This year as Mother's Day approached, I felt a heaviness on my heart for Cooper's Mama Maria. I love her beyond words that could be expressed. I hurt for her, knowing that she hurts, I cry for her, knowing she cries...yet I'm the one holding her son, the child she went through near death experiences carrying in her womb. The child she loves so selflessly to release him to us to raise, trusting that we will follow through with our words of being an open adoption. An "open adoption" is not a legal term, it is a moral agreement that an adoptive family says they will be a part of, there is no legal binding to an open adoption. Going in to our adoption we knew that an open adoption was what IS in the best interest of Cooper, for his overall well being of self. We wanted his birthmom to know that just because she was placing him in our care, did not mean that she was releasing him altogether and then he'd be gone. One of the best phrases our Pastor, Toby, used recently in a sermon he said that "releases get sweeter when you release to God." That has never rung more true over the course of the past year. In that same sermon on Mother's Day Toby spoke to them mom's saying that our children aren't ours, they belong to God, and encouraged us to release them to the Lord because they are His. To not mourn the milestones and be sad, to not live in the past, but when they are released to the Lord we are free to love them as they are and where they are. During our time away from Cooper as he was in the NICU for those 4 weeks, I learned a lot about release. I knew that Cooper belonged to the Lord and right then he was where he was supposed to be...not that is was easy, by any stretch of the imagination, and not that I didn't cry and grieve or be angry...but yet we stood fast in the promise that was made to us. And over the course of the months since we became a family (June 25, 2014), I knew that he wasn't just mine/ours, he was the Lords and he was also Mama Maria's. All of that felt well and good, until this past week.
For a few months now we have been planning our birthday celebration with Cooper's birth mom and his 1/2 siblings. I had anxiously awaited being able to celebrate with her, hug her again, and tell her how much we love her and how much we love our son. (She had not seen Cooper since he was about 4 weeks old & in NICU). On Thursday my anxiety began to rise, Friday it was higher and on Saturday it led me to uncontrollable tears....I was excited, scared no terrified, happy, terrified, joyful, anxious....and so many more emotions that I don't know even how to list them all. I had not felt like this ever before...the knot in my stomach...what if she thinks we are doing a bad job? What if she doesn't think he's progressed like he should? What if she's a crying mess and can't handle it? What if I'm a crying mess and can't handle it? What if the kids react in a negative way and are hateful to him? What if the kids can't separate from him when it's time to go? The list of questions flowing in my head kept going.... Prayers began, by me and a multitude of others, a crying call to my best friend Brenna, a little bit of Valor and Joy Essential Oils....and we pulled up to his Aunt's house, ran through the rain and into the house and IT ALL WENT AWAY!!! EVERY LAST BIT OF ANXIETY AND FEAR!
This was my heart! This was my child's birth mom. This IS my child's birth mom. This IS my child's half siblings, a sister who is 8 and a brother who is 5. This IS my child's biological grandma and step-grandpa. This IS my child's biological Aunt, Uncle and cousins that he sees on a regular basis. And you know what's the best part...we all want what's best for him. We all want him to thrive. We all love him unconditionally. And this is what our day was like...PURE LOVE!
The LOVE that she has for him in undeniable. I know yesterday was not easy for her. I can't imagine the feelings she had leading up to our day together. If I was a mess, I can only imagine what she was going through, what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through. The day was perfect. The connection she has with Cooper is priceless. The time that was spent with his siblings was irreplaceable.
We don't just have two extended families..mine and Bryan's...we have three...mine, Bryan's and Cooper's. Cooper has 3 sets of Grandparents, 3 sets of Aunts and Uncles, 3 sets of cousins, a birth mom, and a mom and dad that love him unconditionally. We are blessed!
Cooper, his brother Santi, & cousin Jack - those 3 could be brothers!
Santi and Cooper - ready to eat cake
Still not a fan of cake, but sure did like making a "painting" mess with the frosting and then feeding the cake to his cousin dog, Bailey
Our first time "officially" in a pool
Papa and Nene with all of their grandkids
Mama Maria and her kiddos - Santi, Cooper & Shilo (don't mind Cooper's grumpy face...he was TIRED)
Sisters and their kids - because of my last year in the classroom, teaching Johnny in 3rd grade...we have our Cooper - blessings come in the least expected ways
Adoption isn't easy...but with a lot of Faith, a dash of hope, a whole LOT of Grace, an even bigger amount of prayers, and a LOT of LOVE....we have an incredible family...and more courage than we could have even imagined would EVER be possible!
If you are ever looking for some encouragement...check out our church's messages online at www.crosstimberschurch.org - you won't regret it!
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