You know that inspirational saying about walking in the sand, and there are two sets of prints and then there are only one...well, that's where we are....there's only one set of prints and we aren't sure how we've gotten to where we are, other than the Lord watching over us and carrying us through this muddled up situation.
To say the past week has been peachy keen would be just a damn lie. To say Father's Day is happy is another damn lie. Bryan should be celebrating his first Daddy day, but we aren't. We boycotted our anniversary on Thursday and have just been sad.
A short recap...last Friday our attorney told us we were going to need co-counsel to fight the hospital, Monday rolled around, no word on co-counsel, Tuesday we are told the co-counsel doesn't have time but here's the name of another "bull-dog" attorney who can help. I call them, only to find out my attorney did not...to be told we don't have a case and there's nothing that can be done...I'm not okay with that answer and I want an attorney to speak with us face to face...so I press on and call, pleading my case to other known attorneys, all of whom don't even have the decency to call me back. Thankfully, our new friends from church, have a great Christian adoption attorney who gets on the phone with me, is willing to meet us after hours, but ends up just seeing us Thursday morning. He's amazing...we love him...he's frank, he's honest, and he listens without interrupting us. Unfortunately, that day we finally had a copy of some paperwork from the hospital, only to find out that if our attorney had requested it on May 27th, like we had asked, we would not be sitting in his office, on our 4th anniversary finding out that there really is nothing we can do....despite the corruption and unethical behavior on behalf of the hospital. Well, damn! (excuse my language, I'm rather sad/mad) Happy anniversary to us...so we decide we can't fight, if we know we will lose, and he's telling us we will lose.
We had several candid conversations with the birth mom, who is terribly sorry...as she knows she was the one who put this into motion...we believe unintentionally, but none the less, put it into motion. She knows she wants us to be Cooper's parents, and now she has to fight a battle to get him back to us. We tell her we love her, we tell her we love him, but we can't keep living on "pipe dreams." I've said it before...I either need to grieve or I need to fight. So, we grieve. We've cried a lot, we are at different stages of our grief...but we still can't fight the gut, pure faith feeling that Cooper is to be ours. So, we cried a lot Thursday and Friday.
Friday four of my trusted Christian prayer warrior friends showed up to pray over us...as they too feel that the Lord is not revealing to them anything different than Cooper being in our home, being our child, being raised by us, that he's destined to do GREAT things for our Heavenly Father, all the while being raised by us...how does one argue with that...when they have had daily prayer vigils for us and Cooper, bringing themselves closer to the Lord, to one another and ultimately closer to us. After they left I had not felt more at peace....it was a strong calming feeling, a feeling I had not felt in over a week.
One thing I learned in Uganda last August was that demons are real...I know that, but I really didn't understand that. I know that Satan attacks when we are the strongest....when our faith is so strong and secure, he tries to bring us down, bring those around us down. A few weeks ago, my mom told me that the day we called telling her Cooper was not ours, she sat and cried, feeling the same helpless feeling like she felt the night of my break in, 7 years ago...knowing a man had intended to end my life, and knowing there was nothing she could do...over those months of healing for me, I learned a lot about myself and my faith...I was NOT where I am now faith wise, but I knew I was a fighter and I knew that man would NOT win! I would not let his intentions to end my life, actually end my happy life, I fought through the debilitating fear, overcoming obstacles of terror, meeting with counselors, being overcome with panic and anxiety like I had never experienced before, fighting God and crying "why me," being told that these horrific things seem to always happen to me because I somehow always overcome them, making choices that weren't the best, but fighting none the less. I overcame, and only by the grace of God, through lots of prayers, and a fight...he lost and I won, God won for me. Satan lost! So, here I sit again, this time with a loving husband by my side...but this time the fight isn't internal, we are fighting actual people, people who make immoral judgments and can't seem to make ethical decisions...the ultimate decision, what's best for Cooper? For once this fight isn't just internal, and I can't just give up.
Here we sit, after a weekend of just being slugs...watching more movies than we've watched in a year...I read a sad book...it's always best to read sad books when you are already sad, right? Hey, everyone said they cried bucks of tears reading The Fault in our Stars...yeah, it was sad, but it put my situation into perspective...but yet it made me sad for the characters who obviously do not know Jesus, even though they meet in the "heart of Jesus" for their cancer support group meetings. None the less, I finished a book faster than I've finished a book in a long time. Yeah, today is sad...I'm sad for Bryan...but yet, I know our chapter of this story isn't over yet...damn, it's been a long one, a bit rocky at times, and down right shitty, but I truly believe there is a happy ending to be had...I believe it with all I have in me, I have to...I guess I'm just not ready to give up yet! As I teacher, I always fought for what was best for the children, their well being...sometimes I lost, but I never said I didn't do what was best and do all I could...and that's what I am doing, that's what we are doing...fighting for what we know is best for the little boy that we believe God has shown us to be ours. What that future looks like, we don't know, how it will play out, we don't know...but here's what we know...
Cooper is doing well, he's about 10 days to 2 weeks from being released from NICU. He's now in an open bed. We understand that the hospital is doing an audit of our case, and that they are recognizing unethical behavior having been a part of our situation. We don't know how things will play out, we do know that we have to wait until Thursday to do our final request to the state paternity board to see if dad has officially claimed Cooper as his...if this has not happened, we might have a fighting chance. I know you may be learning this for the first time, please do not be upset with us for not sharing this in person or via the phone, this roller coaster sucks...and it's begun to suck the life out of us...we are tired, we are weary, and we are putting ourselves first in this battle, as it's our little family we are fighting for, and frankly it's easier to type than it is to talk.
Through all of this, we hold no ill will, blame, or hatred towards the birth mom and her sister, my friend, we love them...we know so much of this experience we would not have had if it weren't for them picking us. We had no idea how this would play out, and well, there are no guarantees in adoption...no matter what kind. I've witnessed evil in this hospital, through some of the staff, and it makes me sad.
Here's what I know....we are hiring a new attorney, we are not letting go of this yet, and if Cooper doesn't get to come home with us, we pray he is safe and loved. We pray that the "dad" does not use Cooper as a pawn in his manipulation and that he has a change of heart as to what is best for Cooper. We pray for the birth mom and her ultimate sacrifice, that her decision for us to be Cooper's parents is the ultimate end to our adoption journey, we pray for her extended family as they too have played a role in this, we pray for our family and the roller coaster of emotions we have put them on, we are sorry for hurt feelings, as none of it is intentional or meant to hurt anyone. We know you all love us, but please don't ask us what you can do, as we don't know how to answer that...just do what you want to do for us, do what you are lead to do...we too do not know how to do this, we've never done this before. If we've been rude, we are sorry. If we've hurt your feelings, we are sorry. If you show up, we may be in our jammies, we may be crying, we may be happy, we may be starving or living on flavored popcorn, or Blue Bell. Just know, that this too will pass, and we will be fine...no matter the outcome.
Please just keep us in your prayers! Peace of mind, clarity, discernment, the right people to talk to, doors to clearly shut with no light shining through, strength of mind and body, and to be held up when we can't walk anymore....and most of all Cooper's body healing and his safety.
We love you all, and appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts, Facebook posts, and most of all the prayers, as they have been felt!
JC
No comments:
Post a Comment