sunday was easier.  Monday even easier.  And Today, Tuesday, we got a glimmer of hope....hope I can't share, but I can ask you to continue to pray!

Here's what we need prayers for: Cooper to continue to get stronger (we have no idea how he's doing because they denied us access), that what we need to happen or not happen to go according to HIS plan, and that by the end of the week we have a more definitive answer as to how this is all going to play out! 

I know it's vague....but that's all I can say for now!  We love you all, cherish your prayers, and hope to be celebrating with our sweet and perfect baby, Cooper soon enough!  And if we aren't, we know God has a plan...we will continue the adoption process, but go the agency route instead...at least the paperwork is done!  :) 

I am continually led back to Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose .

We know we are to be parents, and we just have a peace that Cooper will be ours.  Many of our friends still firmly believe that the Lord has made it clear to them that Cooper will be ours, their children have dreams about teaching Cooper to walk in their living rooms and me rocking him to sleep in our home...so that we stand firm on!  With faith like a child! 

Please forgive us for not necessarily reaching out, we know you are all there, we know you love us, we have been blessed by many, and are thankful for the space we have been given...as being sad is just too hard, and being stared at with the look of pity is too hard.  We are both busy with work, Bryan's back in Kyle working and Focused Ed, LLC is booming...so it's a good thing I pulled myself together, poor Brenna would be drowning...we only sent close to 1,000 emails today!  :) 

Again, thanks!  And I look forward to updating you again soon!  Keep the prayers coming...where two or three gather in my name, there I am among them!  Matthew 18:20!

We love you all!
Jess & Bryan