May 2014 bring you PEACE

Wow, 2013 is almost over!  I'm brought to tears as I reflect on what this year has entailed for our family....a church service in January where the Holy Spirit very clearly told me I was to go to Uganda in August with our church, a leap of faith in deciding if I was to resign from teaching, new friends, healed hearts, an openness to what the Lord had in store for us, not starting the adoption process in June like we had intended a year ago, meeting more and more people leading us towards fostering, blessing upon blessing with providing, and most of all learning that our Lord is sovereign and with Him, all things truly are possible! 

As this year comes to a close, I was humbled in church last night....the worship leader, Barrett, who went to Uganda with me was leading worship (a treat for me, as he leads worship on another campus)...and of course he sang the one song that brings the most amazing memory to mind...."Your love never fails it never gives up, it never runs out on me"....I had never before experienced children worshiping like they did to that song!  I can't believe it's been almost a year since that trip became something I was working towards, praying about, and yearning for...and now I'm anxious to see if I'll be able to return again in August, or if there is something else in store for me.

Our Pastor, Toby, spoke about how in the middle of uncertain times, that is not a time for us to be anxious, it's a time for us to feel Jesus, and the calm that only HE can bring!  I think for the first time, I can say, without any hesitation or any pretending...I've never been happier!  The joy that has come to our lives is incredible...the people praying for us and our upcoming journey is amazing!

A few "maybe's" have come about....maybe this door for a child will open, maybe this door for a child will open...all in all, it's truly HIS plan.  Maybe it'll be a straight adoption, an open adoption and we'll add to our family.  Maybe it'll be a sibling pair that is currently in foster care with a family I met a few months ago.  Maybe it'll be through Buckner or maybe it'll be through another agency that we've learned about.    In all of this, I find peace, because my heart is tied to Christ, not to the circumstance of the unknown.  

I've always told my students....I don't pay the "what if" game...even though I find myself playing it...even in church last night...What if...I don't get to go to Uganda in August...What if...we do have a child placed in our home in March/June/whenever...What if...What if....  But I was quickly reminded that I don't have to play the "What if.." game, Christ came to bring us PEACE, through his stressful life on Earth, the trouble that comes is out of our control.

Romans 5 tells us that troubles build endurance, I know about endurance, I run long distances...I've never thought about the troubles that come our way building our endurance...we have PEACE because we've been made right with God, we are JUSTIFIED!  God doesn't waste our hurts, HE brings GOOD through our pain and in the end he DEARLY LOVES US!  Mary wasn't afraid when the angel came to her and said, "God is with you," despite the trials that came her with with the news the angel brought...she endured and because she endured, we have PEACE!

So, no more "resolutions"...I choose JOY, PEACE, LOVE, GRACE, (patience...dare I say it out-loud), and EXCITEMENT!  I have goals....selfishly...that maybe this will have been our last Christmas without a child...but we said that last year...so once again....it's HIS plan! 

No more resolutions...2014 GOALS...
To minister to those that need me/my story/my resources
To be a blessing to those around me
To take Boxing Lessons - a birthday present from Bryan
Run a few half marathons...my full marathon goal may not work out this year
To Love and Serve my husband the way the Lord wants me to
To pray relentlessly for our future child(ren)
To get my NEXT Tattoo - Thanks to my little brother's Christmas present to me

 
 Blessings to your and yours!  Christmas cards never made it out this year...and New Years cards probably won't either...but just maybe....a baby adoption/foster announcement will....

Jesus came to turn our world upside down...Peace will NEVER be in our circumstances...only in HIM!  Happy 2014!  May it be a year of PEACE for you and your family!


The Peace in our circumstances comes from Toby Slough's Upside Down Christmas - Part 2 - Click here to hear his message - you won't regret it!!!

Corn Dip

I've moved my recipes to a separate blog - check out -  In all that is Good

Something FUN for your hubby!

I love my digital software from Stampin' Up, I saw something like this on the web and decided to create my own...so I'm sharing with you girls!  Right click to save the image, print, and ENJOY!

Cake Dip

I've moved my recipes to a separate blog - check out - In all that is Good

What's your legacy?

I LOVE Christmas, but my heart has been unsettled about the excess in our lives!  I struggle, as many of you do, wanting to have "everything," the best of the best, etc. but when our focus shifts from us, to the reason for the season, the birth of Christ, I begin to feel guilty of my "I wants," which sometimes I like to phrase as, " I need!" Bryan is always reminding me that is a "WANT" not a "NEED," psh, whatever...I need it because.... I am MAJORLY guilty of it, just like I'm guilty of wanting my way!  But here's what I REALLY need and want... I need to be an ambassador for Christ, I want others to see Him through me and my actions!

So, over the past few months my two sister in laws, a friend from teaching, and myself have been studying Priscilla Shirer's He Speaks to Me: Preparing to Hear from God and in my last post I quoted much of the book that goes along with the study.  Today I finished up our week 6 study...yep, did all 5 days this afternoon...not exactly how Priscilla *or God* would have liked me to do it, but none-the-less, I did it all today..note we were going to have our final Bible Study tonight, but it's tomorrow night...so now I'm a day ahead!  Woo hooo!  I've learned so much from this study, and I'm so glad we got to study it together! 

God is calling us to be ambassadors for Him...and a few reminders she gives are....My life means more than the temporary.  * I live at this point in history for a reason. * My existence is no mistake. * I'm here for a purpose, to fulfill my God-given role!    Hmmm...my God-given role.....wife, teacher, educator, friend, craft addict, mother, runner, sleeper, cook, baker...the list goes on and on.  He created us for something GREAT, he invites us to join HIM, but that requires....submission....YIKES!  God gives us assignments that aren't easy, they are given to us to make us stronger, they require more commitment out of us, and all in all HIS plans just might be more challenging and difficult than the ones we'd have for ourselves!  Yep, living proof of that one!  If I had, had my way with finding a husband...well, let's just say it probably wouldn't have lasted, and he definitely wouldn't have been my Bryan!  How he loves me through some of my "difficult" moments, I'm not quite sure, but he does!   I'm learning that he sometimes handles the challenges God gives us a little better than I do, even though I know he doesn't give us challenges to destroy us, in all actuality they are there to make us stronger.

Speaking of stronger....I've loved to run for years!  Almost 11 years ago, I was walking with my friend Liz, we decided to walk the loop at White Rock Lake, and some how I had told her that I wanted to run a marathon...that night we went to dinner at one of her friend's houses, and some how I learned about Team in Training....a week or so later, there I was, in full swing of training for my first full marathon...yep, 26.2 miles, what in the heck was I thinking???  Fast forward...I ran 3 full marathons and 4 half marathons from 2003-2009, then I met Bryan...teaching full time and a boyfriend/fiancee/husband was my priority!  But some how, through a little faith, my endurance returned, but not without a lot of dedication, not kicking my heels up and sitting around, but strapping on those tennis shoes and hitting the pavement.  Over the years my body bucked the system and prevented me from running, but my ability to have endurance returned.  And here I am, 4 days away from a half marathon, my first since April 2009, and my darn hip flexor is about to pop off my body....whew, it's painful, but what does that mean?  Will I be able to run on Sunday?  Will I be able to maintain my record time for a half?  Here's what I know...I can't let worry, negative feelings, or anything else prevent me from accomplishing this goal again.  What do I do for the next 4 days?  Ice, see my fabulous Chiropractor for e-stem treatments, roll on my rolly-tube thing that I can never remember it's "official" name, use a TON of Biofreeze, ice some more, and rest!  REST!  I hate REST!  I want to run!  I set monthly running goals, last month 76 miles, this month I was aiming for 80!  Okay, it's not what's important!  My focus is shifting...it's December, be thankful that I've been able to gain my endurance back, that was a gift from Him!  I have to keep my focus!  He's created me to do amazing things, what lessons can I take from this?  I can't play the "what if" game!  Oh goodness, I got side-tracked....so many things to share...I LOVE being able to complete a study, read something, listen to a sermon and take away so much!

As we live this life...enter the season of Christmas...celebrate Advent...celebrate in our homes, with our families, enjoy Christmas lights, snow days...where is your focus?  Is it on our real home?  Heaven!  When things have you down, they aren't going your way...remember, your way isn't the way...we are just passing through this life.  My cousin Jason Steger, wrote a song called "A Place I Call Home" and as he sang it at our Papa's funeral, it meant even more...we aren't at home, our home is when we leave this world...but then what legacy have we left?  Have we lived a life of delight?  Delight in what the Lord has given us, not what we look forward to having?  Do we obey his commands?  Do we obey other authority in our life?  What do we show others when we "buck" the system and don't follow the authority of those over us?  Does that just mean submitting to those we respect?  What if we don't agree with what our authority has called us to do?  What then?  Well, here's what I know...God's authority will only bring us to our next home, the way we respond to things will leave the legacy of our lives on this earth.  What does that look like for you?  What legacy are you leaving?  What hurts do you leave behind?  Do you live through your pain in a negative way or are you celebrating and rejoicing through your pain?  We have to be willing to follow HIS will and not interfere with HIS plan, but submit to HIS plan...whether we like it, whether it's easy, whether it's comfortable, period...we must submit to HIS will, HIS guidance!  This home is great, I love it, I love what I have here...do I long for things...yes, I want to be a mother, I want to feel loved, I want to know that I'm desired, I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to be a mother (just making sure you remember that *wink), but most of all, I want to leave a legacy...a legacy that represents Christ, a legacy that shows others that He is who gives me strength, that this home is just temporary, but darn it, I'm going to be the best me I can be through his strength...through the trials of becoming parents to the success of Sunday's half marathon, He will get me through!

Raw Emotions

Last night was our first "meeting" at Buckner down in Dallas, we fought traffic all the way down there, ended up being late but didn't miss anything major.  The meeting was fairly straight-forward, here's what they require, here's what you need, blah blah blah.  They went through the information on foster and then foster to adopt (the route we think we are taking), and they talked a lot about how the state's goal is reunification into the family.  The speaker encouraged us to know that God has a plan for what child we will have, and we have to trust His plan and what He wants us to do.  The phrase that stuck out to both Bryan and I was, "we are to think of our selves as a safe home, not a family." 

Here's what I know, I know God has a plan.  I know (or am fairly certain) this, foster to adopt, is the plan we are supposed to follow.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I know there are risks.  I know a child may come into our home and leave.  I know my world will turn upside down if and when that happens.  I know it will all be okay.  I know we'll get to be parents.  BUT here's where my plan and God's plan are colliding.  For once I'd like something to be easy.  I'd like to receive a child and them not leave my home.  I'd like to just know that this is it.  I'd like money to just grown on a tree for a straight adoption and a birth mother to fall into our lap, I don't want to wait (anything longer than 9 months), I just want to be a mom.  For the most part my jealousy of my friends and their ability to have their own children does not get the best of me, but occasionally it's a struggle....and last night after the meeting was one of those struggles.  My grief rears it's head every once in awhile, not always, but sometimes and then I'm emotional and a mess!    In the midst of my ever flowing tears, Bryan is excited and anxious, looking forward to the child that will come into our home, no fear or sadness.  I share the excitement, but last night the fear and sadness was over-taking me.  Fear of more grief, fear of it being so damn hard, and just plain sad!  I fought tears all day today, thankfully I was subbing so that kept my mind off of it for the most part, but KLTY played every song I needed to hear on my way there this morning and while leaving this afternoon.  I haven't talked to anyone, besides Bryan (obviously) about this, because I just couldn't.  I don't like these emotions, I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel sad, and I sure as heck don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" on my birthday weekend.

Then in-swoops a crazy schedule for subbing and I was able to catch up on my Bible Study reading, and then I'm humbled and amazed by my Heavenly Father...when all I want to do is crawl into my Earthly Father's lap and cry...and him make everything better, even though I know he can't...but would if he could!...I digress....back to how the Lord swooped in...I was reading my last section of my He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer and the first page I read is talking about Samuel and how he had been gifted to be a prophet by God's calling, which meant "putting his feelings aside and accepting difficult tasks."  Okay, Lord, I'm listening.  Then there's the verse, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10. Still listening....Priscilla then goes into talking about how we are to serve our Maker, because he knows what will bring us fullfillment in life...and that "Genuine happiness comes from fulfilling God's purpose for us."  Okay, I get the picture, as I'm sure you do...but I still have more to read.  "When you submit to God's assignment, you find true peace and contentment."  I think our assignment is foster to adopt.  I think there is more growth He has for us as a couple and individually.  Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  So she then writes, "let's decide to willingly go along with God's plan instead of insisting on our own."  Last night I was a big bawling baby, wanting it to be my way, wanting it to be easy...but I've come accustomed to things not being easy.  Romans 12:1 then says, "I urge you, (sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."....so if I would stop comparing myself to my friends who could have their own kids and follow His plan, I'd be able to accomplish so much more!  OKAY LORD, I'M SERIOUSLY LISTENING!!!   Psalm 130:5 says "With all my heart, I am waiting, Lord for you!  I trust your promises"....I have to trust that if this is the path He wants us to walk, that I'll be okay, we'll be okay.  The right child will come into our lives and into our homes, maybe more than one before it's "the right" one to become ours!...Still hard, still emotional, still makes me cry, but I know it's what's right! 

Priscilla then goes into talking about sacrificial offerings and how His assignments don't come free of challenges, and they may be things we feel are more than we can handle, but if we place our offerings at the altar, he will help us through them.  I'm still afraid and I'm still sad, but I know that humbling myself/ourselves before our Lord is what we are supposed to do, even Samuel felt afraid.  "How would it change your attitude if you focused not on what you are giving up but on what you are gaining through obedience?"  WOW!  Yep, that's it, that's what I needed to "hear."   "Rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory."  We are to love a child, or two or three, and be that light of Heaven in their lives, for however long of a period of time.  "Trials and challenges are inevitable.  We must learn to expect them, submit to them, and learn from them.  However, rest assured that behind every challenge we will find God orchestrating the circumstances to build us up and bring Himself glory." I couldn't have said it better, He knows what He's doing, so we must follow His guidance and we will be fulfilled. 

"Are you willing to get up from the table of your own comfort and serve?...Jesus tells us to take off whatever hinders us from serving Him.  Maybe you need to take off your expectations of what you thought your life was going to be like so you can gladly serve..."  How did Priscilla know that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear? 

Bottom line....I know God is in control, and frankly, I need Him in control!  But, no, not but....Yet, I know I'm still human and I know the emotions of this experience are going to be up and down.  I know that if our feelings that foster to adopt are not the right path, he'll steer us somewhere else.  I'm letting go of the wheel (or at least trying my hardest). 

Friends and family...this isn't always easy to talk about, I don't want to cry all the time...please don't be hurt if I don't/can't/won't call and express this to you, it's not easy.  You can ask about it all you want, as you know, I'm an open book....I may not go as in depth as I can when I write or ask me about what I wrote!  Writing is just so much easier for me!  I can sit at my computer and cry, ugly tears, boohoo, with snot running down my face and I don't feel judged, weak, or any other negative emotion. 

Prayer request:  Please pray that God continues to guide us, that we are able to find the answers to our unanswered questions with foster to adopt, that we have a peace about filling out the preliminary paper work and moving forward, pray for the child that is to be ours, pray for a peace in our hearts and minds.

AND KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT!

Well, here I go....

For years I used to send out "update" emails to friends and family, it was a HUGE part of my healing after my break-in in May 2007, but as my mind, body, and soul healed I didn't feel the need to send "updates."  However, the Lord has been guiding me back to "updates," but this time in the form of a blog.  The other day I had two phone calls, one with my best friend, Brenna, where we were talking about the healing of one's mind/body/soul and how I healed through telling my story, over and over again about my break in, being open about my hysterectomy and the trials that were in between those two significant events in my life.  The second call was with my dear sister in law, Lori, who was expressing her excitement for our foster/adoption journey to begin and how she hoped that I would blog or in some way share all of our upcoming baby news so that others could share with us.  Of course she figured I would blog!  :)  So, here I go.

Since January 2008 when I had my hysterectomy, I knew adoption was the only way I would get to be a mom.  I went into my surgery planning to adopt, whether Mr. Right came along or not.  I had set in my head what kind of agency I wanted, etc. had even done the research and identified a few for future reference.  I planned on finishing my Master's in Education, becoming an administrator, and adopting.  Needless to say, that wasn't God's plan, I did finish my Master's 1 month before....He put Bryan in my life in June 2009, thanks to our good friends, Jeff and Melissa Norman, and he knew that adoption was how we would become parents, and was good with it (whew).  At that point, I had closed my mind to fostering a child...thinking, "I've had enough trials, for once I'd like something to be easy...easier," (Bryan on the other hand was open to any way shape or form of us becoming parents).  Knowing good and well, that adoption was NEVER going to be easy!  BUT...it was less risky in my head than fostering a child.  INSERT God's plan....over the past year, He just kept putting foster families into my path...Lisa D.'s blog was directed my way by a mutual high school friend...Jenn B. and I have been friends since middle school, and she knew we were starting to look into adoption, so she sent me an email telling me I needed to check out Lisa's blog, so I did...I spent nights reading it and crying.  Never before had someone else written my emotions...emotions that I hadn't heard anyone else speak.  Feelings of emptiness, feeling broken, thinking "why me?", wanting to feel a baby grown inside me, wanting the full mommy to be experience and feeling jipped, and so much more...it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!  OK LORD, I'M LISTENING!!!  Over the course of the next few months (late 2012 - early 2013) Bryan and I began to talk more about the option of fostering, each praying about it. 

In August I traveled to Uganda...and no, I did not bring a child home...although there were a few that I wouldn't have minded packing up and bringing home.  It was the most humbling and life changing experience, EVER!   I fell in love with so many kids, all of which are school age, once again...God's working on my heart...not sure where that lesson will lead, but for now we sponsor a child and pray for them daily!  I did meet an incredible new, long-distance friend, on the plane from Amsterdam to Uganda, who began a non-profit in Uganda and has adopted several Ugandan children...she began to inspire me, to open my heart to older children....INSERT...God's working on my heart, again!!!!  Check out my friend Heather's website, An Army of Six.

Back to the home front....this Thursday...EEeeeee....we go to our first meeting at Buckner in Dallas to learn more about our options for fostering/adopting.  We know we want an infant, we don't care what color...we are good with green with purple polka dots :), and we know we want our option to be as close to fostering to then adopting the child as possible.  "Our plan" of course!  Pray for us as we begin this journey, this week!  

Specific prayers...pray for doors to open or close, clarity, peace, and for our future child, wherever he/she may be!