Where were you?

I am one of those people who remembers dates, especially the monumental, make an inprint on your life dates.  Sometimes they are painful, life changing, gut wrenching events, and sometimes they are joyous. 

Do you know what you were doing 11 years ago over Mother's Day weekend?  I do, that weekend and following week are burned into my memory like none other.  I was 28 years old, single, teaching 4th grade, wanting more than anything to be loved and to be a mom, seeking attention in many of the wrong ways, but trying not to.  My relationship with the Lord was on the back burner, because I didn't want to make changes, I wanted to be in control of my life and how things went...I wasn't ready to let go of the wheel.  My plans seemed more relavant and appropriate at the time.  Mom and Dad lived in Nebraska at the time, mom had just broken her ankle, and dad was in full swing of the church plant for 1C in Columbus.  I spent Mother's Day with my new single friends, on Lake Lewisville, having a ball.  It was a fun day.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  Beer, sun and friends, nothing could be better.  Until Monday rolled around.  Walking into my home at 7pm with arms full of groceries on May 14, 2017, and my world changed.  How one man, invading my home, having eaten my food, folded my laundry, did my dishes, packed my clothes into a bag, and prepared my bedroom for what he needed in order to end my life when I came home, but yet he was gone...rocked my world in a way I never imagined was possible.  I lived carefree, invinsible, and "somewhat" wild.  Over the course of hours the police showed me the various items that were strategically placed in my home for my harm, I was questioned about past relationships and possibly disgruntled parents of students, my friends and family that were with me were questioned about me having a secret life or secrets, as they attempted to solve the "who did this."  And 24 hours later, they had a who, a man who had ended another woman's life 7 days prior and was on the run, too many similar aspects to the cases and they knew he left Florida and was headed to Denton, as he had previously lived here.  The next few weeks were a blur, medication, therapy, alcohol, more medication, more therapy, trying to finish the school year as a zombie on so much medication.   The following months I sought the Lord, but still didn't want to let go of "wild child," and wanted even more to find protection and safety in and through someone else. 

Fast forward through a year of therapy.  A hysterectomy, because that was pain I could finally control.  Grief process of knowing the finality of my womb was truly done.  Finally feeling somewhat safe in my home, because I didn't move, I wasn't going to let him win.  Multiple painful relationships and too many painful Mother's Days to remember.  Learning to be happy for friends and family when they got engaged, married, pregnant...everything I wanted but didn't have...and would never have.  Learning to find me...

Bryan and I met 2 years and 3 weeks after the break in on June 6, 2009...I had testified against the man in court in Florida, I had graduated with my masters from TWU, I had solidified my survival with a tattoo on my back, and I was in a much healthier place...too much heart break, I had given up my control, or at least tried to somewhat give it up.  My friends might have threatened my life if I screwed up this relationship.  He was the carefree, no stress, go with the flow guy everyone said I needed, and I was not so sure.  But it worked...and he knew I couldn't have kids, and he had already mentally processed that, whew!  Didn't have to worry about scaring him away with my lack of womanhood.  (I know, that's not really what it is, but it felt like it). 

BUT insert more painful Mother's Days, babies being born, and no one truly understanding what it was like to be in my shoes on Mother's Day.  At that point, I really didn't have any friends who had had trouble getting pregnant or with infertility, I didn't have any close friends walking through the path we were on.   Marriage was hard, we had said we'd start the process and then things got harder and we didn't...so another Mother's Day with empty arms.  By this point I was mid-thirties, my friends' kids were in elementary school.  We were both ready to be parents and not just Uncle Bryan and Aunt Jess...2013 was probably the hardest, I couldn't tell you what we did.  I HATED church on Mother's Day, because all it did was remind me of what I didn't have.  But by that point I was invested in our church, I had heard the Lord speak to me for the first time, because I was being still and listening.  My career was a wreck, I knew my time in the classroom was coming to an end, and I was being led in another direction.  We kept having foster care put into our paths, friends started coming through the woodwork that were fostering/adopting.  But my heart still ached.  I didn't want more pain.  I didn't want a painful adoption process.  I didn't want a child to enter our home and then leave.  Hadn't I been through enough pain already? 

So, we made a plan....a painful plan, but a plan we felt the Lord was leading us to....foster to adopt.  We were trying to be obedient.  And then the phone call came, a student my last year of teaching's mom paid attention as to why I left the classroom, and her sister was pregnant...would we consider adopting her unborn niece or nephew.  February of 2014 then became a whirl wind...finish home remodel, continue building a business because it looks like we will be parents in July...Meet her, feel like the Lord is telling us this is our child...March - pregnancy complications.  April - more pregnancy complications and plan for a NICU baby.  Mother's Day 2014 was full of TERRIFIED anticipation.  Had we put all of our eggs in a basket that would devastate us?  May had been a shitty month of memories up until this point, was that going to change?  Or would I still loathe the month of May?  How does a mother process the thoughts of not parenting?  How will she do it?  She is already a mom?  Can she?  Will she?  My mantra on repeat was..."It's not your plan, Jessica, it's the Lord's...and HE will get you through."

Being present on delivery day.  Spending time with birth mom and Cooper in NICU....a lengthy wait for relinquishment...trying to be understanding of her, but longing to have my arms filled...gaining custody to only have it taken away 18 hours later...and leaving the hospital in Austin and driving back to Denton without him...the child the Lord had told me was going to be mine?  WHAT THE HELL?  I knew it wasn't my plan.  I knew it was HIS, but still!  How could the memory of the month of May get any better?  How can I ever survive this month again?  I swore I would lock myself away May 1st and not come out until June 1st when I drove back to Denton, following Bryan that day.  Is this what hell is like?  I was on my knees in prayer for that sweet baby laying in NICU, being held by who knows who...I now know who...our sweet nurse Jen who stuck by his side.   Fast forward a month of hell and our reunification and custody given back to us.  A WHOLE LOT of work on my heart and forgiveness given to all. 

We now had the sweet baby we longed for...my arms were finally full.  And then came my first Mother's Day...and it WAS HARD!  Why?  Why?  Why would it be hard?  And every year since, it's been hard.  But now it's hard for a new reason.  I rock someone else's baby to sleep.  I comfort him when he's scared or sick or hurt.  I see him change daily.  I teach him about the Lord.  I watch his love for being outdoors.  I take him to experience new things.  And the woman who gave him life doesn't.  I do all I can to love her, communicate with her, see her, and let Cooper know how much she loves him and will always love him.  She too is his Mama, in a different way.  She loves him in a way I can never understand.  She didn't give him up or throw him away or give up on him, she placed him with parents that love him like he is their own flesh and blood, parents that ached to be parents, and parents that now owe her more than could ever be paid.  She gave the ultimate sacrifice, she gave up her son to be loved and raised by someone other than herself. 

As I write that, I can only think about our Heavenly Father...He too loved us so much that he let His son suffer and die for my "wild child" ways and bad mama days.  And I'm overwhelmed with love, joy, and sorrow all in one weekend.   I think about the hurt of 11 years ago, and the growth I've gone through, the highs and lows, the friends that have been in and out of my life for seasons, more joy, more sorrow, and I'm in awe.  Eleven years ago I was single, teaching and partying wanting to be married and a mom.  Five years ago I was ready to leave the classroom and do various odd jobs to make the income necessary and aching for a child.  Four years ago I was awaiting the child I prayed would be mine to be born.  And now, here I sit, having just left a fabulous brunch put on by my dear friend/Cooper's Mimi (bonus Grandma) and I'm an emotional blubbering fool.  I never imagined I'd be running my own business, working outside of the home less than 20 hours a week, home with Cooper, involved in various ministries at church, on an incredible parenting journey, walking with the Lord in a way that I thought would be so "uncool" but is so NOT *why didn't I do it sooner* because I still drink beer :) , and in awe of the ways the Lord has worked in our lives and through us to help others, and others help us.  I've learned to  rely on the Lord's plan and not my own, because HIS plan is way better.

My question is no longer...why did the break in happen or why did I have a hysterectomy or why did we lose custody of Cooper?   Because I know, it led me to where I am now.  The pain helped mold me into who I am now.  To help me be present in other's pain and sorrow.  To help us show Cooper how loved and wanted he was/is. 

Adoption isn't easy.  I still hurt for her at this time.  I still cry tears for her loss.  I cry tears because I'm overwhelmed by her love and generosity and selflessness. 

So, if you see me this weekend and I'm crying, I'm not sad.  I'm not grieving.  I'm overwhelemd.  I'm overwhelemed with all that May has brought me.  I'm overwhelmed by my Heavenly Father's love for me, my life, my family and those that I hold dear. 

I drove this morning to Natalie's in tears, as the date dawned on me, I usually begin to process way in advance, but I hadn't...so there I sat in my car, trying not to mess up my make up...processing what May has been in my life over the past 11 years...from terror, sorrow, joy, pain...and now about to celebrate our precious boy's 4th birthday and my 4th Mother's Day.  I am thankful for a memory that helps bring me back, and reflect on what was and what brought me to where I am now! 

A Faith that changes

I've been writing this blog in my head for weeks, probably months, and even more so now that I've got the actual time while recovering from my ACL repair.  Why have I been avoiding this, well, because it is an emotional journey to relive and pour these thoughts into typed words, and well, it's going to bring on some tears, a flood of them more than likely.  So, here it goes....

My faith journey began from the time I was born, my parents raised my brother and I in a loving Christian home, a home where there was peace, comfort, love, grace, and everything in between.  I watched my parents lead in our church, be involved in Bible Study Fellowship, lead studies in their homes for couples in our church and in our neighborhood, I too was involved in our church; from helping in the nursery, to the library my mom got started at the church, VBS, you name it and I helped with it.  Was baptized as a baby and made my public statement of faith in confirmation, as an 8th grader.  But there was something I just couldn't grasp...I was afraid to really disobey, I was afraid my salvation wasn't set in stone, I was afraid my sinning would "undo" my salvation...I knew Jesus was my savior and I knew what HE did to save me, but I still worried...I remember laying in bed at night worrying, I remember saying in my quiet nighttime prayers that He was my savior, over and over again, why?  I have no idea.  Through the college years and beyond my faith was always there, but there was no relationship, that seemed too hard and way too time consuming.  By that point I knew that my belief in my savior was enough, anything more just seemed like too much, I was too busy with college, work, partying, work, friends, dating, graduate work, work, friends, etc.   I had Christian friends, but something was missing.

Bryan and I got married in 2010, we knew we wanted to be involved in the church but we just weren't "all in" with the idea of waking up early on Sundays and making it happen.  But then marriage got really hard, things weren't "happily ever after" and we didn't know what to do...we found ourselves at Crosstimbers in Argyle, we knew we needed to make a change, so in January of 2011 we took the "membership class" and decided to jump in with all 4 feet, my 2 feet were a little ahead of Bryan's but he was willing.

In 2012, my best friend, Brenna and I were teaching together, and we gained a new team mate, Krista. Krista, joined Brenna and I on a Pinterest craft day to make anchor posters for our classroom.  At the time, we had only met her once, I wasn't so sure what I thought, she seemed nice enough, but there was something different about her...she was involved in her church, a part of the women's ministry, raising two precious kids, and she was just different...a different I really hadn't experienced at that point in my life...she just exuded the Holy Spirit, that first day when we spent time together poster making in my garage, she told me that she just knew she was supposed to be on our team, and she just knew that she would walk beside us and welcome a baby into our little family, she just knew that she would get to throw me the best baby shower ever.  I thought, man this chick is crazy, but whatever, I knew we were going to start the adoption process but marriage had gotten hard again...I just didn't know how it would ever be in our favor.  Over the course of that year, a very unpleasant and hard year in the classroom, a harder year in marriage, but the sweetest year when it came to friends.  Krista and I shared our dream of schooling for our children, her current children and my prayed for child...it wasn't public school, and neither of us knew what or how, but we knew we weren't meant to be in the public school arena, but this was a season.

Over the course of the next two years Krista spoke so much peace into my life, small truths that probably didn't mean much at the time, but over the coming years would mean the world.  I began to be able to pray in a way that I hadn't prayed before.  I watched her through her faith peaks and valleys that year.

Krista continued to be a large influence in my faith walk, as she prayed along side me/us as we began the adoption process, along side us as we prayed for Cooper and his safe arrival, and she prayed when we couldn't during our separation from Cooper...but what really got me, was the way the Lord clearly showed her and her daughter Abby that Cooper would be ours, and how He showed other ladies that were praying along side her for us in the months before and after his arrival.  They showed up on our doorstep one Friday during our separation, and during that prayer, I experienced something I hadn't ever experienced before, a peace that was unexplainable.  Up until that point in my faith and the faith we shred as a couple, I/we really hadn't ever seen that, my faith had already been shifting, but a shift began for Bryan as well.

I had seen my parents make faith decisions, some that were hard, and I guess I never really thought twice about those, as they were my parents.  But at that point, I began to get it, she began something in my faith walk, but then she moved.  The devastating news of their leaving and moving to Arkansas ripped my heart out, we were in different phases of our lives, but she and I were bound in our faith in a way that I hadn't been bound before, and it broke my heart to know she wouldn't be 15 minutes away anymore, instead she was 5 hours away.  I hadn't cried that many tears over a friend in years, I felt like the teenager who moved from Beaumont to Dallas, leaving my friends behind, it was a hurt that I hadn't felt in a long time...and a hurt that someone else caused, because in the past I had always been the "leaver."

Her moving stirred my desire to be plugged into the mommy world even more, as up until that point I didn't have any friends that were raising a toddler in close proximity.  I was an "older" mom, my friends' kids were in elementary school, and I didn't want to do this crazy toddler time without other moms.  I began seeking out friends that would walk this path beside me, and do these crazy years together.  So, I jumped into leadership at our church in the women's ministry.  The Lord answered my prayer in many ways, he brought many amazing ladies into my life that began to walk beside me/us as we did this thing called "mommihood."  The same month Krista and her family moved, I met a new friend, by happenstance because Bryan went to service their AC.  He didn't know who they were, but when he came home and showed me the check that they paid him with, I said, " you realize that's the new teaching pastor at church?"  We got a good laugh out of it, and then began this walk alongside Laura and Nick Person and their tribe...we began to rely on their parenting tactics, as they had two in school and then Cooper's BFF, Nash.  Our weekly play dates grew a bond between two little boys that I had only dreamed would happen, I didn't want it to be a forced friendship for the little boys because the mamas were friends, and it wasn't, it was this connection that they had that was undeniable.  And then our families lives began to intertwine, and the impact they began to have on our lives became irreversible.  Healing began in my life, from our marriage, to hurts of our heart, other relationships, and so much more.  The connection that we have with them, and the way we walked our faith beside them, lifting each other up when needed and celebrating together, crying together and getting through tough stuff together, was different than we had ever experienced before.  I knew my faith was shifting even more, and Bryan's was too.  These were level 10 friends! (A level 10 friend is one who knows the ugly and dirty side of you, but loves you regardless.)

The faith they walked, and shared with us, was undeniably ordained by our Heavenly Father.  Bryan will be the first to say, he wasn't looking for new friends, I was...but I wasn't looking for what I got...I was challenged in ways I didn't think I'd be challenged since Krista left, I began jumping in to more ministries at church...we left the comfort of the Argyle campus and decided to walk alongside our friends as a new campus was being launched in Lake Cities, because we just felt like that was where God was placing us...it was hard to leave what we had known for so many years, the faces we saw weekly, the level of kids programming that was available.  Bryan was even more reluctant, but found himself being called to be apart of early morning crew to haul trailers as we are a take down/set up church, meeting in a school gym.

Our faith lives have changed so drastically over the course of the past 5 years, and even more so the past 2 years.  As I began to find myself still having fun, but staying steeped in the word, I wonder what I missed out on all those years that my faith was on the back burner, too afraid I'd miss out on "fun" and not concerned enough about what was best for my heart...I don't regret my decisions, because I know they made me into who I am now and brought me to where I am now, but I do know that if I could do it again, I'd do things a little differently.  Maybe there would have been less pain, but maybe there wouldn't have.  What I do know is that yes things are hard, and marriage will always be work, but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior loves me and when the day comes for me to meet Jesus face to face, my salvation is set, there is no worrying or doubting that fact any longer.

And then there was the phone call, one Saturday afternoon from Laura...the dreaded news that I knew would happen one day, I just didn't expect it to be that day...they felt the Lord calling them to be closer to their families in Atlanta, and they were more than just entertaining a move.  Insert pure devastation, how could the Lord bring them to us, bring us to this place in our friendship, and then take them away?  How would I or could I survive with out her?  We spend 5 days a week with them, we do each other's grocery shopping and errands, we babysit each other's kids, we go on double dates, we worship together every single Sunday, I have a best friend, Bryan has a best friend, Cooper has a best friend, and Cooper has two older siblings in Ava and Jax.

Then the Lord starting stirring something in my heart again...my life had changed so much and our best friends were getting ready to move, and it was necessary, a must, that Nick baptize me before he left. I couldn't imagine any other pastor baptizing me.  I had struggled with this for a while, was it betraying my Confirmation as an 8th grader?  No!  Was it going to look weird that I had been leading Bible studies for several years?  No!  But I just couldn't get the words out, i couldn't share them with anyone.  I just couldn't speak these things.  So, one day as Laura and I sat at Pei Wei, child-free, I couldn't help but cry, all of this sat on my heart, but I just couldn't spit it out.   So, I kept praying.  A few days later we headed out to Broken Bow on a framily vacation.  Laura and I drove with the gaggle of kids, while Nick and Bryan would come after church tear down.  Through many tears I got a short version of this out, and told her that I had been thinking about being baptized and I thought I wanted Nick to do it while we were at the lake.  Insert more tears.  The next morning as we sat around the breakfast table, I spit out a few words about my faith and the journey I started on with Krista and then the impact that Nick and Laura's relationship had on me and our family, and that I wanted Nick to baptize me.

So...while out on the boat one evening, Nick performed his first "floating" baptism.  So many tears had been shed, that it was just a cool moment, well and then he knocked the gimp (Pre-ACL surgery) off of her noodle.  :)  Many of you are wondering...."why hasn't she told us"...well, it wasn't something I wanted to make a big deal of, and here it is.  Here is the why, here is the how...and here we are heartbroken over the upcoming move of our friends, friends that we couldn't imagine walking beside through this thing called life, but friends we are ever thankful walked this season beside us in Denton, Texas.

Why do I write this big huge blog?  I want you to know that the importance of friends is vital!  The value of a friendship that is steeped in faith is life changing.  Just when we thought we didn't need more friends, new ones were thrown into our laps and changed the trajectory of our family, faith, and friendships to come.

I am thankful for the level 10 friends that have been along side me for years...from college roommate Brit, Krista, to my adoptive mamma bestie Shelby, Natalie/Mimi and for friends yet to come.  And for our couple level 10 friends that have walked beside us for years, The Newmans.  I'm amazed at how each of these deep relationships have special parts in our lives, feed us in different ways, and meet needs when we didn't know needed to be met.

I pray you too have level 10 friends.  Friends that have seen your dirty laundry and love you regardless.  

3 years ago and a Woman's CHOICE

I realize I kind of disappeared from my blogging, as it's been almost two years since my last post, but raising a little human will do that I suppose.  :)  So many things floating around in my brain and I decided it was time to start writing again.

In the past month, two friends have come to me telling me that their doctor's have told them they need a hysterectomy, one has two children of her own and it was a possible cancer situation...after a second opinion, a hysterectomy wasn't necessary...but my mind began to go back through those decisions that I had to make as a single woman in my late twenties, when my female "good's" fate was not good.  :)  And for my friend I am so thankful!!!

The second friend is an 18 year old, facing the EXACT same reality I faced at that age.  I love this girl like she is my sister and her family like they are my family, my heart breaks for her, and over the course of the past week or so I began to think and re-live my grief process that was an 11 year process plus the 9 years since my surgery, so in the span of my life, 20 years this has been a "thing" for me.  I've sat in those doctor's offices as a young woman begin told my reproductive fate, have your children now or you won't have them...fertility doctors...the whole nine yards.  But ultimately, the physical pain was too great, it wasn't worth it....so from age 18-29, I went through every treatment possible to treat my insides that were "broken" and sick...medical menopause, constant hormone, clean out surgeries and the list goes on and on...but nothing was a permanent fix, the time was needed to deal with my grief, to wrap my head around the thought of not bearing my own children, as I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant.  I didn't get to have a CHOICE, my body made my choice for me, the way my body was knit together was my choice.  But please hear that I am not bitter about it, was I at a time, yes, grief is an ugly thing, but it is what it is, grief and everyone's looks different.  This week was my week to have my hormone replacement done, something I have done about every 4 months, it is my sanity...my 38 year old body thinks it's 65, so this mama has to do something to feel "young" again!  :)  But none of it is bitterness, because through it brought great joy.

Is my grief gone, no...do I still grieve my body not working right, yes.  But it's easier now.  I can truly be happy when friends are pregnant, because I no longer long for a baby, I have one, he didn't come from my body, he doesn't look like me, he doesn't look like Bryan, but the Lord knew what He was doing 3 years ago today when we got that call...the call that changed the trajectory of our family...the call about Cooper...the call that his first mom was thinking about adoption and would we be interested...the scariest yet most exciting journey was to begin.  I knew that there would be trials, I knew that it wasn't as easy as her signing over her rights to us, there was so much more to it, and in the light of all of the discussions with women's rights and marches, my heart has been tugged at big time.

Our adoption process wasn't easy, our birth mom made a CHOICE, a choice to choose life, a choice she didn't have to make, probably the hardest choice she's ever made....I live every day hugging her child, showing him how loved he is by so many people, teaching him about Jesus, making tough decisions about what's best for him, protecting him from hurt as best I can, allowing him to feel hurt so that he doesn't feel entitled, and so much more...the love I have for her is a love I can't begin to describe, I don't get to show her often enough how loved she is, but this week, in my hormonal mindset I sent her an email telling her how appreciated her CHOICE was to me, to us, to our family.

I am not a political person in any way, I tried to "pay attention" during the election, but I got so frustrated with the crap that I quit even trying.  Call me whatever you may, but it's the truth.  I've found so much hope and grace in this life, that the negative talk was really playing a role in my attitude, as it still is...but I'm not writing a political post.  With the women's marches that have taken place I've begun to really think about a woman's CHOICE...I didn't have a choice, she had a choice.  Am I pro-life, yes, but I see both sides, to an extent...last weekend women poured on Washington DC and walked for life, I saw my adoption community on Instagram posting, walking with their birth mom's, walking for their birth mom's, walking for those of us who don't have a CHOICE, walking for the babies that don't have a CHOICE...but yet, I see a woman who was raped and is now pregnant, should she have to live daily with that reminder?  I've taught a child that was the product of a rape, I don't know how that mom handled that, did it affect her parenting?  In my mind, it would..but she decided on life, would I?  Would I have been able to parent a child that was brought into this world through such a horrific event?  I don't know!  I don't have the answer to whether someone should or shouldn't choose life in that case, are there "exceptions," of course...I'm not writing to share those thoughts, I'm writing to share thoughts from the perspective of someone who didn't have a CHOICE and who is raising someone else's CHOICE to choose life.

Here's what I do know about adoption...we, as Americans, as Christians, as humans,  do not treat woman choosing life for their unborn child and choosing to place through adoption the way we should.  Adoption is not cheap, there are more kids in the foster system than there should be, there are more orphans than there should be, there are more women who don't have a CHOICE to have a baby and yet if they want to adopt the hoops they have to jump through, the finances they have to have, the personal invasion in their lives is something one doesn't want...but if we want a baby, someone has to choose LIFE...

My plea to you...if you know an unwed/pregnant woman, LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY!  Direct her to options, do not condemn her, do not treat her like she's sinned...too few places love these women unconditionally and openly share with them about adoption...it's scary, it's hard...but when we walk beside these women and show them love, other couple's lives get to be blessed, as we are.  Or maybe their CHOICE is to raise their child, and that's okay, then WALK BESIDE THEM, help them parent, mentor them, love them!

Some women have a CHOICE,  but not all of us have a CHOICE!  So, today and every day for the rest of my life, I will love my son who was a CHOICE his birth mom made, and her CHOICE was to place him with us so that we can love him and raise him to be an incredible man of God.  She is the most selfless woman I know, she is our family, she is the reason we are a family.

Here we are February 13, 2014 after being with our birth mom during her gender reveal sonogram..another experience I never thought we'd have..but we did, we got to stand beside her during that and then share with our families the news of our soon to be born baby boy!

Grace under pressure = COURAGE

Here we are a week after Cooper's first birthday and SO MUCH has happened over the course of the last 12 months, that sometimes it's really hard to believe it's only been a year.  Adoption is the most amazing blessing, the best gift anyone will ever give is a birth mom blessing an adoptive family with her child, a child that she loves so much that she releases to someone else to raise.  Could I do it?  Probably not.  Birthmom's are heroes!  

This year as Mother's Day approached, I felt a heaviness on my heart for Cooper's Mama Maria.  I love her beyond words that could be expressed.  I hurt for her, knowing that she hurts, I cry for her, knowing she cries...yet I'm the one holding her son, the child she went through near death experiences carrying in her womb.  The child she loves so selflessly to release him to us to raise, trusting that we will follow through with our words of being an open adoption.  An "open adoption" is not a legal term, it is a moral agreement that an adoptive family says they will be a part of, there is no legal binding to an open adoption.  Going in to our adoption we knew that an open adoption was what IS in the best interest of Cooper, for his overall well being of self.  We wanted his birthmom to know that just because she was placing him in our care, did not mean that she was releasing him altogether and then he'd be gone.  One of the best phrases our Pastor, Toby, used recently in a sermon he said that "releases get sweeter when you release to God."  That has never rung more true over the course of the past year.  In that same sermon on Mother's Day Toby spoke to them mom's saying that our children aren't ours, they belong to God, and encouraged us to release them to the Lord because they are His.  To not mourn the milestones and be sad, to not live in the past, but when they are released to the Lord we are free to love them as they are and where they are.  During our time away from Cooper as he was in the NICU for those 4 weeks, I learned a lot about release.  I knew that Cooper belonged to the Lord and right then he was where he was supposed to be...not that is was easy, by any stretch of the imagination, and not that I didn't cry and grieve or be angry...but yet we stood fast in the promise that was made to us.  And over the course of the months since we became a family (June 25, 2014), I knew that he wasn't just mine/ours, he was the Lords and he was also Mama Maria's.  All of that felt well and good, until this past week.

For a few months now we have been planning our birthday celebration with Cooper's birth mom and his 1/2 siblings.  I had anxiously awaited being able to celebrate with her, hug her again, and tell her how much we love her and how much we love our son.  (She had not seen Cooper since he was about 4 weeks old & in NICU).   On Thursday my anxiety began to rise, Friday it was higher and on Saturday it led me to uncontrollable tears....I was excited, scared no terrified, happy, terrified, joyful, anxious....and so many more emotions that I don't know even how to list them all.   I had not felt like this ever before...the knot in my stomach...what if she thinks we are doing a bad job?  What if she doesn't think he's progressed like he should?  What if she's a crying mess and can't handle it?  What if I'm a crying mess and can't handle it?  What if the kids react in a negative way and are hateful to him?  What if the kids can't separate from him when it's time to go?  The list of questions flowing in my head kept going....  Prayers began, by me and a multitude of others, a crying call to my best friend Brenna, a little bit of Valor and Joy Essential Oils....and we pulled up to his Aunt's house, ran through the rain and into the house and IT ALL WENT AWAY!!!  EVERY LAST BIT OF ANXIETY AND FEAR!  

This was my heart!  This was my child's birth mom.  This IS my child's birth mom. This IS my child's half siblings, a sister who is 8 and a brother who is 5.  This IS my child's biological grandma and step-grandpa.  This IS my child's biological Aunt, Uncle and cousins that he sees on a regular basis.  And you know what's the best part...we all want what's best for him.  We all want him to thrive.  We all love him unconditionally.  And this is what our day was like...PURE LOVE!

The LOVE that she has for him in undeniable.  I know yesterday was not easy for her.  I can't imagine the feelings she had leading up to our day together.  If I was a mess, I can only imagine what she was going through, what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through.  The day was perfect.  The connection she has with Cooper is priceless.  The time that was spent with his siblings was irreplaceable.  

We don't just have two extended families..mine and Bryan's...we have three...mine, Bryan's and Cooper's.  Cooper has 3 sets of Grandparents, 3 sets of Aunts and Uncles, 3 sets of cousins, a birth mom, and a mom and dad that love him unconditionally.  We are blessed!

Cooper, his brother Santi, & cousin Jack - those 3 could be brothers!

 Santi and Cooper - ready to eat cake

 Still not a fan of cake, but sure did like making a "painting" mess with the frosting and then feeding the cake to his cousin dog, Bailey

Our first time "officially" in a pool

 Papa and Nene with all of their grandkids

 Mama Maria and her kiddos - Santi, Cooper & Shilo (don't mind Cooper's grumpy face...he was TIRED)

 Sisters and their kids - because of my last year in the classroom, teaching Johnny in 3rd grade...we have our Cooper - blessings come in the least expected ways

Adoption isn't easy...but with a lot of Faith, a dash of hope, a whole LOT of Grace, an even bigger amount of prayers, and a LOT of LOVE....we have an incredible family...and more courage than we could have even imagined would EVER be possible!

If you are ever looking for some encouragement...check out our church's messages online at www.crosstimberschurch.org - you won't regret it!  

got hope?

This blog has whirled around and around in my head for quite some time...and I'm finally able to sit down and write, not because my to do list is done...I'm actually procrastinating finishing up our taxes...but because today, while Cooper was napping, I watched "Mom's Night Out"and realized I have even more to say now!  (Sidebar...if you are a mommy, YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE...it was just what I needed today, in this temporary season of illness in our home!)

For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy.  I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth.  I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything.  I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full.  It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits!  I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep.   I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles!  I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.

For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS!  I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly.  I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get.  Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done.  I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be.  A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait.  We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.

Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.

During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope.  Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.

Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.

Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined.  In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US!  Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope.  Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable.  We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new.  If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis.  Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire.  Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives.   Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.

Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac.  We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy.  The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!

Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.

I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength.  If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/  All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!

All my love,
Jessica

Prayer Warriors

We are fully aware of the power of prayer when it comes to our sweet boy, Cooper.  So, today I come to you asking you to join me again in prayer, not for us, but for a dear friend and her family.  S & C are fighting to gain custody of their young son, who is currently living with his mother in central Texas.  She has kept him from his father, step-mom, and 2 sisters for almost a year now.  She has lied and made terrible allegations to the courts about more things than I can begin to list in this blog.  She will not allow the boy to speak with his father.  She has not shown up to court mandated visits.  She has fired her legal counsel and has been ordered to appear in court on Monday to prove her accusations, which she can't do, because they are all bogus.  Please help us cover this sweet family in prayer.

Specific Prayers: That the judge's eyes are open to her lies and manipulation.  For the judge to order what is BEST for the son.  Calm, peace, & comfort as they prepare to appear in court on Monday.  For their son to not have believed the lies that have been told to him about his father and step-mom.  Safe travels.  And ultimately that YOUR WILL be done and for all to know that HE has a plan, good will come of this, whether it's now or later..it is HIS timing.

Thank you so much!  I know they appreciate it and will feel HIS peace as court gets closer!

All my love,

Jess

18 years of grief brings pure JOY this holiday season

18 years ago my mountain of grief began when the doctors said if I wanted to carry my own child I needed to start then.  Fast forward to my 25th birthday (11 years ago) and the future of my child-bearing was just as grim.  Fast forward to 7 years ago, I just turned 29, was single and my hysterectomy was on the horizon...I was grieving my safety after my break in, I was living on pain killers to survive daily life....I had spent the past 11 years knowing that if my "prince" didn't arrive, I would have to make this terrible decision all by myself...or so I felt.

"I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies, is always by my side.."

I always knew there was a plan...it had been our family verse since we moved to Dallas in the early 1990's...Jeremiah 29:11...it was a vivid verse in my head...but yet I didn't understand why my baby brother was marrying before I was....he would more than likely have kids before I would...how would I handle that?  The grief of losing that part of me was devastating...yet I did my best to put on a strong face.  Friends having children was hard.  I wanted to strangle anyone who complained about being pregnant, getting fat, or anything related to pregnancy...I wanted to scream....BE THANKFUL you CAN BE pregnant & get fat!  I was lucky to have an amazing counselor as I healed from my break in, in May 2007...as she helped me work through my ultimate hysterectomy decision for January 2008 and then as I worked through knowing my brother would marry in June 2008...one thing she told me in regards to his wedding and friends having children....do things for them and their special days that you would want done for you when you get married or have kids....  That was a saving grace for me!  The grief was still real, but after my surgery and my hormone change, I changed....I "evened" out I guess would be a good way to put it.  My healing became easier.

Fast forward to April 2011 when my brother and sister in law told us they were pregnant...the time stands very vivid in my mind....we were at the Rangers game for Judd's birthday, I sat between Lori and Bryan...I was so excited, yet so hurt...the nasty part of grief raised his ugly head on the most exciting news in our family...I don't know what was harder....knowing they were pregnant or knowing Bryan and I were so far from being parents and actually beginning the discussions of finances in regards to adoption....after the game my dear friend Caleb, gave me the biggest hug...he may not realize what that hug meant, but I knew he knew....He knew that was tough news, but yet exciting news.  For the next months I struggled emotionally, struggled with the excitement for them, finally getting to be an Aunt to a Steger....but the hurt was SO REAL.

The coming arrival of Knox crept closer and then the call came....head to the hospital....I was so blessed to have been able to have been in the hospital room with Lori during her labor, up until she had to go back for the c-section since Knox wasn't going to arrive without some help.  That day is so vivid in my mind....waiting....and then watching Knox rolled out and into the nursery with Judd while they bathed him, weighed him, and all those exciting things.  The whole family stood in the window watching....I was so excited, yet so hurt....I LOVED watching my brother be a Dad...and I love that little boy like he was mine....the love I felt the first time I held him was overwhelming.  We had prayed and prayed for him, I had cried and cried for him, for my jealousy to not be apparent.  I remember hugging my mom and just crying about how I wouldn't get to do that.  I wouldn't get to be at the hospital when my baby was born.  I wouldn't get to do all those things they were getting to do and it just wasn't fair!  It was a growing time in our marriage, we weren't ready to be parents together, and that hurt too...I was ready, he was ready but WE weren't ready!  December 6, 2011 will forever be etched in my heart as the best and worst day for my grief!  Over the past 3 years we have loved this little boy so much, we love our time with him, love watching him grow in his child-like faith.

"And nothing formed against me shall stand, you hold the whole world in your hands, I'm holding on to your promises, you are faithful...."

Fast forward to Cooper's arrival....we did get to be there, we got to be at the sonogram, we got to see pictures, we got to get to know his birth mom, we got to do ALL THE THINGS I  had grieved I would never get to do for all those years!  Once again, HIS plan is WAY better than ours!

This brings me to the past 2 months....Lori and Judd welcomed baby Case Judd into the world on October 25th....the week leading up to his arrival, was my "light bulb" moment realizing the change in my grief....I was no longer sad about not giving birth to my son...I was no longer sad in anyway about his birth or what they would get to do that I didn't get to do....because I got to do everything...well, everything except have a reason to eat ice cream and Oreos all the time and get fat...I did that on my own with no excuse other than emotions...  :)  I realized that the Lord had walked us down the path to parenthood that we needed...we needed to learn  a few things about each other, our relationship, the Lord, some friends good and bad, there were some new people we needed in our lives, and most of all we needed Cooper and Cooper needed us.  Arriving at the hospital the morning of Case's birth....I was so anxious about his arrival, looking forward to being there right after, taking lots of pictures and celebrating....now that didn't all go as we had hoped, we didn't get to see him for several hours...thanks to the Ebola scare we couldn't be back there after....but once they were in the room we all piled in....had this had happened prior to Cooper, a year ago...this would have been devastating to me....because I still love to do for others like I would want done for me...especially when it comes to babies!

The most beautiful thing was realizing I have overcome my grief....it doesn't make me sad, I don't feel like I missed out on anything, and the pure joy is exhilarating!  And even better...Cooper has a cousin 4 months younger than him!!!

Yesterday, we celebrated our sweet Knox's 3rd birthday!

I/We still love that little boy like he's ours, and we love Case just as much!  He brings SO much joy to our lives, joy he's brought since the day he was born!  I love his feisty little spirit, his love for the Lord, his giggle, the way he runs to Bryan when he sees him. his love for books, his love for Cooper and Case...and even more so the way his parents are raising him is such an example for how we want to raise Cooper.

Today is church we sang the Chris Tomlin song..."Whom shall I fear" and I shed a few tears as Cooper was sleeping in my baby wrap on my chest....knowing that this blog has been floating around in my brain since October 25th when I realized I had FINALLY overcome my grief!  The peace that surrounds this time of the year is not something I just say this year...we actually feel it, for the first time ever!

I pray you find the true MAGIC of Christmas this joyous season!