For more years than I can even begin to count, I longed to be a mommy. I didn't know when or how but I knew that was one of the main reasons for my time on this Earth. I never imagined I wouldn't be a mom until I was almost 36 years old, now looking back, I wouldn't change that for anything. I/we had a full life before Cooper...and now it's even more full. It's not easy, I didn't expect it to be...but man, my "mommy moments" are the pits! I've had a few over the past week as Cooper has had RSV and now Bryan and I both have "adult" RSV...all I want to do is sleep...and we have a child who does not like to sleep. I don't know when Cooper will be better, I pray it's not 4-6 weeks away, I know that I'm on the mend, Bryan is on the mend...and I know that our Heavenly Father has it in His timing...yeah, I know a sticky note on the side of my bed would be nice...just a count down, how many more wake up days, etc...but that's not going to happen, so I'll enjoy every minute that I can of my snotty snuggles! I do know that I have faith and that's what gets me through day by day, moment by moment, heartache to heartache, celebration to celebration.
For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE TATTOOS! I watch Fast and Loud with Bryan simply because I love Richard's tats, I would have sleeves if I weren't a teacher or if my arms weren't quite so jiggly. I have multiple tats, I don't just tat just to tat, I plan, I have meaning behind EVERY tattoo that I get. Needless to say, I've planned for 2-3 years for my recent art work I had done. I knew once we had adopted I wanted something that meant something for the journey we walked...a year ago, I had no idea what that journey would be. A year ago yesterday, the 13th, we met our birthmom, attended the sonogram to find out it was going to be a boy...we left there knowing that would be our baby and we couldn't wait. We NEVER lived in fear, and well, adoption is down right scary...you put your heart on the line, you put your finances on the line, you have your lives invaded to please the social workers, but we NEVER wavered.
Last spring my verse was Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." We had faith that the baby she was carrying we would love, and she would love, we would all love him together.
During our time in Austin at his delivery and things were HARD, emotional, heart-breaking, we still had hope. Somewhere along the line of my devotions during that time, I stumbled upon Hebrews 11:1, and marked it with "my baby" - Faith in Action - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." We couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we knew it was there, we knew it would come to us, in His timing...as freaking hard as that was, we stood firm in the belief that the Lord planned for us to raise Cooper and that we were to love his birth mama, like she was a part of our family.
Obviously, it worked out...in His timing...Bryan and I had a month apart from him, a month to grow in our faith even more, a month to be mad, a month to fight, and a month to love each other fiercely.
Our pastor, Toby, has spoken to me over and over again through his messages....so many about how our hope and faith are intertwined. In talking about how we are "messes" he pointed out that our spirituality is not defined by our lack of messes, it's about our connection with our Savior, messes are where the real Jesus meets the real US! Toby reminded us that the hope of Jesus, isn't about wishing for something, it's a reminder that HIS promises are coming, and our hope in HIM is what sustains us. Our Father's hope is consistent, He is our living hope. Each of us have our own story, our story is about the work of God in our lives, we need to let go of the pen and let HIM write our story, he will write the best story imaginable. We just have to be willing to walk where HE leads us, when we step out of our old ways and in to HIS ways he will make all things new. If we are faithful in the little things, he will do big things...bigger things will be done when we live for others, seeing what God will do for others, not what God will do for us. The heart of Jesus is to move in people's lives, He wants to bring healing to hurt lives...we each live that on a daily basis. Life isn't all roses and chocolates, our faith is sharpened while we are in the fire. Faith involves surrender, faith involves willingness to die, sometimes our dreams die because God's dreams are bigger for our lives. Our God always has our best interest at heart, He just needs us to trust him, have faith in him, have hope through him.
Toby challenged us a few weeks ago to have an alter in our lives, as a reminder to what God will do for us...to remember the importance of faith decisions - just like Abraham and Isaac. We are to surround ourselves with a spiritual legacy. The day he spoke that, was the day I had my tattoo done...I'm now wearing my alter, my constant reminder of how without our faith, we have no hope!
Years in the planning and I couldn't be more happy with the outcome...now for the last bit to heal in the center of the cross.
I pray that you too know HIS hope, HIS peace, HIS strength. If you are looking for that hope, check out Toby's messages at http://crosstimberschurch.org/ All of Toby's messages are on the website, we promise you won't be disappointed, it won't be a waste of your time, you WILL hear a message of HOPE!
All my love,
Jessica
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